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Friday, September 28, 2012

Keeping Busy, Helps Keep the Mind from Wondering

Yesterday was such a busy day! I picked the two little ones up early from Preschool because Marissa had an appointment with the Cardiologist. We were told that she has a murmur, which she will probably have the rest of her life. The good news is though, the kind she has will not cause any problems. Before we headed off to the Doppler room, the doctor told us, "if the hole in the heart closed - you won't have to come back". Yet, the ultrasound should that it was still there. It did get smaller, compared to last year, but since it's still there she needs to go back in 2 years.

Our next line of business was to head home and start working on the fish tank. Tommy and Marissa found the algae wafers for the algae eater and decided to feed it. The only problem is - they put the whole bag in. It was a crazy mess. The water turned murky almost immediately. With several trips back and forth to the fish store, a 75% water change, and cleaning EVERYTHING in the tank - it started to clear up. Unfortunately, this morning the algae grew back and is steadily trying to take over the tank again. The numbers are way off when I tested it, but I'm going to stay positive and hope that after everything settles our tank will go back to being beautiful again. This is one of my hobbies I started after I left Brent. It's peaceful to watch and has proved to be beneficial to calm stress and lower blood pressure.

Tonight is a big high school football game in Louisville, the Trinity-St. Xavier game. According to USA Today, the game is arguably the biggest rivalry in high school sports as 35,000 fans are expected travel Friday night to the University of Louisville’s Papa Johns Stadium. Trinity has won 30 in a row and the past four matchups, but St. Xavier holds the series edge, 36-34-2. Both of these school are great!!! But, with having more ties to Trinity, that's who I root for. And don't even get me started on the tailgating for this game! It's so much fun!!! At the children's school today, it was "Spirit Wear" - they got to wear shirts representing their team. Since my father, brother, nephew, and many other friends and family went to Trinity, we have a lot of attire. But, it's always fun to head to the campus store before a big game. Therefore, that was another stop on our "to-do" list yesterday.

After helping the kids with homework, baths, and getting them to bed, I left to go hang with a good friend who was sitting in the ER. Despite where we were, we made the best of it and had a good time. Then, to top off the night, there was a Jersey Shore marathon on. (LOL!) I love that show. They crack me up at some of the stuff they say and do.

So, before signing off for the weekend, I want to once again say thank you for the continued support!! And please have a fun, safe, and relaxing weekend. God Bless and Much Love!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Tuff Love

Whoa! This quarter in school is going to give me a run for my money. Fractions is my enemy, for sure!! I don't know what it is about them, but I just don't get it. Maybe this class will get me on track. I'm staying positive.

Yesterday, we had some storms come through Louisville and the power kept going out. So, between that and homework, I apologize for not writing a post yesterday.

Anyway, I came across a website this morning that I would like to share in regards to crack. I know I've talked about this subject on past posts, but this really puts it into perspective. I only copied a few key points, but you can find more information at www.drugabuse.gov

  • The faster cocaine is absorbed into the bloodstream and delivered to the brain, the more intense the high. Injecting or smoking cocaine produces a quicker, stronger high than snorting. On the other hand, faster absorption usually means shorter duration of action: the high from snorting cocaine may last 15 to 30 minutes, but the high from smoking may last only 5 to 10 minutes. In order to sustain the high, a cocaine abuser has to administer the drug again. For this reason, cocaine is sometimes abused in binges—taken repeatedly within a relatively short period of time, at increasingly higher doses.
  • Many cocaine abusers report that they seek but fail to achieve as much pleasure as they did from their first exposure. Some users will increase their dose in an attempt to intensify and prolong the euphoria, but this can also increase the risk of adverse psychological or physiological effects.
  • Different methods of taking cocaine can produce different adverse effects. Regular intranasal use (snorting) of cocaine, for example, can lead to loss of the sense of smell; nosebleeds; problems with swallowing; hoarseness; and a chronically runny nose. Ingesting cocaine can cause severe bowel gangrene as a result of reduced blood flow. Injecting cocaine can bring about severe allergic reactions and increased risk for contracting HIV/AIDS and other blood-borne diseases. Binge-patterned cocaine use may lead to irritability, restlessness, and anxiety. Cocaine abusers can also experience severe paranoia—a temporary state of full-blown paranoid psychosis—in which they lose touch with reality and experience auditory hallucinations.
    Regardless of the route or frequency of use, cocaine abusers can experience acute cardiovascular or cerebrovascular emergencies, such as a heart attack or stroke, which may cause sudden death. Cocaine-related deaths are often a result of cardiac arrest or seizure followed by respiratory arrest.
It's scary to read websites like this, because on this particular one it showed a survey of children ages 12-18. Seriously??? 12 years old?!?!? What is this world coming to?? Better yet, why would anyone want to "try" it out with warnings like what's listed above?!?

With Brent being Bipolar, doesn't he worry about the interactions between his medication and this drug? I guess people that are so far gone don't really consider this, but considering he is the father of my children - I do. I worry about it so much! My children would be devastated if something happens to him.

When Brent had supervised visitation, it was always a mystery if he would show up or not. It got to the point to where I didn't tell the kids it was "visit from Daddy" day, so I wouldn't see their disappointment. The last time he actually showed up was October (2011). The following December is when the judge ruled that the children would be in serious danger around him, therefore his visitation was rescinded. However, he decided to show up at the children's Christmas Program at school. So, that's actually the last time the children saw him. Does that bother him, like it does them? Is his 5 minute high really that more important? For someone who once had everything has almost lost everything. When and where is his "rock bottom"?!?! If you are reading this and are thinking about using or even if you currently use, take this bozo as a prime example. At one point in his life, he was a millionaire. He had it all! Now, he's alone, no job, no home, no family, and the walls are still tumbling down on him. Someone very wise once told me there is help for addiction! And offering tuff love, is better then anything. So, letting the chips fall where they may is maybe just what the doctor ordered.

God Bless and Much Love!
     

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Thank You!!

OK, so after a good night's rest - I feel better. Maybe just a little agitated. But, maybe I just needed a good cry. I was able to get my school work, for one class, accomplished today and overall it was a very productive day. However, having a break down like this is apparently part of the process, I would like to share some of the text, emails, and facebook messages that I received.

From My Dear Friend:
I understand. I am feeling a lot of that too. U r not alone. U r not a loser. By any means of the word. U r a survivor. Anyone would be struggling that went thru what u have gone thru. Think of your healing like sand going thru an hourglass. Some sand has already went thru, and that represents the past couple of years, while there is sand that has yet fallen thru. As time goes on, u will get better and better. It may take 20 months and it make take 20 years but eventually there will be no more sand to fall thru. Another thing that has helped me is try not to look ahead too much. It's way to scary to worry all the time about how we are going to raise these kids alone. Just go day by day. We got them this far and the race isn't over yet. We have to just keep on going. Whether we are happy, sad, or even a little constipated. MADE U LAUGH!

Love her. She's very consistent with every post of either leaving a comment or sending a text. You're a good friend girl!!! And thanks for being you!

From Another Dear Friend:
We love you!! We are hear for you to lean on. You have been thru so much, try to cut yourself some slack. I know it will get better bc I KNOW you are a strong person. You may not feel it now, but YOU ARE STRONG!!

