Follow by Email

Friday, August 31, 2012

Big Weekend in the 'Ville

Big, exciting weekend for Louisville, Kentucky this weekend. The University of Kentucky (Wildcats) and University of Louisville (Cardinals), athletic programs are the most prominent universities in Kentucky, and are very intense sport rivals. Around town, you see a sea of blue/white or red/black, whether it's on clothing, flags, automobiles, etc. Of course, my children and I were all decked out in blue. Although, when the two teams aren't playing each other we do root for the Cardinals.

According to Wikipedia.org, here is some information that I found interesting to share: Kentucky and Louisville first played each other in football in 1912. Kentucky dominated six meetings between the teams from 1912 until 1924, holding Louisville scoreless in all six games, after which the teams stopped playing. In 1994, with former Kentucky player Howard Schnellenberger coaching Louisville, the series was revived after a 70-year dormancy. Kentucky leads the all-time football series with Louisville, 14 to 10.

DateSiteWinning teamLosing teamSeries
1912-10-28 Lexington Kentucky41Louisville0UK 1-0
1913-11-22LouisvilleKentucky20Louisville0UK 2-0
1914-11-14LexingtonKentucky42Louisville0UK 3-0
1915-11-06LouisvilleKentucky15Louisville0UK 4-0
1922-10-14LexingtonKentucky63Louisville0UK 5-0
1924-10-04LexingtonKentucky29Louisville0UK 6-0
1994-09-03LexingtonKentucky20Louisville14UK 7-0
1995-09-02LexingtonLouisville 13Kentucky10UK 7-1
1996-08-31LexingtonLouisville38Kentucky 14UK 7-2
1997-08-30LexingtonKentucky38Louisville24UK 8-2
1998-09-05LouisvilleKentucky68Louisville34UK 9-2
1999-09-04LexingtonLouisville56Kentucky28UK 9-3
2000-09-02†LouisvilleLouisville40Kentucky34UK 9-4
2001-09-01LexingtonLouisville36Kentucky10UK 9-5
2002-09-01LouisvilleKentucky22Louisville (17)17 UK 10-5
2003-08-31LexingtonLouisville40Kentucky24UK 10-6
2004-09-04LouisvilleLouisville28Kentucky0UK 10-7
2005-09-04LexingtonLouisville (12)31Kentucky24UK 10-8
2006-09-03LouisvilleLouisville (13)59Kentucky28UK 10-9
2007-09-15 LexingtonKentucky40Louisville (9)34UK 11-9
2008-08-31LouisvilleKentucky27Louisville2UK 12-9
2009-09-19 LexingtonKentucky31Louisville27UK 13-9
2010-09-04LouisvilleKentucky23Louisville16UK 14-9
2011-09-17LexingtonLouisville24Kentucky17UK 14-10
Kentucky victories are shaded ██ blue. Louisville victories shaded in ██ red. † indicates overtime. Numbers in parentheses indicate a team's Associated Press Top 25 rank at the time of the games.
 
Besides the big game, my big girl starts soccer this weekend. She is so excited and couldn't wait to go get all her gear from the sporting goods store after school today. Casie and Tommy played when they were really young, but they lost interest. Now that their school is offering it, Casie is super pumped to give it another try. I'm excited to see how she does.
 
As far as Kindergarten goes though, she's struggling to adjust. It's such a long day for her. Thank goodness she went to pre-school or I believe she would be worse off. Tommy and Marissa have adjusted well and have really come a long way in this short period. Tommy still needs to work on his fine motor skills and his teacher has been awesome at sharing some activities that would help. Our extra free time has been filled with pom-poms, buttons, paperclips, clothespins, rubber bands, pipe cleaners, straws, play dough, tweezers and whatever else helps motivate these skills. We've made it a family game, so he seems to be interested - which is a big plus. Being a single parent has its perks, but at times it can be trying. But, we are making it. (smile)
 
Before I end this post, I would like to bring attention to the devastation of Hurricane Issac. Seeing the coverage on the news sure puts life in perspective. Be sure to keep all that were affected in your thoughts and prayers. And don't wait for something major to happen to tell the ones you love how you feel.
 
With that being said, God Bless and much love!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Magazine Article Release Day - Here It Is

I am Today's Woman Magazine's "Way To Go Woman" (http://www.iamtodayswoman.com/) page 32; September 2012 issue.

Wow! Kind of weird to see myself in a magzine, but super cool!! Hope you enjoy and thanks for the support!

Nightmare City

Since all of this went down, I have a problem of nightmares. Sometimes it's reliving this whole traumatic experience and other times it's kind of the "what if" scenario. It definitely takes a toll on my rest, or lack there of!

Last night, for example, my dream seemed so real. The parts that I remember is that the order came from the judge, the decree, and as soon as I opened it - Brent called and just started laughing. I started yelling at him, "Laugh all you want you piece of shit, the children is what really matters - not your freaking money." And there it was ... I woke up .... before the alarm clock rang, sitting there wondering if that was a sign of what was to come and that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach of nerves.

Brent must have a new "flavor of the week" because he's finally left me alone (it's Wednesday, so we are half way there). If the guy doesn't want the help and wants to continue using drugs - I wish he would move out of this state. My friends always question "why doesn't he move back to Michigan?" Yes, that's where he's from originally. Unfortunately, this guy will end up living on the streets before he knows it.

Speaking of that, I have the most heart wrenching story that I had to endure with him. After he deserted his first family, they moved to Virginia. At the time, he had visitation rights to them. These children (minus their little brother that Brent never claimed) would get on a plane and travel to Kentucky by their selves. Every time we would take them back to the airport for their return home - it was so emotional and just so hard. My poor little step-daughter was terrified of planes, yet she walked right on with tears streaming down her face. Both Brent and I would cry like babies each time. I know these airlines treat these children that travel alone like kings and queens, but it doesn't make it any easier. I remember questioning him why we couldn't just drive them home. The answer to that is simple, because of him!

He made life so miserable for his ex-wife and when he never claimed their youngest child and even showed myself and his brothers a fictitious DNA test, no wonder! That poor kid would see his big brother and sister leave to go to their Dad's house, I always wondered what went through his head. What did his mom tell him? In reality, that child is better off then all six of them because he didn't meet Brent. There were times that I would literally argue with his brothers when they would try to tell me it was his kid. I just couldn't believe that someone, a father for that matter, could treat a poor, innocent child that cruel. Apparently, I was wrong. And I had to eat crow when I apologized to the brothers and told them they were right all along.

