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Monday, September 23, 2013

Consumption

Consumption. What does it mean? What does it do? I guess it depends on how you look at it. If you google it, it will give you two definitions: (1) the using up of a resource; (2) a wasting disease. From that perspective, Brent and I are both consumed in our current life situations. Let's take these two definitions and place them into two separate entities.

Given that information, I feel #1 would describe myself. Everyday, my life is consumed of my children's needs and well being. I provide parochial school education for them in hopes they will reap the benefits of a successful future. Every penny that goes into that tuition, I struggle, but despite the fact their father refuses to assist - I will do everything to make sure they are getting the foundation they deserve. Don't get me wrong, I'm not discrediting public schools in any fashion, however this is where my children started off. When the rest of our lives were crumbling down I felt it was important to remain consistent and familiar. That way we had something to build on. Education is one of the top priorities, obviously with their health and happiness being first. I also feel that being active is up there as well. I'm proud of the fact that my children are interested in playing sports and involved in other school functions. This is promoting their character and who they are and will become.

They are my life. I don't date, I barely go out, and when it comes down to it. I'm ok with that. Hanging with my children is awesome - they are fun and they definitely keep me busy. Other distractions at this time are just not in the cards. When someone hurts you as deeply as Brent did, it's hard to trust again.

In my opinion, Brent falls in category #2. He is consumed with wasting his education, career, livelihood, and everything else on a wasting disease called addiction.

When I found out that the children were no longer covered under any type of medical plan, my whole life was consumed with getting that problem resolved immediately. Therefore, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Whenever I blog, Brent somehow is notified. I'm guessing that he is a follower of it and therefore receives notifications via email and/or text. Of course, he blew up! I started receiving harassing emails from him, or should I say his "friends" and it wasn't long before the phone calls started. Normally, I ignore the calls, but I figured this might be the opportunity to resolve the matter at hand. I answered. At first he seemed sincere and genuinely cared. His attitude started to quickly shift, so I told him that although there is a Domestic Violence Order prohibiting any communication, we could discuss plans to render this via email and ONLY through email. That way everything is documented.

I should have known better!!!!

He ranted and raved about how he lives a very private life and doesn't believe in this public light I'm putting in the picture with the blog. I can respect that and even considered stopping once more in hopes that we might actually be able to put the hatred aside and work constructively to benefit our children. Then, he went on saying that he was working with some sort of doctor to be able to integrate back into the children's life. Whoa! What?!? It's obvious he is not clean and sober, because he is still shooting one lie off after another. I believe that both parents are very critical in a child's life. However, when one of those parents is an addict who can't even take care of their own self - it's not in the best interest to bring that into a developing child's life. Then, he started his normal rhetoric and deception. Sometimes I feel this person is a heartless human being. Maybe he's the devil himself. And when I finally had enough, I responded back to his email that said "Dude, you are a complete moron - do not call, text, or email me EVER!" In reality, I was the moron who actually thought I would be able to work with this imbecile. I should have known better.

Before I could block every outlet he had, he sent me the following message (keep in mind I cut and pasted from original message):
It is a simple you get you enjoy a lifetime of grief for two or three years of supposed heroism.
I get to enjoy a lifetime of honest gratitude for a few years of shame.
All your stories and lies. Don't know why or what you had to prove.
Sometimes life forces us in a direction that we ought to have found for ourselves.
Think about it as you are there in the mod area tomorrow.
It doesn't have to be that way. You still have a chance. I know.
Every choice has a price. Unfortunately you can't pay for yours.
Wanna take a ride !!!
Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android
What does that even mean? Is that a threat? Or is this one of his high on crack outburst? I blocked him and his "friends" email addresses. If I have to, I will change my number once more. My life will not be consumed with this type of behavior and I learned my lesson that he only cares about himself. He can continue to call me fat, uneducated, and whatever other hurtful thing he tries. But, his words are empty to me and I really don't care what anyone thinks of me, only my children. And besides that, the one thing he can NEVER say is that I'm a crack head, because that my friend, I will NEVER be!

To answer the question, what does consumption do? It's simple, it can either make you or break you. I chose to consume myself with positive things and let it make me.

God Bless and Much Love!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Court Orders

Here I am. Did you miss me? I was told to quit blogging, and to be honest I've been so busy that I really haven't had time too. But, I feel this is my outlet and that you've traveled this journey with me this far, I'm not going to let you down now.

What is a court order? And why aren't they enforced? When I googled it, it states that a "court order is a direction issued by a court or judge requiring a person to do or not do something". It doesn't stipulate that if you are a mentally unstable, crack head that it doesn't apply to you. So, let's put yourself in my shoes for a minute and see things from my perspective.

