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Monday, September 24, 2012

How???

Today is hard! I feel myself sliding back into the "depressed mode". Writing at this time, is usually my best work, so turning to the blog only seems appropriate. Sometimes I wonder if I put up a front that everything is all good, when in actuality it's not. I'm a single mother of three, living with my parents. What kind of loser am I? The Fall Classes at my school started today, but I'm having a hard time focusing on much, so I will let it go today and try tomorrow. Most of the morning, while the children were at school, I stayed in bed. Not only mentally am I drained, but now I'm physically sick. I want to cry, but that will only upset my children, so I find myself holding it all in again and hiding behind fake smiles. Everything is getting on my nerves!!! And a lot of people, for that matter, as well. My dear friend came to talk to me today as we waited to pick the kids up from school, and I noticed everything that came out of my mouth was negative. I wonder if she noticed? My mind has a million things going on at once, kind of like this paragraph and I'm not sure how to settle it down. I don't want to rely on medication to do this - I need to figure it out, besides the fact of no longer having insurance. But, how? Why?

Yes, I'm still upset by the fact that my ex-husband chose drugs and whores over our family. How does anyone get over that? Will I ever begin to heal? Yes, I'm in a much better place now then I was two years ago. Yet, the pain is still very much there. Very much real. I hate him for what he did to us. But, I still feel sorry for him at the same time. He doesn't have a supportive family, and what friends he did have - they've turned their backs on him too because of his actions and/or "issue". That's not my problem anymore, so why do I feel it is?

As I drive down the street, I approach a stop light. I glance into my rear view mirror and look at each child. They all seem so happy. I get lost in the moment of them singing along to the radio, talking to each other about school, and I feel blessed to have these three beautiful children in my life. Then, the guy honks his horn at me because the light changed. I continue my journey, hanging on to every word in this song that's playing. Isn't it weird when you are down, how much meaning a song has? Do the people in the cars that I'm passing feel this way? I finally make it to my destination. I don't want to get out, but the kids are already out of their seat belts and reaching for the door. The weather is perfect - it's not too hot, and not too cold, the sun is shining, and from the outside, everything seems so right. But, on the inside, everything seems to be falling apart.

My phone rings and the caller id shows up as "blocked". I know it's him. Part of me is curious of what he has to say, another part knows it's only crap that comes out of his mouth, and the other part of me can't stand to hear his voice. So, I find myself either watching it ring, or turning the ringer off and hiding my phone.

Is this normal? Is something wrong with me? I just want to run away. I want to take the kids and go far, far away and start over. A new life where we know no one, and they don't know us. Besides my mom, there's really no other reason to stay here. Of course I have some family and friends that I would hate to leave behind who I dearly love, but I know we could always keep in touch and visit. My brother is expecting his first child, and with his wife being one of my best friends, that would be another reason to stay - my new niece or nephew.

This feeling of being "trapped" sucks!!! Will it ever end? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Whatever is going on, I hate it!!! Here I sit now, finally drowning myself in tears. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I'm embarrassed with life. But, I am damn good at putting my happy face on and braving through this for my children's sake. What will happen? Where will we be in 5 years? 10 years? Can I protect these kids from monsters like their father? I question my faith, along with my self. It's so hard!!!! I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I sure hope it's a little brighter than today!!

God Bless and Much Love!

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