I've spent my morning a nervous wreck, so much goes through my mind I find it hard to focus on anything. Luckily, this blog is my outlet and really seems to help out. I don't want to come across as repetitive, but when I type - that's what's on my mind that second, so that's what I share. I know people around the world have much, much worse situations more difficult then mine. And I also know, that one day I will be able to look back on this as a learning tool and grow a much stronger person. I will be more choosier when it comes to anyone who enters my life. But, for now I'm still taking baby steps to get there. And that's why I'm sharing this journey with everyone because I'm hoping that someone out there that's following this blog is in a similar situation and will know that eventually there is light at the end of the tunnel. It would have been so easy to take my own life to escape everything, or even use drugs with Brent. But, I chose the better route, but I didn't. It's a struggle but one day I will get there and be the happy person I used to be (pre-Brent time).

With that being said, much love and God Bless!

Monday, August 27, 2012

More Lies Come About

When I first met Brent was about 10 years ago. He used to tell me more crap - and I was so smitten, I believed it. One of these "stories" was how he received some crazy amount of United States Patents for inventions that his self (personally) created while working in the automotive industry. He was very intelligent, back then, and it was so neat to hear these stories. However, he told me that his ex-wife was this ratchet, evil woman who stole them, along with other sentimental, and sport memorabilia just to make him angry. I felt so sorry for him, so when he was down and out with his Bi-polar diagnosis, I thought it would be a good idea to start to research how I could order him a duplicate. I don't know if it's even possible, but that was my goal I set out to achieve.

During my research, I uncovered more lies. Apparently, he did receive a patent. But, it wasn't just him - his whole team did. That's still an achievement and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just be proud of that fact and tell the truth. Why did he have to lie and tell me this long, drawn out bull shit story of how it was just him?!? So, considering the situation, I let it go - including my research. I figured that he still had the patents stashed away somewhere, so he wouldn't have to explain all of that. And I never brought it up again.

But, low and behold, at trial, I was asked by his attorney's to return those same freaking things. Luckily, the same judge was the one that handled Brent's first divorce, so I'm hoping that he remembers this is the same shit he pulled before. But, I was able to get something in during that moment. One of his attorney's was explaining that these were rewards for an invention that Brent created, and when it was my turn to speak I was able to slyly slide in "Actually, his whole team received it and as far as I know, he told me that his ex-wife has it." I was under oath, and the truth is what I gave.

Who will ever know the truth as to what really happened to them, but the odds are it has something to do with him. Why would his ex-wife or myself want them? Or any reminder for that matter of this douche bag that destroyed so many lives? Just saying! It's actually a very sad situation to see someone be so intelligent, so much potential - to just throw it all away for drugs. He went down fast and honestly, it breaks my heart.

If I had a penny for every time a co-worker (co-workers alone) warned me to get away from Brent before I married him - I would be rather wealthy. How did they see through him before I did? If only I would have taken heed to their warnings, where would I be?!!? Call me crazy, but I don't regret being with him. Besides the obvious, my children are the most important. But, I learned a lot from him. We did have good times together at one point and I experienced a lot with him - I moved out and on my own with this guy for the first time, I purchased my first home with this guy, our engagement, our beautiful wedding, exploring the world with him, and the most special having our babies. In my defense, I felt he was a good man when I married him and when I started to have babies with him. I have been asked a million times, "did you know he smoked crack before you married him?" The answer is simple "HELL NO". If I knew, I would have never married him much less have children with him. Now that I look back, I see the red flags all over. But, I was naive to the fact because I had little to no knowledge of the drug. There was several occasions that I suspected him of snorting cocaine, but he would  shoot that down right away and was (keyword being WAS) so good at convincing me otherwise, I literally thought I was crazy for thinking it. That's how he operated, a typical drug addict!

On another note, this weekend was crazy busy but we had such a blast! Friday, Casie had a friend come home from school with her and later that night we met up with that friend's family for dinner. It was a lot of fun! Saturday, we met up with some other of Casie's friends and their mom for a workshop and then a trip to the park. That night, we went to a little get together at a friend's house and had a blast. Sometimes just having a "girl's night out" is just good for the soul. I haven't laughed that much in forever and I need to make sure that I start to make time for these type of occasions. That experience made me realize two things: first, Casie has more of a social life then I do (smile) and two, I know I'm getting further along in the healing process, because before I would have had a million excuses of why I wouldn't be able to attend. With that being said, I'm glad I went! And finally, Sunday was a typical day at the house. My mom  makes a huge meal and throughout the day you never know who's going to show up, it's mostly my siblings and their families. It's funny because on the Facebook check-in, it pops up as "Big Momma's House" and then states "135 was here". Like I said, you never know who will show up.

My siblings and I have friends that still just drop in from time to time to see my parents or on the holidays people we haven't heard from in forever will call out of the blue just to wish them well. It's actually very sweet and I'm glad that it's like that. If I grew up with any of you, you know that our house was like an orphanage on any given day. There was four of us, and we always had a minimum of 2 or 3 friends over at a time. There was never a dull moment in this house, that's for sure.

Anyway, I'm off to school - have a great day!

God Bless and Much Love!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Empty Threats From Brent .... Once Again

This is going to come across as repetitive, but sometimes I feel like a broken record myself. This morning my phone has been blowing up with "Blocked" callers. Literally, no fewer then 50 calls from 9am-1:30pm. My mom picked up, but didn't say anything - she just listened and there was Brent screaming "Speaker ... Speaker ... Speaker" then he hung up. He immediately called back, so this time we answered on speaker and once again, didn't say anything. He continued saying the same thing, when we didn't respond he said something about a lawyer and then hung up. We laughed it off and turned the ringers off, so we wouldn't be interrupted with anymore non-sense.

As I picked the younger children up from school, they were so excited to show me the content of their Friday folders. Marissa pulled a paper in the shape of a house out and said "Look Mommy, this is our family." I noticed there was 2 mothers, 1 father, 1 boy, and 2 girls, so I asked her to tell me all about it. She explained as she pointed out each figure, "This is you, this is Casie, this is me, this is Tommy, this is Granny, and this is Poppy." That very moment, I felt blessed that she is surrounded by so much love and happiness - and it proved it by her satisfaction of her work and confidence in the fact that she is accepting her life, despite not having her father in it.

However, the phone calls continued .... when I wouldn't answer, he started to call my mom. Brent left her a message that he needed to talk with her as soon as possible and needed her help with something. What's wrong with this cracker-jack? Doesn't he know that it is a direct violation of the Domestic Violence Order once again or does he even care? Is jail part of his comfort zone now days?