Love her too! This one also sent text and called. Then, when I saw her this afternoon, she gave me another pep talk. I'm blessed to have strong women like this in my life!!!!

From my Cousin/God-Mother:
This is all normal. All you think about is the day you will finally be divorced and free THEN you grieve like a death over what could have been after this happens. This passes with Faith and prayer and helpful therapy sessions. When one feels weakest standing drop to your knees, I promise the Lord is there to listen.

Strong words, and very true!!! No wonder my parents chose you as my God-Mother. ;)

From My Adorable Aunt:
SO SORRY YOU ARE FEELING SO DOWN,JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON,THINGS WILL GET BETTER FOR YOU,I AM NOT GOOD AT KNOWING WHAT TO DO OR SAY JUST KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO LOVE YOU SO MUCH,AND YOUR SWEET LITTLE KIDS THEY ARE SO PRECIOUS,I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS,I KNOW THINGS WILL BE BETTER FOR YOU.

I could tell you a million times that I have the best family and friends in the world, but it wouldn't be enough. As much as I would love to share the rest, I just can't. But, please know I appreciate every single one!!!! When you are going through times like this, you need all the support you can get. And honestly, these people, along with many other's is what keeps me going. That's why I wanted to take this opportunity to share some of these - love each of you so much!!!!! And I can't thank you enough.

God Bless and Much Love!!!


Monday, September 24, 2012

How???

Today is hard! I feel myself sliding back into the "depressed mode". Writing at this time, is usually my best work, so turning to the blog only seems appropriate. Sometimes I wonder if I put up a front that everything is all good, when in actuality it's not. I'm a single mother of three, living with my parents. What kind of loser am I? The Fall Classes at my school started today, but I'm having a hard time focusing on much, so I will let it go today and try tomorrow. Most of the morning, while the children were at school, I stayed in bed. Not only mentally am I drained, but now I'm physically sick. I want to cry, but that will only upset my children, so I find myself holding it all in again and hiding behind fake smiles. Everything is getting on my nerves!!! And a lot of people, for that matter, as well. My dear friend came to talk to me today as we waited to pick the kids up from school, and I noticed everything that came out of my mouth was negative. I wonder if she noticed? My mind has a million things going on at once, kind of like this paragraph and I'm not sure how to settle it down. I don't want to rely on medication to do this - I need to figure it out, besides the fact of no longer having insurance. But, how? Why?

Yes, I'm still upset by the fact that my ex-husband chose drugs and whores over our family. How does anyone get over that? Will I ever begin to heal? Yes, I'm in a much better place now then I was two years ago. Yet, the pain is still very much there. Very much real. I hate him for what he did to us. But, I still feel sorry for him at the same time. He doesn't have a supportive family, and what friends he did have - they've turned their backs on him too because of his actions and/or "issue". That's not my problem anymore, so why do I feel it is?

As I drive down the street, I approach a stop light. I glance into my rear view mirror and look at each child. They all seem so happy. I get lost in the moment of them singing along to the radio, talking to each other about school, and I feel blessed to have these three beautiful children in my life. Then, the guy honks his horn at me because the light changed. I continue my journey, hanging on to every word in this song that's playing. Isn't it weird when you are down, how much meaning a song has? Do the people in the cars that I'm passing feel this way? I finally make it to my destination. I don't want to get out, but the kids are already out of their seat belts and reaching for the door. The weather is perfect - it's not too hot, and not too cold, the sun is shining, and from the outside, everything seems so right. But, on the inside, everything seems to be falling apart.

My phone rings and the caller id shows up as "blocked". I know it's him. Part of me is curious of what he has to say, another part knows it's only crap that comes out of his mouth, and the other part of me can't stand to hear his voice. So, I find myself either watching it ring, or turning the ringer off and hiding my phone.

Is this normal? Is something wrong with me? I just want to run away. I want to take the kids and go far, far away and start over. A new life where we know no one, and they don't know us. Besides my mom, there's really no other reason to stay here. Of course I have some family and friends that I would hate to leave behind who I dearly love, but I know we could always keep in touch and visit. My brother is expecting his first child, and with his wife being one of my best friends, that would be another reason to stay - my new niece or nephew.

This feeling of being "trapped" sucks!!! Will it ever end? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Whatever is going on, I hate it!!! Here I sit now, finally drowning myself in tears. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I'm embarrassed with life. But, I am damn good at putting my happy face on and braving through this for my children's sake. What will happen? Where will we be in 5 years? 10 years? Can I protect these kids from monsters like their father? I question my faith, along with my self. It's so hard!!!! I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I sure hope it's a little brighter than today!!

God Bless and Much Love!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Figuring It Out After the Storm

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. There's never a dull moment in this household. Our weekend skated through without a hitch. My Dad's surgery went well and he's back at home recovering. We have a feeling that he'll be out jumping around like crazy before we know it.

During one of our visits, yesterday actually, at the hospital, Marissa was walking and the floor material shifted and down she went head first. This child had a good egg protruding from her forehead. It looked a lot worse then it really was. When the nurse came in to check on my dad, I asked her what she thought. She said as long as she's not sick and her pupils are the same, that we should be in good shape. It was a struggle to keep ice on it, but this morning the swelling went down and is just a big shiny bruise. I guess someone better check the floor and make sure its OK after that hard head hit it. Lol!

Casie's soccer game was adorable. These kids, even though they are only Kindergartners, they were really good. It was so cute to see how excited their little faces got when they made a good play.

Tommy has really come a long way with his school work this year. I notice him doing things that he wouldn't do before. When I got all excited and cheered him on, it obviously wasn't so cool. So, this morning when I saw him holding his pencil the right way, I refrained myself and just watched in amazement. His teacher is so awesome and is really making a difference.

This morning we attended church where my father goes because there was a mass being offered in memory of my Great Uncle. And I am happy to say, my kids were well behaved and no skin was shown! It was also so sweet to see them and their cousin take up the gifts as a group. That was one of my prouder moments, especially compared to last week's episode. (LOL!!)

Today has been kind of a chill out day. It makes things so much easier the next morning, when we have things laid out and ready to go.

Brent stopped calling, thank goodness. I don't know what his problem is. Isn't there such thing as a friendly divorce?? Guess not! Or at least not in this situation. It's funny though how many people were so excited to hear of a marriage being final.

I have to admit though, I'm also filled with a lot of disappointment and anger towards the ones that were as useless as could be during this whole process. Guess it's time I learn how to deal with those feelings and let them go. It can only be self-destructive if I don't.

Learning to accept those people for who they are, who they've always been, and that it's them that has to live with being the selfish individuals they are. I understand that everyone has their own life, but when you know someone who you supposedly "love" is suffering - throw them a freakin' bone sometime. I just need to either stay away from them or accept them for the piece of shit I feel that they are!

Channeling and coping with feelings is a lot harder for me then anything. I pride myself in the fact that I'm always trying to do the right thing, I try to help others when I can, and I'm respectful towards people - no matter if I agree or disagree with their beliefs. Children learn from example and that's how I want my children to be. So, for me to teach them how to deal with disappointment in life, like this situation for example, I need to figure it out myself and just deal with it.