When we arrived home, my Dad told us that he answered his cell phone and it was Brent in a sheepish voice. He told him that I was getting sued over this blog. Seriously? I have nothing, what could anyone possibly get? I understand he wants to shut it down and thinks his threats scare me, but luckily his words are just jibberish to me. Don't I have a right to freedom of speech? And to an opinion? As I have stated before, this is my blog. Therefore, it is my opinion of what has taken place and my journey as a single woman trying to survive a traumatic experience that Brent placed on me and his children with his obsession for drugs, hoes, lies, and whatever else.

I know nothing about him, nor do I want to. I tried everything in my power to help him and stick by him. I was faithful and a good wife. But, my children's safety and well being takes precedence over his shenanigans. Therefore, I moved on. So, if I get sued - I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Stat Update 08/22/2012

I'm excited to share that this blog reached 12k hits this week. Thanks for the support and continuing to follow. Here are the latest numbers, as of today. Please keep in mind that in the past, you may have seen other countries. If their number had a low number of hits without any returns, they fall off this chart. But, here's what I'm seeing:

Graph of most popular countries among blog viewers

United States (11884); Russia (185); Canada (89); Argentina (67); Malaysia (26); United Kingdom (22); Netherlands (20); Germany (19); Ukraine (12); India (10); France (3); Ireland (3); Costa Rica (1); India (1); Venezuela (1)

Thanks again!

Patterns of an Addict (also, including part 2 to "Communication From Brent's Girlfriend"

It would be impossible to tell you what was going on in my head. I didn't know this person and had no reason to trust her, and since the only common grounds we shared was Brent - all signs said to stay clear. But, sometimes curiosity takes over. My conclusion was this - whatever she had to say was totally irrelevant in court and all it really did, was get my mind going over this crazy bump in my road I call life.

The phone rang the next day and it was a family member. She basically broke it down like this, "do you want to get back with him?" No. "Are you hurt that he's moved on?" Well, no. Apparently, moving on was his thing in the marriage. He was never faithful. "Do you think there is any chance on this Earth that you two will ever end up together?" NO. "Then, why do you care? It's obvious that police are involved in ALL of his relationships. It's not the women, it's him. There's your proof that he never changed and he never will. Quit torturing yourself."

But, a part of me still felt sorry for this lost soul. I knew she was in grave danger by staying in that house, especially when I had proof that he NEVER stopped using. He had armed drug dealers enter that house on a daily basis. I understood what she was going through emotionally, and if I could clear the picture for her maybe she wouldn't hurt as bad as I did. That's when reality kicked in, it just wasn't my place. Sometimes in life, you have to figure things out on your own. I was warned by many people - close friends, family, co-workers, and anyone that thought I would listen. But, I was in love and blinded by ignorance. She had to go through that journey in her life to realize what  works for her. Word around town is he mistreated her and everything she thought was going on - was. And I hope for her self and safety that she is able to find peach within - whether its with him or without.

Drug abuse not only affects the person who actively uses, it also seriously affects their family, friends, and their workplace or school - a perfect example would be the story I shared about this particular incident, or my entire blog for that matter. With that being said, I would like to share information regarding patterns of an addict that I found of interest from a website.

Please check out that website for if you would like more information (http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/patterns_addiction.html)


ADDICTION PATTERNS
Resistance and Avoidance

Most addictions begin with the Feel-Good Factor, with things that make us feel better, and draw us up and out of our "normal" painful existence. But almost anything can become an addiction, especially when it serves this pattern and acts as a tool for
resistance or avoidance of our internal pain. Even things that seem like they'd be worse, like self-cutting, or flagellation can become an addiction.

We may begin doing something for pleasure, or need, or dark fascination. But then we discover "accidentally" (and usually unconsciously) that the behavior has a pay-off - it keeps our real pain far away from our consciousness. Then we begin to do the behavior less and less from desire and more and more for its ability to keep the pain away. It becomes an addiction, and a compulsion. And like any addiction, soon we reach a place where small levels of the behavior don't work anymore, and we need to resort to greater ... and more ... and more often ... in order to keep the pain away.

It doesn't matter whether it's drugs, alcohol, exercise, sex, movies, eating, not eating, people, knitting, or chewing your nails. When it becomes something you feel compelled to do, it's a pattern. The key is to notice how you feel if you stop doing the behavior. Can you stop, first of all? If you can't, then you know you've got an addictive pattern running. If you can stop for brief periods, how do you feel? What's the first feeling that surfaces? Generally the first thing that surfaces is a fear of feeling. It's the fear that says "If I stop doing XYZ and feel my pain, something bad will happen." The "something bad" might be repercussions you actually suffered at the hands of your parents, etc. Or it may be just that your pain will surface, and for some of us, that's bad enough. The things we've avoided for so long are sometimes horrifying to face.


The Needy Baby

Within each of us is a small part (or sometimes not so small) that is our needy inner child. This part, for one reason or another, never received what it needed from parents, the world, or God. Even if you had the best parents in the world, who made every effort to fulfill all your needs, chances are you were not allowed to cry your pain as often or as long as your soul needed to. At some point you received the message to stop, to suppress, to "grow up". Even if it was done gently, at some point, all beings in our society received this message. We hold an almost universal
judgment against neediness, so expressing these inner child needs in their raw state rarely has a positive response from others. It usually triggers their own angry needy inner children, and causes them to respond to our need with anger and judgment.

So what happens to these parts that haven't been allowed to fully heal? What happens to parts that are operating in a state of lack and denial, who are not allowed to express needy baby feelings directly?

They go underground.

They try to get their needs filled in less-than-direct ways. They attach themselves to outer things, they assign meaning to things and people and activities and they tell themselves that these things are what they need, and if they can only have these things, they will feel happy and fulfilled.

But of course, the things are never satisfying. What is needed is to allow the needy baby to cry fully to heal all the old feelings of lack and need that have gone into hiding in the attic. Then we can find ways to nurture and feed the needy baby, ways that will be direct and truly fulfilling to the actual needs. Although, once the old pain is cried and healed, much of the neediness dissipates naturally.


Prisoner of War

This addictive pattern sources primarily from body, and body's despair. Body feels severed from consciousness and judged by almost all the other parts. Body has a consciousness of its own, but severed from its siblings (mind, heart and soul), and disconnected from its divinity, body becomes deeply despairing and alone. There comes a point where the feelings of despair become so enormous, it's like body "hits bottom" under the weight of all suppression, repression, oppression, judgments, and hatred. It sees no way out, no road to redemption, especially when all the religions of the world say body is the enemy, something to be left behind, something to be shunned.