God Bless and Much Love!

Friday, September 21, 2012

The Big Bad Wolf is Calling

Whoa!!!! I guess I know someone who doesn't approve of the judge's order. Can you guess who??? Yep! Brent. He's blowing the phone up. Mr. Barney Bad ass wants to call, say what he wants, and hang up. The only thing I got from him is "There will be a large truck arriving in the middle of next week with everything from the garage in it. But, half that shit you requested is gone. Too bad!" I said, "It better be there, or back to the court we go." .... click, call disconnected. Oh, but wait .... ring, ring, ring .... Call from "The guy who's too much of a coward to show his caller id".

Me: "What?!?!"
Him: "You stole my Grandma's silver!"
Me: "Nobody wants your Grandma's fake ass silver."
Him: "The decree says you are liable for half the debt of the house .... prepare yourself, it will cost you $20k" [click, coward hangs up again]

This guy is a real nut. Addicted or not. He needs to be checked into a mental facility. Locked away and stow away the key. Phone is off for the night. Better yet, my number is going to have to be changed!!!! Then, adios amigos!!! Seriously, dude! This is his second divorce. Shouldn't he have this mastered by now? Some what of a pro?!?!

He tells all of these lies to his family. No wonder his brother's have to come to the Louisville court house from Michigan for court records. Go ahead! It's public record. It's your brother who shames the family name. And to think, I just thought they were nosey, pathetic people who had nothing better to do. I mean ... seriously, who does that?!?

I guess they are giving him grief over his grandma's silver. What I had, I returned to his attorney at the deposition, meaning a court reporter documented the exchange. Believe me when I say, I want nothing to do with him and that includes material possessions. He's the one that told me a long time ago, that on one of his crack binges he was looking to pawn anything and everything he could. When he attempted to sell the silver - they wouldn't offer much because it's only "STERLING SILVER". I get it, it's a sentimental thing and if it was me, I would want it too. Those kind of things are priceless and cannot be replaced. But, buddy you need to look elsewhere. I didn't take it NOR DO I WANT IT!!!! All of the other things of sentimental value, I gave to his one brother's wife. The silver was not included in that. Unlike him, I told the truth under oath! The truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.

I guess the roller coaster is kicking in now of emotions. Because he's angry and I'm just reassured of what a real piece of work he is!!! And rather annoyed. Here's the answers to the questions I'm getting:

Do I fear him? Of course I do. For some one to be that mentally unbalanced is capable of anything. Throw a crack pipe into the mix, and I'm sure you have a real monster on your hands.

Am I mad at him? Of course I am. I loved that guy with my whole heart, he took complete advantage of me, and broke it and our children's into a million tiny pieces.

Then, why do I run my mouth and call him a "coward" and names like that? Well, it's immature, yes! But, when I'm mad - that's what I do. Run my mouth. I guess it's a coping mechanism. I don't know.

Do I think if he's clean and sober, there's ever going to be a chance for us to reunite?!? HELL NO!!!! Not in this life time will I ever even consider such!

Do I still love him? I will always love him. He's the father of my children.

Do you think he'll ever get clean? I hope he does! But, I, personally, don't think he will ever get clean.

Do I miss him? I miss the man he used to be. But, certainly not this creep he is today!

What about his current girlfriend? I already know he's playing her like a deck of cards. Think about it - he did it to 2 wives, 6 children - the new "girl" isn't any different. The only thing she and the future ones are to him is an easy target to rob, steal from, and cheat on. Don't believe me, check back in six months and check their status. I actually feel sorry for them!

Does it bother you he changes girls so frequently? I could care less! Better them, then me.

Anyway, I'm out of here for the weekend. Have a good one. God Bless and Much Love! Check back Sunday night or Monday!

Big Announcement

I believe an identity crisis is also what I suffered. From dying my hair from light blond, to dark blond, brown, and then black - I eventually took my ponytail and some scissors and gave it a chop. After I did, I wasn't sure why I did. But, I guess I felt a happy median in the finished product. I guess that is, until next weekend, huh?!?

It was surprising to see that the simple "google" search for "why do girls change their hair after a breakup" came back with 11,900,000 results. I mean think about it, there was that shocking Brittney Spears episode when she shaved her head for the world to see. Now I didn't go to that extreme, or anything, but I did feel a strong desire for change. In some of my findings, it says a reason for that is to get back at your ex. That's not that case. Brent never really cared what I did to my hair, so that wouldn't really do anything to "get back". Another reason was, since one can't change the life situation, you can with your hair and move on. But, that sounds kind of silly. Although, you could look at it from the standpoint of maybe you could be a different person then you were with that guy. I guess. But, none of it really makes sense to me. But, yet I fell in that category for sure and it didn't "change", "help", or "escape" in anyway. Who would have thought, though, that one phone call could have changed it all?!?

My lawyer called me yesterday, I picked up the phone and said "So, am I a divorced woman now?". Her laugh was reassuring and her voice was kind, "Yes honey - you are." The judge made his ruling and effective on September 19, 2012, I am officially divorced. She went over some of the main points and then faxed over the documents. There it was in black and white. I always heard people say that when the whole thing is said and done, it's an emotional roller coaster like you've never experienced! My first thought was since I had just met with the priest about an annulment, I wanted to get him the information as soon as possible. My mom and I searched through some files to find my baptismal certificate, but to no avail. I called the church that performed this sacrament to request a copy and within a half an hour, the lady called back and told me it was ready for pick up. I was excited at that point, things were finally moving my way. It was about time to get Casie from school and after I got her, I made way to the other parish. I shared the information with both of my parents, and then asked them to not say anything until I could tell the others. Most importantly, my children. Even though they are young, they had a right to know. Tommy and Marissa didn't really understand. In fact, Marissa asked "So, does that mean we are going to get a new daddy?" I explained to them that they will only have one father and no one will ever take his spot. However, it's up to him to get better. And all we can do is pray and hope for the best. After I told them, there was some people that I really wanted to tell that really helped me through this process before I announced it "publicly".

Of course, my phone was blowing up from a "blocked" caller. Casie and I were laying in the bed reading. Which, by the way, she read her first book last night and we were so excited about!!!! Since the annoying phone calls, I turned my ringer off, but she saw it light up. Her big brown eyes looked over at me and she said "Mommy, that's my dad calling. I know because it says blocked. Can I pick it up?" Concerned, I hesitantly said "Casie you know he's breaking the law by calling us. He's not supposed to. But, if that's what you really want to do, go ahead!" She picked it up and from what I could hear, he sounded sober. Here's how the conversation went:

Casie: Hi Daddy!

Brent: Noodle? Is that you? Hey baby! How are you?

Casie: Good! Guess what I'm reading a book, do you want to hear?

Brent: Reading?!? Wow! That's good. Of course, go ahead. [She started reading him Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss] That's great, baby. Where's Mongo and Marissa? [Mongo is what he calls Tommy for some reason.]

Casie: They are taking naps. It's just me and mommy.

Brent: Can I talk to her?

Casie: [She giggled.] You know she won't want to.

Brent: Well ask her, if she says no that's OK.