And so body becomes desperate and angry, backed into a corner, a prisoner of war, a starving child in a ghetto situation. Body begins to believe that taking whatever small pleasures it can get - no matter what the cost - is fully justified. When mind tries harder to control and "discipline" body, body resorts to the hostile take-over. Mind gets shoved out of the way, and body takes over to gorge. You addicts will understand what I mean here. It's a feeling (to mind) like going unconscious. Of suddenly "coming to" and realizing you've eaten an entire chocolate cake, or drunk an entire bottle of vodka.

Body gets two pay-offs here. One is the obvious pleasure of the food, drug, whatever. But the second pay-off is the feeling of control, of having successfully "stolen" something, despite mind's tight controls. There's a great pleasure in this stolen power. Even though it may feel sick afterward, even though it may be putting our life in great danger, body continues this behavior because these brief snatches of pleasure it receives makes it feel less powerless, less despairing, at least for moments.


Self-Hate / Death-Wish

Although self-hate acts out in many forms, addiction is one of the most insidious. Most of the things we become addicted to are not good for our bodies or souls. Even things that taken in moderation would be benign, can become destructive when taken in large amounts, or constantly. When self-hate is participating in addictions, it's like having a little gremlin sitting on our shoulder that is trying to punish us, make us suffer. The gremlin pushes us toward the addiction, whispering whatever will egg us on, including taunts from its bag of negatives about us. It may use the "you're weak" taunt in a twisted push to get us to do the addictive behavior in order to "prove" that we can only do it once. Things can get very twisty here.

The same gremlin sits on our heads afterwards, and whispers in our ear that we are awful, horrible, bad, weak willed, etc. If the addiction is one like drugs or alcohol that can affect our behavior, the gremlin gathers up all the things we might have done while under the influence - any bad or hurtful or embarrassing thing - to store up in its bag of negatives to lash us with later.

This self-hate might even reach death-wish proportions, and although the death-wish might be entirely outside our conscious awareness, it still operates to fulfill itself in any way it can. The more noxious the addiction, the better.

The best (worst), most addictive substances are things that give pleasure, distract us from our pain, and drag us down into death (albeit sometimes slowly).




"DRY DRUNK" FAMILY PATTERNS

Much has been written on the alcoholic family and the problems facing the adult child of alcoholic parents. We just need to mention here that the "dry drunk" behavior traits do not only apply to alcoholics or drug addicts. There is a behavior pattern that acts like an addict, but may not in fact be addicted to any particular substance. The pattern may have originated with an alcoholic family situation, and 3 generations later is still manifesting in behavioral or emotional ways that do not involve drinking.

"Dry drunk" traits consist of:


  • Exaggerated self-importance and pomposity
  • Grandiose behavior
  • A rigid, judgmental outlook
  • Impatience
  • Childish behavior
  • Irresponsible behavior
  • Irrational rationalization
  • Projection
  • Overreaction
These traits describe the "addict", whether or not the person is actively drinking or drugging. The person who acts as the "addict" in any family situation, basically controls everything through their behavior. But addict is really an insufficient word for this pattern.

I grew up in an alcoholic family, 3 generations of drinkers. The house was full of turmoil and fear and unpredictability. The children in the house learned to play their various roles. My role was responsible caretaker. When I married a man who rarely drank, I counted myself lucky. But what I found was that I had married the same family pattern in another form.

This man was diabetic, and his mother had been diabetic and had died at a relatively young age. The whole family revolved around the disease, first his mother's and later, his own. There was the constant worry, concern for diet and exercise and blood tests and insulin shots taken at the right time and in the right proportion. Because of frequent "reactions" due to eating too much sugar or taking too much insulin, it became impossible for him to hold a full time job. I took on the role of tracking his diet and sugar levels, of worrying, of calling his boss and making excuses for him. Our lives revolved around his illness. But somehow he always found the energy and health to do things that he wanted to do, such as work in the local theater group. When I finally got tired of this and tried to change my side of the pattern, he accused me of not loving him any more and he found another woman who would continue to play the codependent pattern with him.

I consider that this man was a second generation dry drunk, although alcohol was not his problem. This suggests to me that the addict pattern precedes the actual drinking or drugging problem. In other words, it's the emotional factors that are the most important and causal here. There may be a combination of Needy Baby and Self-Hate running here, as well as some of Body's Despair, which makes control the main issue. This pattern requires that the entire family focus on the "addict" and their problems, and they manipulate the situation by going further into their "sickness" when the right attention isn't paid. Inevitably, when I tried to stop care taking my husband, he would overdose on insulin, and scare me back into line. I'm sure there are many people with chronic illnesses or problems that fall into this same category. They may not be as volatile or potentially violent as the alcoholic family, but the patterns are still insidious and damaging. For everybody involved.

Response to Brent's Comment That Was Posted

I try to make it a habit to share all comments that I receive - good or bad, as most of you faithful followers have noticed. This one is someone defending me that I received from a blog follower addressing Brent's earlier comment (posted this week). Thanks for having my back and I've taken his abuse for so long, I don't even pay attention to him anymore. His words hold no value whatsoever. We have to bare in mind, it's not him - it's the drugs!

From: Peter
I'm not an Engineer without a job due to drugs, or a crack head, nor a shoplifter. I do think she is all that - so put that in your pipe and smoke it, RicharD-Head!

Communication From Brent's Girlfriend

It wasn't a call that was expected, but one night in early June the home phone rang. Since I live with my parents, I normally don't check the caller id because most of my phone calls come through on my cell phone. About 15 minutes later, Casie ran up to my room and said "Mommy, Granny needs you it's an emergency!" I jumped up and while in motion I asked "Is she OK? Did she fall?" In my mind I knew something was up, this NEVER happens. So, I turned to Casie grabbed her hand and said "I need you to be a big girl and stay up here. Keep the little ones occupied and I will be back up as soon as I can." It was late because I remember the children had all had their baths and dressed in their jammies. I ran downstairs where my mom sat, on the phone, and looked at me and whispered "It's the girlfriend!" My first instinct was to tell her to hang up, but then I ran for the voice recorder and picked up on the other end (not saying a word).

Apparently, when she called she introduced herself and asked to speak with me. My mom, bless her heart, went into defense mode and said "You can't talk to her, that's a violation of the EPO, what do you want?"

And there it was, spilled out before our eyes - this poor woman had been drug down the "Brent Path" just as I had been. She explained that they met in rehab and admitted to posting the comment that I had addressed on my blog. She was very friendly, but it was strange at the same time. Apparently, at the time they broke up and she needed someone to talk to that would understand. She played my mom voice mails that Brent's big, dumb friend had left her. They were so degrading and I was very relieved that a monster like that was no longer in my life. He was down right cruel to her. But, I knew she wasn't finished with Brent for the simple fact,I could see her defending him just as I did.