[She asked, I said no.]

Casie: So, I talked to your mom the other day.

Brent: I know, she called and told me that she sent your brother and sister birthday cards.

Casie: I also heard you and Mommy are divorced.

Brent: That's between your mom and I.

Casie: Well, now my mom is getting a job and we are getting our own place - far, far away.

Brent: You mean around Granny's house?

Casie: Nope! Far, far away! [Then, she broke down and started crying. I encouraged her to talk about her feelings.] Daddy, I'm really sad that I only get to hear you and not see you. It makes me want to cry.

Brent: Baby, don't cry! I will see you sooner then you think. Everyday I'm getting better.

Casie: You've told me that before.

Brent: I promise, baby.

When she hung up, she rolled over in my arms. We both started crying. I said "Sweet baby, please don't take to heart what he's saying. He's a sick man and sometimes can't fill his promises. All we can do is pray for him." There those big brown eyes looked up at me and said "I know, Mommy. I will probably never see him again. We have each other to get through this, and that's what family is for! But, I will pray for him - like I do every night. You know, the last thing he gave me was my Tinkerbell-Minnie Mouse stuffed animal. That's why I always sleep with it. Because it reminds me of him. When I hug it, I hope it's him."

To hear that, I can't explain how bad it hurt to see that sweet little girl suffer. She's wiser beyond her years, and has endured more then a 5 year old should! In a way, I'm glad she talked to him. It made me emotional. And if it did that to me, I hope it was a million times harder for him. Maybe that's what he needs to get clean. I don't know. Even after everything he did to me, I don't hate him, and for my children's sake, and the rest of his children, I hope he can pull through this and live a sober life.

This morning my father had surgery to have a knee replacement. It was kind of risky because he is a cancer patient and his blood count was extremely low. However, the doctors gave the thumbs up and everything went well. However, during the actual surgery, my mom, uncle, and sister were there. I was excited to tell my uncle, because him and his wife went with me to the trial, so I thought over breakfast was a good time to share my news. After I left the hospital, I reached out to the rest of my family and friends. And then finally broke the news via Facebook. A simple post of "OK, the cats out of the bag .... this girl is officially divorced!!! Bye-bye Brenty!!! Hello, the rest of my life!!!" is what I put. Within a couple of hours of posting it, it had 65 likes and a bunch of comments offering "congratulations" and support. It's amazing and feels good to have that love! Every comment, every like - makes me smile.

So, two things. The emotional roller coaster. I was so overcome by wanting the annulment, that it turned my attention to getting those papers submitted. Which, they were!!! But, I guess overall I don't really feel any different. This was so long in the making, that it was just another bridge to cross. And the other thing: the judge's ruling. Overall, I feel it was very fair. Here's a quick summary.

Findings of Fact, Conclusions of Law and Decree of Dissolution of Marriage

Motion for Continuance: On August 9, 2012 (the day of trial), Brent filed a motion to continue trial (meaning pass to a later date) because he had relapsed on his sobriety. This was not the first time! On a hearing for a motion that I filed to hold him in contempt, was originally scheduled for October 2011. It was postponed twice because Brent voluntarily checked himself into the hospital. The actual trial was originally scheduled in March 2012, but was postponed until May to give Brent more time to prepare. It was then continued until August at the request of my attorney. Since the whole case has been pending for more then three years and there was no legitimate reason that it has not concluded - motion was denied.

Statutory Proof: This basically went through the genetics of when we were married, when we were separated, that the marriage is irretrievably broken, our three minor children, and that I am not currently pregnant.

Stipulations and Agreements: This was what we agreed to prior to the record: Sole custody awarded to me, Brent can resume supervised visitation once he presents results from a hair follicle test, Brent can keep his boat, his summer cottage in Beulah, Michigan, his father's estate, his vehicle, and two financial accounts that are solely in his name.

Property Division: The Court orders that our marital home is to be sold and for Brent to keep current the mortgage, as well as the upkeep of the home. Both parties are to share equally in any profit or loss as a result of the sale. 

I can't touch his retirement.

The vehicles - since my parents gave me the Explorer, it's considered non-marital and I can retain the proceeds from the sale. The Acadia (that's the one I sold while he was hospitalized), it was considered marital property, but the proceeds were awarded to me as compensation for the personal property that was sold without my knowledge or consent.

Certain property/furniture that I requested from the home has been awarded to me and he has 15 days to return them.

Debt Allocation: There was apparently a loan that Brent took and secured with a lien on the Acadia. I knew nothing about it and never received a penny of it. I sold the vehicle without knowledge of this and assumed it was a clear title because of the inquiry through the county clerks office. Brent was requesting to the Courts that I remain liable for that loan. That motion was denied and he is solely responsible.

In February of 2011, Brent purchased me some jewelry from a local Jewelry store. He was requesting that there is an outstanding balance and again I should be liable for it, even though "it was a gift to me". Motion denied - Brent is responsible for that one as well.

Child Support, Tuition, and Related Contempt Motions: Because of the cost of Marissa's "sponsored dependent" (she was born after he "retired"), I need to investigate the availability of her  insurance.

I was awarded maintenance for 12 months.

And the child support is reduced to only the Social Security Benefits that my children receive from Brent's "disability". As far as the child support that he didn't pay from April -August and the portion of tuition that he agreed to for Tommy and Casie last year has not been paid. He is still responsible for it and held in contempt. He has to pay me within 30 days of the entry. If he fails, he will be sentenced to serve 180 days in jail.

Brent is responsible for 55% of any work-related childcare and extraordinary medical expenses.

The court cannot order parochial education unless the public schools are unable to meet the children's special needs. Therefore, I'm responsible for the tuition here on out. I knew that would happen. Just thought, just maybe, there might be a shred of dignity left in Brent and he would want to keep the children at their current school and assist with it. But, that's OK. I will take care of it.

That was basically the gist of the whole thing. Accordingly, it is hereby ordered and adjured that the marriage is dissolved!!!!!! All other pending motions denied. So, guess what that mean?!?!?! THIS BLOG MUST GO ON. Brent's motion to shut this site down, has been denied!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

There you go, I've shared my life with you. Now, it's time to pick up and move on. I hope you continue to follow me on this journey called life.

God Bless and Much Love!!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Codependency

I learned a lot today! And it's just now turning noon. Impressive, huh? First off, my annulment. Since Brent is not a Catholic and we didn't get married in the church - it's actually a very simple procedure. Once the divorce decree comes through, it's a matter of the priest filling out some forms. So, I'm excited for that!!!

The big thing I learned was "codependency". According to Wikipedia, Codependency (or codependence, interdependency ) is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

During my research of addiction, and classes through the 12 Step Program, including Alanon, this was always a big subject for people in similar situations as myself. However, today the priest really broke it down for me. The odds are for someone like me, that I am more likely to remarry another person with some type of addiction problem is extremely high. So, I'm thinking to myself "yeah right, I'll never do that again". But, until I can realize that I have a problem with codependency and acknowledge that I can't "fix" everything, I will fall in that category. Another scenario is my children, since they have a parent that is addicted, their number is higher because of two things, it's genetic and their sense of abandonment of not having a father's love. They will need something to fill that "pain" and due to a society full of drugs, it will happen. UNLESS, I can do all the footwork and learn everything I can about "codependency" and teach them these lessons, so that if they are ever faced with a situation like that, they will know how to handle it.

A lot of pressure on me, right? But, that's OK. I have three reasons why it HAS to work. Casie, Tommy, and Marissa. And besides them, myself.

So many people have asked me why I continue this blog and do I worry about what other's are thinking. That answer is simple. For so long, I didn't talk to anyone besides my mother. I was filed with shame and embarrassment, which eventually led to extreme depression and anxiety. When I finally got the courage to talk about it, I knew I had to help other's in the same boat as me. Therefore, that's why I started the blog. For the ones who wants to be negative and judge, then that's their right. That's who they are. Everyone has haters in life and if that's what they want to do - so be it. I don't need those people in my life anyway.

God Bless and Much Love!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Pisser

I have two dogs. The first one I got at a local pet store when she was 6 weeks old. She's a german shephard/jack russel terrier, her name is Terrace. When we purchased her, the whole liter was there and we were told that the mother was the german shephard (Yeah! Try to figure that one out.) My step-daughter named her, because at the time we lived in an apartment complex that was named "The Terraces). It was easy to pick her out of the liter, because out of all them she was unique. Her fur was different and she latched right on to us immediately.

The second one, I rescued from the Humane Society when he was about 6 weeks old. All I know is that he's some type of golden retriever mix. I went into a Feeder Supply to get dog food for Terrace and laid eyes on the most adorable puppy ever! I couldn't resist him and he was such a loving dog, it was appropriate that the Humane Society named him "Snuggles".

I purchased both of these dogs before I was married, so they have really been through a lot with me. The new home, the marriage, the children, the happy times, the hard times, and then the leaving. These animals were part of the family. Terrace never really forgave me for bringing home Snuggs, so he was more like "Brent's" dog and Snuggs was more mine. However, when I made the grueling decision to get out of that house, I had to do what was best for my children. My Dad does not like animals and made it clear that my children and I were welcome, but the dogs weren't. It was so heart breaking saying my good-byes to these dogs. We were so attached to them, but had no other choice.

Let's see, I left in September, so the following summer down the road, Brent called me to tell me I had to come get the dogs. He was leaving for Michigan and I would find them in the backyard. Since he made these threats before, I figured it was a tactic to get me out there. So, I didn't go. However, I called the Metro Animal Services and told them what was said just in case. They told me that nothing could happen immediately, they would put a warning on the door and give him 24 hours to respond. If he doesn't respond by then, then they could take the next step. I was angry and even said "Lady, it's 105 dgrees outside. If he really goes to Michigan, these dogs will be dead within 24 hours." But, she explained that it was policy and there was nothing she could do.

So, off I went back to that freakin house to make sure my dogs were ok. On the ride there, I got a call from the neighbor who said that Terrace got out and was at their house. I explained the situation and they suggested that they keep her until Brent returns home and then would return her to him. I knew she was ok, but I was scared to death about Snuggs. He tends to scare people, so I knew if he got loose, no one would get him. My mom was driving and we pulled into the court. The first thing I did was ran around the back of the house and yelled his name. Out he came from behind the grill. He was so excited to see me and immediately ran out front and jumped in the car. We drove to the grocery store that was up the street and bought a bowl, water, and some food. To describe this poor thing, it will not do it justice to what it actually looked like. But, to give you an idea, you could literally count every bone in his body. He was malnutrioned and very scared. My mom and I were literally in tears at the sight.

We knew that he couldn't go back, so we took him to Feeders Supply and got him cleaned up and when we got back home, there my Dad stood. Even he was saddened by how this dog was treated and agreed to let us keep him. I called the neighbor back and asked how Terrace's health was. The lady was really sweet and said, "She's fine, other then her claws need serious trimming." At that point, I figured that was Brent's nasty ass ways to get back at me by trying to hurt my dog. Since Terrace was fine, and I didn't want to push my luck with my Dad, I had to come to terms that I wouldn't be able to keep her.

Snuggies improved. I took him to the vet, caught him up on all of his shots and he was on the road to recovery. It took awhile, but he was able to gain back the weight and is very healthy again. The only problem is - he's fine outside our house with strangers, but if some one comes any where near our home that he doesn't know - he's going to make himself known for sure!

So, it wasn't long after I got my puppy back, my mom got a call from Brent. He was claiming that Terrace was suffering from "seperation anxiety" and doesn't eat, sleep, or do anything and that he wanted the big dog back. There was no way in hell that THAT would happen.

A few days after that, Brent was off to a local hospital for one of his many frequent visits, that specialized in dealing with addiction and his bipolar. (On a side note, I later found out that his frequent visits was because he found a lady in there that eventually got into a relationship with.) Anyway, he gave my mom the keys to the house and asked her to take care of Terrace.

That day, she went there and literally walked back out. It was so nasty in there, that she literally got sick. The dog had been pooping and peeing all over that house for what seemed to be months. I had no other choice, then to go in there and dog-nap my dog back. Same routing, took her to Feeder Supply, cleaned her up, and brought her home. My Dad was very firm that she wasn't going to stay. He couldn't handle two, but she could stay until I found her a good home. I tried, I really did. But, after a few days he saw how much the children loved her and gave in once again. So, now I have both of my dogs.

Here's the problem, Terrace is starting to pee around THIS house. Between my mom and I, we are cleaning carpets every time we see it, making sure both dogs are out on frequent potty breaks throughout the day, and googled what to do to stop this. We've tried everything. Just when we thought she's good and won't do it again .... there it is. Same spot, everytime. The Vet seems to think it's just a territory thing, but really didn't offer anything new then what we already do. Obviously, we have to keep this away from my dad or Terrace is out. It's not every day that it happens, but maybe at least once a month. It's gross! But, I have to find a way to "re-train" her. She's now 9 years old (in human years, I don't know how to do that dog year shit). But, I'm considering to buy a crate and put her in it at night. That's when I think she does it. I just hate to do that because she hasn't been in one of those since she was a puppy. Both dogs are "fixed" and I know it's her, because it's a small area (Snuggs would be way bigger.) What should I do?!?! Please send me some suggestions to stop the "Pisser" from doing her thing! I can't get rid of her again. Not to mention, she finally forgave me about Snuggs and is so loving towards me again.

God Bless and Much Love!!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Still Steadily Running That Mouth

It's time to eat my words .... guess what arrived in the mail yesterday??? Birthday cards for Tommy and Marissa from their other Grandma (Brent's mom). I'm really glad she did that. I was convinced she only acknowledged Casie's birthday and I was so relieved to see two cards in the mail (even though Tommy's birthday was in April). For my children's sake, I really hope she reaches out to my kids and forms a relationship with them before it's too late.

I had the kids call her to thank her for the card and most of the conversation went well until she asked Marissa how her mom and dad are doing. She said "good" Then, she asked, "do you see your dad a lot?" and Marissa said "yes". Casie grabbed the phone from her and said "We don't see our dad at all." And her Grandma said "Well, that's weird. I thought the judge said your mom was supposed to let that happen." Seriously??!? Why would you say that to a child??? Casie handled it well and said "Well, I gotta go. Love you. Bye!" Then, she asked to speak to my mom.