After the conversation ended, I couldn't believe what I heard. My first call was to my attorney explaining what just went down. Then, as the dust settled my mom and I started to think of questions that should have been asked.

I knew about her, in fact at that point, I knew more then I should have. But, deep down I always felt sorry for her. Brent is such a manipulative person, he could really play mind games if only given a chance. After hearing her voice, only confirmed my theory. It was weird, how do you even consider some one's feelings who is living in my house, sleeping with my husband, yes I filed for divorce, but that was still the facts.

I couldn't sleep that night, I thought about so much, but the one thing that circled in my head was when she explained that Brent and his big, dumb friend referred to me as "The Bitch" and they had her convinced that my blog was a load of shit. However, as she kept reading it, she started to see the signs and realized what I said was true. She saw it first hand.

The other thing is kind of stupid, but she said that Brent and, again, his big, dumb friend thought it was funny that they stole my parents Kroger fuel points. Once again, we felt sorry for them. They must have been hard up for cash and obviously needed them more then we did.

I have to leave to go pick up the kids, so I have to cut this one short .... but, the next morning the phone rang again. [Stay tuned.]

Monday, August 20, 2012

Brent's At It Again

Now that school is back in, my weekly schedule is pretty much routine. It goes kind of like this, wake up, get the kids ready, feed them breakfast and drop them off at school. Marissa is the first to drop off, in which might I add today was the first day without any tears, then we go to Tommy's class, and last but certainly not least, I take Casie to the cafeteria where she waits until the bell rings before being dismissed to her class. Then, I head back to my house and either do my house chores or my homework (since I do go to college full time, despite Brent's last comment). And before you know it, it's time to leave to go pick up the two younger ones. We come home, have lunch and then they usually crash out and about 3 hours later, I leave to go pick Casie up. It sounds exhausting, but I'm glad to be able to do it. So, no complaints here.

Tonight was an exception, there was a mandatory parents meeting at the children's school. As I made my rounds to each appropriate classroom I was so proud of my children and how far they have come, since their whole world was pulled out from underneath them on the night of September 15th, 2010. But, there's always a reminder that makes me take a step back and just feel so sorry for them. For example, one of the teachers told me that one of my kids approached her and said "did you know that my dad is in jail". Of course, I have been honest with my children from day one in explaining the situation to them - not from "my side" of view, but the facts. After all, most of what I am telling them is a matter of public record and I would rather them hear from me v. hearing from someone else. And as I said numerous times, I'm not a saint - I've had my moments, but I can honestly say that the minute I found out I was going to be a mother, that became my number one priority. I have also encouraged my children to talk about it with someone they trust. I also explained to them that other children aren't familiar with this type of "business", so to talk to an adult like me, their Grandparents, teachers, or whoever they feel comfortable with. Luckily, I notified the school before hand so the teacher knew what he was talking about and simply responded with "well, you know, everyone has to live somewhere" and that was good enough to the child. Sometimes, as parents we tend to over think responses, but simple ones like that is what they are satisfied with. I don't know if Brent is in jail or not, or frankly any of his buisness now days, but boy does he know about mine. And that should be expected since I'm living my life as an open book to this blog.

Throughout the day, I received several "blocked" calls. I ignored all of them, but I couldn't take it anymore and finally picked up and said "Hello Richard Head!". As in the past, 99.9% of the time it's normally Brent. Only this time, it was a lady named Savannah who worked at a Malibu retreat center and just received my email regarding my depression. One big guess who did that?!? I kindly told the lady that I appreciated her call, but that my EX-husband was the one doing it and has been doing it for sometime now and I was sorry for wasting her time. This went on over and over again. Instead of getting angry or even, I felt pain for him.  There he is a 45 year old man that has nothing better to do with his time then sign ME up for mental facilities. At first, I saw his humor in it. But, now its just sad. Speaking of mental, I had a visual of this poor, lost soul sitting by his self signing me up for things on the Internet while he hits the crack pipe. I just had to pray. Yes, I suffered serious depression going through this and still am. But, I've never been that low and I would consider myself to be respectful to everyone. Is his life that miserable and pathetic?!? If you would see my cell phone bill, you would certainly think so. With that being said, say a special prayer for this guy. God knows he needs it.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be with less phone calls - from mental hospitals. (smile)

Enjoy the rest of your evening! Much love and God Bless!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Message from Brent

Ok, one more thing ... I had to share what Brent added on my website a few minutes ago. He named his self "Richard Head". How funny!!! Glad to see he knows to refer to himself as a D!ck Head! Anyway, here's his thoughts .... just wanted to share. Apparently, I still bother him or he wouldn't have wasted his time. Cute! I hope he has a magical day!

Richard Head

Observation Day

This morning I was woke up by my kids yelling. One had bread all over the kitchen floor, the other had pulled all the clothes out of a drawer, and the other one was jumping on the bed. Normally, I'm up before them, but today was an exception. After breakfast, we got ready and headed off to church. As my children left to attend the children's mass, I was able to take a deep breath and finally relax after our wild and crazy morning. Although this time was different, I observed a family of four sitting in front of me. They seemed so happy and loving towards each other. I wondered if couple's could truly be that happy. Surrounding me in this building was families after families of all kinds. I couldn't help but wish that I was that happy and had someone to share in all the madness with.

Our next stop after church was to grab a quick lunch and then head to get Casie's glasses fixed. Marissa was still acting like a wild animal, so I took her out to the car to wait for the rest of the gang to come out. Parked next to me was an SUV full of children. The mother came walking out the door with her hands full of bags of food and opened the door. I didn't look over, but all of a sudden I heard a lot of commotion and the mother shout out "Shit!". As it continued, the mother shouted out again "You get what I got and that's that." I wanted to turn to her and say, "I hear ya sista, I'm right there with you." But, instead I once again remained quiet.

We made way to the eye glass place to get Casie's glasses repaired and I walked in frustrated and the man that waited on us was so calm and pleasant. He made the repairs and even gave Casie a new case that was really girly. It made her day and as I walked out, I felt grateful and happy.

It's apparent that your actions will affect some one else. So, even when you are disappointed, hurt, sad, or let down - always be kind to other's and it will make a difference. I know that sounds corny, but when I got back in the car with my crazy, little family I smiled at each of them and the whole atmosphere changed. I am blessed and happy as those families in church, I just don't have a husband and my children don't have a father, but we are happy!

On the other end of the spectrum, Brent has his own demons to face. Not only is he facing a foreclosure, a divorce, Violation of Domestic Violence Charges, a felony charge that has something to deal with a stolen car, but now he can add shoplifting from a Wal-Mart on to his list. It's crazy! I can't believe this was the same man I married. This guy has gone off the deep end for drugs and hoes and I'm so thankful that my children and I are away from him. I hope for the ones that are reading this that are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol - this should serve as an example of what your future holds. No one can help you, it's gotta be you. For the love of yourself, your family and friends, don't take this road. There is help! Get it!

P.S. The magazine that I will be in went to print and will be on shelves August 30th. I will release the name at that time. Be sure to check it out all you locals (Louisville, Kentucky). For those of you that aren't, I will try to post the website.

Much love to all and God Bless each of you!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Sharing of a Cocaine Website




A reader to this blog sent me this website and I wanted to share. It really hits home to so many. And for those readers that are addicts, there is hope for you.

http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/cocaine.htm

Cocaine

No drug takes you down faster or harder than crack. There are two forms of cocaine, the powdered form that you snort, and crack that you smoke.
Cocaine is so addictive that if you give a mouse a hit of cocaine every time it presses a lever, it will do nothing else but press that lever. It won't stop for a minute to take a sip of water or a bite to eat, and eventually it will die from a cocaine overdose. The only thing that prevents people from overdosing on crack is their bank account. Once people are addicted to crack, they will sell their soul for another hit.
Look at the self-test questionnaire page to see if you have an addiction.

The Consequences of Cocaine Use

Cocaine is a stimulant, therefore it causes your heart to beat faster and your blood vessels to constrict, which can lead to high blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes. Heart attacks in young patients without a history of heart disease are so frequently due to cocaine that emergency room doctors are taught to consider it as one of the first diagnoses.(1)
Cocaine is an important cause of cardiac arrest. Cocaine causes your heart to speed up, and in some cases go so fast that it actually stops. What is especially deadly about cocaine is that there is no correlation between how many times you've used cocaine or how much you used, and when you will suffer a cardiac arrest. Some people die after their first use. Other people have used cocaine hundreds of times, and then drop dead on the very next time. Some university athletes who suddenly drop dead are discovered to have died from a cocaine induced cardiac arrest.
As with all drugs, the most important consequences of cocaine addiction are psychological, social, and emotional. But with cocaine they happen faster and harder than with other drugs. If you are a cocaine addict, you don't have to wonder if you've hurt your friends and family. You can be sure that you have.
The broader consequences of addiction. Look at the disease of addiction page to learn more about the broader consequences of addiction.

Withdrawal Symptoms

The withdrawal symptoms of cocaine are emotional.There are no physical withdrawal symptoms from cocaine, which is why people sometimes trick themselves into thinking they aren't addicted to it. "I'm not physically addicted to cocaine." But there's no physical addiction and non-physical addiction – there's just addiction. All addiction occurs in the brain.
Even though there are no physical withdrawal symptoms, cocaine still satisfies the criteria of addiction. People have difficulty controlling how much they use, and they continue to use even though it has negative consequences to their life.
The emotional withdrawal symptoms of cocaine are:
  • Tiredness
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Moodiness
Post-acute withdrawal. Look at the post-acute withdrawal page to learn about those symptoms and how to deal with them. The post-acute withdrawal symptoms for cocaine are similar to those of other drugs:
  • Mood swings
  • Variable energy
  • Low enthusiasm
  • Poor concentration
  • Sleep disturbances

Cross Addiction

Most cocaine addicts struggle with the idea of total abstinence. If you're addicted to cocaine, you know you never want to use cocaine again. Cocaine has ruined your life, it has cost you a lot of money, but you're not sure about stopping alcohol. Maybe alcohol has never been a problem. But because of cross addiction, if you want to stop using cocaine you must also stop all addictive drugs including alcohol and marijuana.
Alcohol is a common trigger for cocaine use. You'll start with just a few drinks a week. Maybe you'll drink moderately for weeks or even months without using cocaine. But then one week, you'll have a bad week. Bad things happen. During that week, everything will go wrong. You'll be stressed out at work. You'll have an argument at home. And by the end of the week, you'll really want a drink. But instead of just a few drinks, you'll want maybe three or four drinks to take the edge off. After the first one or two drinks, your inhibitions will be lower. After two or three drinks, you'll reach a magic number, and your brain will suddenly say "Bingo. I remember this feeling, and I remember something that feels even better." And you'll be off using again.
Recovery requires total abstinence. (Reference: www.AddictionsAndRecovery.org)

Recovery and Relapse Prevention Strategies

If you have decided that you are addicted, this is your opportunity to change your life. Learn more about recovery skills and relapse prevention strategies in the following pages. You can recover from addiction and be happier.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Girl Talk

Since I vowed to be honest through my journey, I have to share this story. Although embarrassing, it holds a valuable lesson for single mothers who lose themselves in the whole story of parenthood.

Today was the children's first day of school. My parents went with me, but only my father walked me into the school. First stop, Marissa's class. I knew she would be the hardest since this was her first day ever. We entered the classroom and walked her straight to her cubby - took some pictures, hung up her bag, and then we were shooting for a quick exit. BUT, dumb, dumb me turned around and there she stood with her bottom lip quivering. I noticed that my Dad started to walk back towards her and I knew it was my place to the strong one for all of us. I looked up at him and said "Dad, come on! Let's go .... NOW!". As we made the short trip down the hall to Tommy's class, I turned around again. It was apparent my father was filled up with emotions and didn't know what to say. As my eyes filled up, I casually said "The teacher told me it only makes it worse if we linger around - it's best we got out of there as fast as we could." I must have put up a good front, but deep down my heart was breaking. My baby is not a baby anymore.

We arrived to Tommy's room. Casie ran to hug Tommy's teacher that she used to have last year. Again, same routine ... we walked him to his cubby, hung up his bag, and took pictures. The only difference was - he was the one that walked off and started playing with his friends. Not even looking back at me, he said "See you in a little while, Momma."  WHAT?!? That's it?!? This is far from the little man that I walked in last year - he was so upset and chased me down the hall begging me not to leave. Now he wasn't even phased by the fact that I leaving him. Maybe this was worse then Marissa. Whatever it was, I didn't have time to think about it. I marched on with Casie off to the cafeteria where she had to sit until the bell rang,I knew she was a little nervous so I had to continue my front. Luckily, familiar faces started to arrive and I was relieved by the reassuring look some of the parents gave me. We had a mutual feeling and those looks we gave each other seemed to have helped. I turned to walk out, as I did I felt a little tug on my shirt. There was my big Kindergarten girl staring up at me through her new glasses, "Can you stay a little bit longer?" I smiled back at her and said "Of course I can." My Dad made his way through the cafeteria and back to the car where my mother was. The school bell rang and each grade level was dismissed and headed to the appropriate classroom. I walked Casie to her cubby, hung up her bag, took a picture, and she stuck her arms out wide for a big hug. At that point, I knew she would be fine.