Most of that conversation was about the kids and how they are doing in school, then it was small talk about how each other was doing. Grant it, the poor lady only knows what her son is telling her. Maybe she doesn't know that every time he moves his mouth, another lie shoots out. I kind of feel sorry for her. She's actually not in the very best of health and her ignorant son isn't helping the situation at all.

Speaking of him, I kept getting an invite to Zoosk. Curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to see what it was. Apparently, it's a dating site. Not only did Brent request to add me, but so did his alias name "Bob Jones". Really? What's that all about?

That jerk still continues to call from a blocked call. For some one to claim they are so tuff, he sure does a lot of hiding behind caller id and unverified text. If he has balls to continue to break the domestic violence order (DVO), why hide?!? Maybe his berries aren't as big as he thinks. Just saying.

Let's just say a "reliable" source told me that Brent claimed I never did any of the house work, never cooked, never took care of the children and that it was him who would wake up and do the late night feedings, and how I never gave him any attention. Come on! The funny thing is, he told me the same thing about his ex. So, let's clear this up right now. First off, to this day he has never given the children a bath NOR has EVER been left alone with them. I never wanted to wake him up in the middle of the night, because I didn't want to disturb his sleep to maintain a balance with his bipolar disorder. Therefore, when it comes to the children - another lie from him. They know who does "everything", and that's really all that matters to me. House work? Are we really going there? I always had cookouts and people over, I guarantee if you ask any of them what the house looked like, they would all say clean and in order. Odds are, if you walk in that house right now, you would be able to clarify that response. Cooking?!? I love to cook, and since I left him I've actually learned to grill too! Now I will give him credit, when Brent cooked - it was good. But, getting him off his lazy ass was always a different story. I remember going to our Primary Care Physician one time and straight up asked her, "I thought crack heads were active?!? He doesn't cook, clean, or do anything!" And not that it really matters, but giving him attention? I felt like I had 4 kids when he was in my life. I made sure his medication was taken, diet followed, appointments made, I took care of the children, house and bills, laid his clothes out, sewed stuff that needed repairs, cleaned his credit report, and blah, blah, blah. But, most importantly, I was faithful! Don't mean to toot my own horn on being a good wife, but toot-toot-magoots! I WAS!

It really doesn't bother me that he talks crap about me. It just shows where his mind lays. But, for the one that's reading this and has dated, or considering dating him. Prepare yourself. The dude is like a broken record and as my former brother-in-law once told me, "history repeats itself". So, there's your warning! For a person to do this to two wives and six children - you aren't different, and you're not going to change him. But, by all means - have at it.

Life improves every day. Sure, it's like a roller coaster - you never know when you have your up's and down's. But, I've come a long way and can actually feel myself able to let go a little more each day. And I find myself actually laughing more. The nightmares aren't happening as often as they used to. And learning to handle stressful situations is becoming a little easier (minus the church episode the other day - lol).


It does get easier. Of course, I'll probably always be "damaged goods" from this whole traumatic experience and it will take a real man to break my walls down. But, I haven't given up on love. And I hope that one day, I can find true happiness and know what a real marriage is like. If you are reading this and have found that in your partner, know how blessed you are and be sure to let him/her know as well.

God Bless and Much Love!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Flying Solo

Today, we reached the 16,000 mark on hits!!! Yay!!!

So, yesterday ..... where do I begin?!?!?

We woke up early and I made breakfast for the kids, they had their baths/showers, and off to church we went. Things were going so well, I should have known something was up. At mass, my children do what's called the "children's mass" and they are gone for about a half an hour. During that time is when I can find some inner peace and really dedicate that time to my faith.

However, upon their return - that inner peace was out the window! Marissa kept making this noise. I tried everything to get her to stop, but nothing was working. I bent over to offer some sort of bribery (which I normally don't do, but I was desperate) and Tommy yanked my pants down. Yes! In church, everyone that sat behind me saw my freakin' bare butt! I turned around to make sure it wasn't anyone I know and all I saw was this lady laughing hysterically. I don't blame her, I would have been too. BUT, being on the other side - I WAS MORTIFIED!!! At this point, I was threatening these kids to behave. Poor Casie didn't want to feel left out, so she started. Normally, my mom goes with me, but yesterday I was flying solo and going absolutely nuts!!! One of the other mother's turned around and said something with a big smile, but I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't really tell what she was saying. I'm sure it was some words of encouragement, or maybe she could tell my blood pressure was through the roof. Marissa's teacher even turned to try to help and offer paper and pencils. Before I was a parent, I remember thinking "I will never be like that" or "I'll never let me kids ...". Well, guess what?!?! I ate those freakin' words today.

Later that afternoon, my family was getting together to celebrate the "September" birthday's and I knew that I needed to go to the grocery. I called my mom with a desperate plea to go with me after leaving church early, explaining everything that took place. She was dying laughing about the "butt" thing and offered for me to drop the kids off with her for me to run my errands in peace. Which, I gladly accepted her offer.

The rest of the day went off without a hitch and I was able to enjoy some family time. But, I guarantee, that trip to the grocery was what I needed to chill out. Of course, my mom gave the kids the "talk" and they listened. When I walked in the door, I heard a lot of "I'm sorry, mommy". My response was "Thank you, but sorry doesn't mean anything if your actions don't change." We will see.

At bed time, we have a normal routine on school nights to get everything ready and laid out for the next morning. Casie couldn't find her glasses. We literally tore the house apart looking for them with no luck. When their bedtime approached, I had no other choice then to send them to bed and hoped for a miracle. Once they were all asleep, I finally broke down. I was a sobbing mess! All I could think was how in the world am I going to replace these glasses? I know the kid can't see and has to wear them at school. Since, my sperm donor (aka, the children's "father") hasn't paid child support since March, things have been very tight and most of my money is spoken for through the tuition. The insurance only pays for one pair, one time a year, so I didn't know what to do. At some point, you just have to let go and hope for the best. And that's what I did. Luckily, I was able to fall asleep.

This morning I woke up and guess what I found? Casie's glasses! Maybe my prayers were answered!I've always been told that God only gives you what you can handle. After yesterday, I couldn't help but wonder if he knows what he's doing. I'm not that strong and not sure I can take much more! Maybe he does, I've made it this far and I'm not giving up now!

So, if you're reading this and feel like I do, hang in there - it has to get better, right?!?!

God Bless and Much Love!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Can He Ruin Marissa's Birthday?!?!

Whoa! What a busy weekend!!! Friday was my baby's (Marissa) third birthday. My parents and I took cupcakes into the school to celebrate and that night some family came over to celebrate. She was so excited and had a great day.

Thank goodness though she's not old enough to realize what her ignorant father did. In one of his rages of blowing my phone up in the past, I told him that there is nothing that states he can't send the children anything. And that I highly recommended him to do so. Even told him, "Marissa's birthday is September 14th - send her a gift!" Obviously, he's not with his old girlfriend because she made sure that Casie and Tommy had a gift. Even if they sent Tommy's gift through some one else. My children thought it was from their dad and was happy with that. Marissa got nothing! Here's some of the text pages I received, not to forget about the 500 "blocked" calls and the fake caller id ones.

At 3:09pm
"Answer ur phone if you want the $9k for the kids. If you don't then so be it. I tried. A O Word Up."
[I didn't respond, but what I'm assuming this means is that if I answer his call, which I don't want to NOR am suppose to, he would give me $9k towards the children's tuition for this year. Yeah right! We went to trial, the judge will decide that, dip shit! Not you! And that A O Word Up .... he says I'm ghetto and that's what he would say. I don't get it, maybe it's supposed to hurt me. But, whatever. It doesn't. Just makes him still look like the douche bag that he continues to be.]

At 5:57pm
"On our daughter's birthday. UR sick. Remember it always comes back ur way in the end. So endith the lesson."
[This text is a clear sign that his brain is fried!! He's the one that chooses drugs, therefore it was the judge that ruled the children would be in danger around him. He had a chance in December 2011, from the judge, that if he wanted to see them, he would need to pass a drug test and stay compliant with his bipolar condition. He's the one that chose not to do so. Therefore, it is not my fault that he can't see them. And, it only makes it worse to let the children speak to him. Kind of like the "dangling the carrot in front of a rabbit" scenario. It's harder on the them to hear all his bull shit and when he doesn't follow through with anything, it starts the whole grieving process over. So, remember there big guy - it's not me that's sick!]

At 5:57pm
"Please have Marissa calls me so I can wish her happy bday. If not u get nothing. Thanks"
[I mean, come on. Seriously?!?! You're going there?!? Guess what?!? I don't get anything anyway. Especially since his dead beat ass hasn't paid child support since March. On the 25th of this month, that will be six months. Don't threaten me. I guess he hasn't noticed. Those empty threats don't affect me anymore. He better go on and use them on some one else that will listen.]

I didn't let that ruin our day. Marissa was showered with gifts and more importantly with love. And we didn't miss a beat.

Yesterday, was a blast too! My parents and some other family members took the kids to the country and I had a chance to have some "grown up" time. Being a single parent, you don't get an opportunity to take a bath in peace and quiet. Much less, take your time. It was everything I thought it would be. Then, I went to the mall - got a pedicure and some last minute items before I headed off to the game. My friends met up at my house and off we went to the University of Louisville game. It was a freakin' blast! The tailgating, the game, everything. It was so fun. I got home in time to go have dinner with my mom and babies. It was such a long day for all of us, we went straight home and crashed.

Today on looking back on the weekend, I can see how blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. Even for the ones that have been for a short time, or the ones I've known 4-ever - each of them holds a special place in my heart. I credit all those people, and especially my mother, for pulling me from this whole traumatizing experience and making me a stronger person today.

With that being said, God Bless and Much Love to all!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Bourbon Distilleries of the Bluegrass

I can not begin to tell you how excited I was last night. Tommy was playing with some kind of puzzle and about a half hour later, he said "look mama". I was in shock!! He made this puzzle into a perfect cube. It's nothing like that - it's just your normal flat puzzle. I don't know how he did it, but I was so proud of him!! His teacher that he has is so awesome. She told me that she would be working with him and I can already see a difference!!

The judge hasn't made a ruling, but I'm OK with that. Obviously, I want to put this all behind me, but since it's such a complicated case I can respect his time.

I'm so excited to have a girl's day out this weekend. These don't come often, so I'm going to take full advantage of it. It's going to be some of my children's friend's moms, which I've become friends with and they are all super cool and one of my dear cousin. Can't wait!

I've been doing a lot of packing around the house. It's crazy how much crap can get accumulated over such a short period of time. It's a great time to get rid of a lot of stuff and re-evaluate. As a single mother, I've really learned how to stretch a dollar. For example, my children are huge book reader's ... you can only read a story so many times. Instead of constantly picking it up after they got their use out of it, there's a half price bookstore that will give you cash for it - along with DVDs and Cd's. Granite, it's not that much, but every little bit helps. There's also a children's store that buys gently used clothes and toys. When they grow out of it, you can sell it and what they don't take donate. It's beneficial to both you and the person buying it, as well as the donation can be wrote off on taxes. Even if you don't get that much, you can at least look at it as it's junk out of your house that normally would be sitting around collecting dust. There's a lot of other ways to earn a little here and there, but I won't bore you with details.

If you aren't familiar with Kentucky, there is a lot to do around here. We house a lot of distilleries that will allow you to tour and see the different steps in creating some of the well known bourbons. Like, Maker's Mark, Woodford Reserve, Buffalo Trace, and Heaven Hill to name a few. The September 2010 issue of National Geographic Traveler includes the Kentucky Bourbon Trail in its "Drives of a Lifetime — The World's Greatest Scenic Routes". I have personally been to Maker's Mark and you actually get to dip your own bottle. Sounds dumb, but it's actually kind of cool! If you would like more information, I would definitely recommend this website to check out: Kentucky Bourbon Trail http://kybourbontrail.com/.

Anyway, I like to share this kind of information on my blog because there's so many different people from all over the globe reading it and I would like them to know how special our state is! With that being said, God Bless and Much Love!

Facebook Page

I'm trying to branch out on Facebook. If you are on there, be sure to look up "Surviving a Loved One's Addiction" and Like. This will be a spot to get the most up-to-date information, as well as a place to make suggestions on "discussion topics".  I'm looking forward to hearing from each of you.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Coping With Kindergarten

What is normal behavior when a child starts Kindergarten? What should be of concern? Casie was in pre-school for two years and there was never any "issues" from teachers with her. She's a very kind hearted girl who respects other's for who they are. I've never heard her be rude to other children (not including her siblings), and she goes out of her way to make other's smile. That's who she is!

However, she's having a hard time staying focused and has raised concern with her teacher as being chatty in class. But, last night took the cake. We were invited out to dinner with my parents and before the food arrived, Casie threw the biggest fit. I'm talking stomping feet, running her mouth, and making a scene. My immediate reaction was to pick her up and take her outside. Once we were out there, I waited for her to chill out and then asked her what was up. I was asking questions like is something going on at school? Are you tired? Did something happen? Do you have too much going on? But, she had this look on her face .... like, seriously, if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here right now, and I wasn't getting anything out of her. The whole thing was SO embarrassing!! So, I sat out there with her for about 5 minutes in silence. Once that "look" went aways and I knew she was calm, we went back in and joined the rest of the party.

On our way home from the restaurant, I started to talk to her about what took place. Both of us were calm at that point and it made it easier to explain what she did was unacceptable and how she could cope with her feelings in a more appropriate way.

I'm starting to feel like a lost ship at sea. Why can't children come with directions or something?!?!There's two other mother's from the school that I became friends with and they always offer suggestions or even just hear me out. Sometimes it helps sharing these stories to other's who can really relate. I hope they know how much our little talks help me!! My concerns grew stronger then just last night's episode. I can't help but wonder if she's still making the transition from half day to all day. I did my usual "google" search and came across some pointers that would be helpful with any child and thought I would share. It's from disneyfamily.com under "First Day Blues at Kindergarten":

  • Convey a positive attitude about school.
  • Make transportation plans clear to the child.
  • Create a normal routine atmosphere at home.
  • Give your child free playtime at home after school.
  • Plan your day so that you can spend time with your child when he or she returns from school.
  • Help your child cope with the occasional frustrations and disappointments in school.
  • Remember that learning to like school and liking to learn are closely related.
  • Avoid comparing this child's school experience with how siblings did when they began at school.
  • Think of yourself as a coach who supports and facilitates your child's healthy development in school.