As I drove home to drop my Dad off, I started to think of an incident that happened a few days before. I got together with some girlfriends and towards the end, one pulled me aside. I'm not sure exactly what we were talking about, but everyone was laughing. She pulled my arm and tugged me away for some privacy and said "I'm leaving, but I'm going to tell you something that is probably going to make you mad. Just listen to what I have to say and for once in your life, keep your mouth shut! Don't call me tonight, I will talk to you when you realized what I'm saying is true because believe me - I'm only saying it because I'm a REAL friend." I remember saying "Shut up! What's the matter? Are you OK?" She took a deep breath and started ... and when she started she didn't shut up. I took every word in, but to be honest I was so in shock I couldn't say anything. Her big brown eyes stared at me like she looks at her children and she said, "I've known you forever and back in the day when I was down and out - I knew I could call on you because you're ass was so silly you could always make me laugh. THAT CC  was the center of attention, everyone loved to be around you because you had a way about you that just sucked people in. You didn't get mad over caddy stuff and you were the only person I ever knew that her Macy's card was always maxed out and you had the latest of the latest. I would call you up and say, let's go out and I knew it would take you an hour to shower and get ready. This girl now .... YOU (she pointed in disgust), I don't know who you are. While you've been off playing Mommy AND Daddy, you lost yourself. Personally, I know that playing one role as a parent is difficult enough and I can't even image being both and my hats off to you for a job well done. But,when you take those children to school on the first day, it's time you take some CC time. When you get out of the shower, don't just throw your hair in a ponytail ... fix it up like you are about to meet the love of your life. You have cuter clothes then t-shirts and gym shorts. And for God's safe, take the extra 10 minutes to put make up on. You have 3 hours everyday that you can take a vacation from being a mommy! Take advantage of it. More importantly, I know you don't have a man ... but shave your damn legs! Love ya girl! I'm sure I will talk to you next week!" And she disappeared in the crowd.

WTF! I felt my blood pressure rising and thought "what a bitch" but on that journey home from my children's school I knew she was right. But my legs, luckily being a natural blonde my hairs aren't as noticable ... or at least I thought. I meant it wasn't amazon shit, it was just a little stubble.

For so long, I put my children first; as should any parent. But, the problem is I never made time for myself. Deep down, I truly felt "what's the point - who would want a fat ass like me." But today was different, instead of feeling all Eeyore like, I started to think of the positive things. At my doctor's visit on Monday, I had lost weight and was no longer considered "pre-diabetic", it's been 2 months since I quit smoking, and I started to realize that I do have a lot to be thankful for, so I pulled up to let my Dad out at the end of the driveway and turned towards my mom. "Well, what's the plan, Stan?"; she knew I already had a plan, so it was pointless for her to even say a word. I looked at her and said "We're going shopping ... kids free!". It's wasn't anything extravagant, it was simply Target. I passed the children's clothing section, toys, and made my way to health and beauty. My first stop - the razor isle. As I reached for the brand I normally get, I noticed a bottle of Nair Hair Removal. Curiosity got the best of me, I never used this product. Does it actually work? I grabbed it, what do I have to lose, right?!?

Before I knew it, it was time to pick up the two little ones from half day preschool, they were excited to see me and couldn't wait to tell me all about their day. We ate lunch and they crashed. Poor kids must have really got wore out on their first day of school. As they rested, I made homemade Snicker doodle cookies and played around the house for a little while before I crashed out myself.

It wasn't long until my alarm started buzzing for me to go get Casie. She was so excited about her first day as well and shared something she made. It was a nice feeling hearing about her friendships, how her teacher was so nice, and how she got to go through the lunch line for the first time.

After dinner, the kids got their bath, and off to bed they went. Again, my conversation with my friend popped in my head. How could I get her voice to shut up in my head?!? I jumped up and made way to the white Target plastic bag hanging on the stairwell banister. I took the bottle of Nair out and carefully read the directions. I applied before I got in the shower just as it said to do and miraculously it worked! That was my motivation I needed. No razor burn, my legs are silky, and  ... oh shit, wait ... no more bragging on this product. I started to burn like no other. Apparently, my skin is too sensitive and couldn't handle this - why didn't I only test out one little area?!?! Now I'm dying literally EVERYWHERE!!!! What do I do?!?! If my goofy friend wouldn't have made me so damned paranoid, maybe I wouldn't have rushed the process. I looked up, took a deep breath, and questioned why!!!! When I reached for the a ponytail holder, I knocked over a bottle. Damn her! Maybe that was my sign to go dry my hair instead of falling asleep on it wet.

It wasn't long later until I started to feel some relief and luckily the irritation faded as well. I glanced at the phone and knew I needed to make a call. I dialed Brittney's number and with a loud annoying voice she answered and screamed "Well, well, well, look who arrived from the dead - I knew you wouldn't stay mad for long. Did you take my advise and doll yourself up??" I started to laugh and immediately shared my embarrassing moment with her. I'm taking baby steps, but I will find myself one day. And in the mean time,  I will take that bitches advice and focus a little more time on getting ready before I leave the house.

With that being said, be thankful for your friends! (laughing)

Much love and God Bless!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Olympics, Picnics, Life, etc.

Last night's Closing Ceremony of the Olympics were so cool. My niece didn't want to miss the performance by One Direction, so she made my sister and her husband stay at our house until they came on, so she wouldn't miss a second of it. I'm not sure if we missed them or what, but at 11pm when the local station airing it came on and said "We will return to the rest of the ceremony in one hour" we were all kind of bummed. But, the whole thing was awesome!

Things have been quiet as far as Brent's concerned. My children got to go to "Meet Your Teacher Day" at their school. It was bittersweet. For some reason, I'm having a harder time this year letting my children go.

Something keeps coming up from the trial that is really bothering me. Brent's team of attorney's made it a point to tell the judge that my two younger children are in "daycare" and that it's basically a waste of money. Yet, here's my side ... since Brent has yet to pay one penny towards tuition and cares more about refilling his crack pipe then his children's every day life, I question why he even has a say so in the matter. But, second of all it's preschool NOT daycare. According to Wikipedia, here's the definition of that word. Preschool education (or infant education) is the provision of learning to children before the commencement of statutory and obligatory education, usually between the ages of zero and three or five, depending on the jurisdiction. Next of all, my children enjoy this school - they have established friendships, religion, education, and most of all - they are happy there. Yes, I'm literally located 2 minutes from another school. But, this is familiar grounds for them and since they had so much change in their life already, I will flip freakin' burgers to keep them there. The two younger ones are only going half days, so let's clear this up ... if I was going to put them in "daycare" - I wouldn't pay what I do for 3 hours, 5 days a week. Besides the fact, that it has been proven that this period of their brain development is most crucial. With that being said, my children are in great hands at this school and I'm impressed by what they've learned thus far.

I guess that's just the nature of divorce to see how you can make the other one look bad. I can honestly say, I didn't take that approach. I didn't have to ... he did it all on his own. But, what-ev's! I guess if I was in his shoes, I would be grasping at straws as well. Let the chips fall where they may. I'm gonna bust a Charlie Sheen out and still scream "I'm winning"! Having sole custody over them was what was most important.

This weekend I hung out with my family at the St. Joe's Orphanage Picnic. I copied some information below from their website at www.sjkids.org because this picnic holds significant importance in the Louisville Community, besides the sentimental ones that each person holds. I remember going there as a kid with both sets of grandparents, my parents, siblings, and my friends. So, it's really special to share it with my children.

My cousin reminded me of a funny story that my paternal Grandmother would share every year around this time and I would love to share with you. My grandparents had 7 children - 6 boys and 1 girl. When their children were young, my grandparents took them to this picnic. One particular year, my Grandfather won a big cash grand prize. Over the loud PA system, the spoke person kept calling his name as the winner and to report to a certain area. Since this picnic is so large, my Grandmother happened to be on the other side of the picnic at the time and frantically made way to locate her husband. Before she could arrive, the spokesperson got back on the intercom and announced "We would like to thank our Jackpot Winner for his generous donation to the Orphanage!" As the crowd cheered on my Grandfather for donating his entire winnings, my Grandmother got lost in thought, "didn't he realize he had his own orphanage at home"?!?!

Here is the info from the website:
The Picnic is born

In 1851, a fair was organized to meet the payments on the Society's first home. This annual picnic continues to be a major fundraiser as well as a community social event.

Families have changed since 1849, but at St. Joseph Children's Home our commitment to children has not. Through the years, we have offered hope in family-crisis situations, assisting the child in overcoming obstacles which could limit growth and development.

Today's dependent child is no longer a victim of epidemic or war, but of family crisis, financial difficulty or an abusive, neglectful environment. In response to changing societal conditions, St. Joseph has evolved from an orphanage to that of a more diversified child caring facility.

If you get an opportunity, be sure to check out their website. It's really interesting. Anyway, the children start school this week, so I'm going to jump off here and enjoy the last moments of summer with these crazy kids.

Much love to all and God Bless!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Brent Won't Bring Me Down

Brent called me last night (and yes, he's still violating the Domestic Violence Disorder). He came through with a different number that I didn't recognize and I answered. His voice was low and shaky and he proceeded to tell me that there's $600,000 hid that no one will ever find. However, if I call off this before the judge makes his ruling that he would give me half of it and the other half would be to buy a house and renew our vows.

At first I was angry and there was so stuff I wanted to get off my chest. I know that I shouldn't waste my time on his lies and bull shit, but I just couldn't help myself. This is how the convo went:

Me: "Yeah right. Why don't you come at me with questions about your children first? Like, what was I talking about at the trial when I referred to learning difficulties with Tommy?"

Brent: "I read the blog, I know he's color blind."

Me: "No, he's actually not."

Brent: "Well, then what's wrong?"

Me: "When you decide to be a parent before a crack head, I would love to share this information with you."

(He continued with more of his bull shit .... and I interrupted with ...)

"Seriously Brent! If this is true, prove it. Put the money in my account and we will go from there. I don't believe you and can't believe that you testified today that you used money for drugs and refused to with drawl anything for child support because you didn't want to get hit with a tax penalty. It's four months that you are now behind in child support and that's not even including the money that you agreed to pay me for the children's tuition - don't you know it's the children that are getting hurt?!? Or do you care?"

I started to get more angry and just disconnected the phone call. My ringer on my cell phone had to be turned off because 12 more calls came through as a "blocked" caller and I didn't want to interrupt my day with any more nonsense.

After such a long day, I was completely exhausted. It was nice to hit the pillow and finally sleep in peace. I think it was the first night in years that I didn't wake up with nightmares of past events or other things pertaining to this "relationship". I guess my Psychologist and Psychiatrist would be pleased to hear that.

However, this morning I didn't really feel "refreshed" after waking up. I called my Endocrinologist to see if my blood work was in about my THC levels - that basically means to see if my Thyroid levels were out of whack. And guess what? They are! The doctor wants to see me immediately to adjust the dose of my medication. That kind of freaks me out since once the judge signs the decree - I automatically lose my insurance.

My paternal grandmother always used the theory of "don't worry about the past - there's nothing you can do to change it; don't worry about the future - it's not here yet; take today and live it to the fullest." After being reminded of that several times over the course of the week, I took her advise and continued about my day. Since I started college in June, I spent most of the day working on school work, playing with the children, making sure everything was in order for them to start school next week, and just being thankful for everything I have in my life. If my parents weren't as cool as they are - no telling where I would be right now. But most importantly, for my children and knowing that they are going to be safe with me.

Creepy creeper ton called more today, but I left my ringer off so that I wouldn't be interrupted with what lies he wanted to feed me. The only problem is I walked out of the room and left my phone on the kitchen table. Marrissa saw it light up and answered it. I heard her keep yelling "Hello .... Hello ...Hello" I walked around the corner because I thought she was being silly and discovered what was really going on. I ran over to her and she handed me the phone and told me it was my brother. I hurried up and hung up because my brother has never called me from a blocked number and I didn't want to alarm her, so I looked at her, smiled, and said "He couldn't talk - I will call him back later." Immediately, I wrapped her up in a big hug and held her tight. Her laugh was what I needed. That poor little child didn't know it was her father on the phone. It broke my heart, but at the same time I was relieved.

Sometimes life throws you curve balls .... no scratch that, real shit balls.Take it from me, I was really depressed and couldn't understand life. But, eventually it will pass and you will get through it. Hang in there and keep your head up. It will get better!