Maybe since she's my first, all of this is new to me and I'm learning myself. Maybe by the time the next one comes along, I will know that this is normal and have a better way to approach it. In the meantime, it's a work in progress .... and I'm along for the ride.

God Bless and Much Love!!!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Ghost Stories

I remember as a child making the move from the only house I ever knew to the one my parents still reside in to this day. It was the summer before I started the second grade. The children in the new neighborhood were so different, yet they all shared the same concern. They each told how the area was very haunted. Some claimed that it was Indian burial grounds, other's told a story how you can't walk down the ally on the night of Halloween, and then there was a story about an old farm house that's still standing. When I started to get freaked out about it, my parents always reassured us that it was nothing. However, when my oldest sister got a job at a nursing home in the area - some truth started to come out about these tales.

When I go down that street and pass that old farm house, I'm very intrigued to know more about it. So, I started my search. There was very limited details of it, so it was hard to get going. But, I remembered about five years ago I purchased a book called "The Encyclopedia of Louisville". Inside this book, there was an article that explained what happened in this home. That was a good jump start and finally the information started to flow.

Apparently, this house was originally built in 1830's by an early Jefferson County landowner. When he passed, he left the property to his son, Albert Herr, who rebuilt the home in 1877. The son was a very successful farmer who raised cattle, trotting horses and sheep. His home was called "Magnolia Stock Farm". Not only was he a successful farmer, but he was also the lead in developing roadways through this county. He eventually got married and had five children.

On April 15, 1891, his daughter was married on the property and had a guest list that consisted of people throughout the city and surrounding counties. After the ceremony, the guests were treated to a  meal. Back in those days, it was accustomed to have mushrooms, ice cream, cake, and chicken salad. Once the meal was completed, the couple left for Cincinnati where they would board a train bound for Niagara Falls.

Food poisoning wasn't very common back then and it is believed that the chicken salad was made 48 hours before the wedding and sat at room temperature until it was served. Therefore, 65-70 attendees of the wedding fell very ill.

The Louisville newspaper, "The Critic", started to report on the conditions daily of individuals that were affected, and even the ones that resulted in death. Apparently, the couple made it to Cincinnati where they fell sick also and had to check in to an upscale hotel where they were treated. The saddest news of all came on April 30 (16 days after the wedding), the groom died.

This house is still standing and it's absolutely beautiful. In the picture that I found in the Encyclopedia of Louisville, not much has changed except the grounds. One of the main cross streets has been named after the family and the rest of the area has been subdivided into neighborhoods. However, throughout the streets, you will notice concrete posts that were from the original farm house.

I was so excited to find all of this information and can't wait to share this piece of history with my children when they are of a more appropriate age level. It's funny because I've never been interested in history at all. However, this was high up on my interest level. I guess my next search will be on those Indian burial grounds or the haunted ally. (smile)

So, I guess my point of this post is when you hear a rumor - do some research because there might be some truth to it. God Bless and Much Love.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Comment from Sunny Florida

Here's a comment I received from Pat. I would like to thank him for this message. Anytime I receive a comment from a reader, I'm so grateful. It helps me see another view and gives me an opportunity to improve on my writing skills. His message is in black and my response is in parenthesis in blue.

pats4real (http://pats4real.livejournal.com/) has left a new comment on your post "I Passed!! Bring on the next one!!":

I like your blog. Very informative. (Awww! That's so sweet! Thank you!)  I think you need to be more objective than subjective though. what I mean is this just seems to one sided to believe everything. For instance I do not see where the above comment is blogged. (Sorry for the confusion. This message was not posted to my blog (other then me copying and pasting. It was actually posted on another website.) Might be my error though not being that Internet literate. You didn't answer the question though. Do you have a degree or not ? (No, I do not have a degree. I'm currently working on my Associate of Science in Justice and Public Safety degree.) There is a big difference between being a student and obtaining a degree let alone multiple degrees. I see in your latest post that you just finished a final exam. For what type of degree. Associates, Bachelor, Masters etc... Do you have any professional training or background in areas of mental health or addiction ? (Not professional, but a lot of personal.)  Sounds like you both need some help here. (You are right! I had to not only seek medical help, but also spiritual guidance. I feel that I have come a really long way, as was stated in previous posts.)  I will stay tuned in but please be clear about information you state as fact. (I will work on that. Thanks for the suggestion. However, on stuff that I claim as fact - it can be easily verified. However, 99% of my blog is based on my opinion of the events that has taken place this far.) Some of it just seems a little far fetched for an educated couple that you both seem to be. As a father I could not have imagined not being able to see my children as they grew up. I am sure this must be very difficult for him, issues aside or not. (You would think, but I'm really not sure how it effects him. If it was me, I would do whatever it took to be in my children's life.) For you as a mother this must be gut wrenching knowing you have to be both parents. (At times, it's overwhelming, but I'm confident that I can do it!)  My opinion is that you are both wrong. You for not supporting him to stay clean and him for not being stand up parent. (I supported him for one year after I found out about his drug use, and that's after the fact that I walked in on him and some woman in my house. I cannot support him, when he doesn't want the help. I tried everything in my power, but when I found out that my children may be in danger is the second I stopped supporting him! You never know what you will do until you are faced with the situation. It's easy to say what should or shouldn't happen. Believe me, I learned a lot about "true friend/family" over this course of this period. However, if I knew he hit rock bottom and really wanted the help, I would help him! Hands down, I really am his biggest fan! Until then, there is nothing I can do.)  I think you both should put your heads together and work as parents for your children as they are in probably the most important years of their lives. CC do you really not want them to know their father no matter what his mistakes are ? (Truthfully, yes! I believe a father is very, very important in a child's life. But, until he can get straight - no I don't want him around them. I don't want them to see him like that, but more importantly I'm terrified for them to be around him. But, at this point, it's not up to me. It was the judge who ruled the children would be in serious danger around him and that's why his visitation was rescinded.) Brent if what CC has written in this blog is really factual what is wrong with you. You are obviously an educated man. (I can't speak for him, but I will confirm what you are saying - he is very well educated man!)

You both need to support each other as parents so your children don't continue to pay the price for both of your differences.

I am lucky as I re-married my wife, the mother of my children after we divorced. Maybe both of you should consider the same as you both need support albeit for different problems. (Congratulations! I love to hear stories of true love actually working out. You are very blessed! However, this is not in the cards for Brent and I. There is no way we will ever work out. Too many deep, deep scars there, along with a lack of trust. I love him for the fact that he's my children's father, but that's it. There's nothing left between us emotionally or romantically.)

Good luck to both of you from sunny FL.


Again, thanks for the comment! Please, any one, feel free to leave more comments. I will feature all of them - good or bad and respond to each. God Bless to all and much love.