Things have been extremely busy with getting the children back into the swing of things and used to a constantly changing schedule. From school, sports, and extra curricular activities our time is booked from the time we get up until we go to bed. And in that time (and in between then), I am handling all of that plus being both of the parents. Although it's hard, it's very rewarding. My children inspire me every day and there is no greater love or stronger bond.

They haven't seen their father since December 2010. I mean, seriously, what a loser. Since my last post, the same things occur - his fictitious emails where he portrays himself as one of his friends/girlfriends, he's located my new cell phone number that I've changed on numerous occasions to avoid him, therefore the "blocked" calls and ridiculous text, and so on and so on. But, the story took an interesting twist. Drugs have officially consumed his whole life. His latest stint consist of bankruptcy where he was given 90 days to evacuate the home. It is now listed on the market for sale.

Ironic, isn't it? Sometimes KARMA has a way of putting her 2 cents in. You see, it's been 3 years when I left in the middle of the night with my kids to escape him and his dangerous ways.  During that three years, he could have cared less that his children didn't have a home to call their own. Don't get me wrong, we are so appreciative that we had a real family to help us through and take us in. I wonder if he will have the same support.

But, the thing that really irks me is the lack of concern and care that he has for the innocent lives he created. According to our divorce decree, he is supposed to carry the children on an insurance plan from his previous employer. He told me that if I went through with the divorce, they would never be covered. I spent so much time fighting this and my children ended up on state insurance. And between the attorneys, they thought this was a suitable situation. Of course, Brent lied through the whole thing acting like it was one big misunderstanding. Yet, it still hasn't been resolved. Eventually, I was asked by the local agency to supply documentation stating the children were no longer covered by the previous insurance carrier. I called the insurance company, they told me that the company Brent used to work for had a rep that I needed to deal with, when I called that rep I was told they cannot release any information without crack daddy's consent. I argued that I was calling about 3 children that I had sole custody over that he has no rights too and that I wasn't wanting health information - I have all of that, I just needed something that stated they were no longer covered. They still refused. I gave the state worker what information I could and was told it was accepted.

Casie ended up getting hurt that required emergency room care and at that point, I was told the children lost coverage effective 8/1/13. Seriously?????? The bills started coming in, so I forwarded them to the attorney.

I'm still left wondering, what is the point of a court order? Especially when it is not enforced. Looking forward to seeing how this plays out.

I will keep you posted. Hope all is well with you and I will start blogging more frequently!!!!!

God Bless and Much Love

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Questions

Have you ever really wondered what is your main reason of being? Is it to be successful in your career? Is it to raise a family? To help others? Excel in education? That question really lingers in my brain lately. What is my purpose?

As the week started, I found myself down in the dumps. So much to process, but questions weren't being answered, or maybe just not to my satisfaction. Things actually did fall into place. I called my attorney to see how the case is moving. Motions have been filed to hold Brent accountable for canceling the children's insurance, failure to pay maintenance payments, and failure to return my personal property. I was baffled that this hasn't already happened. Talks with his attorney seem pointless. I guess that's an attorney's way to drag out a case to make more money. Or maybe it isn't that attorney at all, maybe it's Brent. Who knows, who cares. I'm glad it's finally freaking moving in the right direction. The competency hearing was passed off to April, so there's still no end to that. I guess that's how our lovely justice system works. Personally, I was hoping they would lock him away and throw away the key. But, hey ... who am I?

My oldest child celebrated her 6th birthday. We had a good time with family, although she won't be having a "friend" birthday party - she had a great time and enjoyed being amongst the people who love her the most.

I've started to be able to go out more often these days. I went to the Kid Rock concert with some pretty awesome people. We had a blast! I've been really taking friends up on their offers and forcing myself to get out. Last night I went out with a bunch of near and dear friends. Oh my gosh, some things I just can't blog about. But, I can tell you this ... my stomach still hurts from laughing. My hesitation of going out definitely fades as soon as I'm actually out. But, it's overcoming that initial reaction.

However, it still brings me to the burning question, what's my deal? I love being a mother, although it is by far the hardest job ever, I enjoy being with my children. My blog, to me, is successful. Every time I make a post, the hits are consistent. I love my career path and feel I'm learning a lot. There's been talks about possibly relocating out of state. That might be our chance to really start fresh, but is that what we really need to do?!?! School could be a lot better. However, I guess I'm burned out. I don't seem to really care about it like I should! My personal presentation is slowly improving, when I weighed in this morning, I was down 18 pounds. I'm debt free, other then my car. So, what's with the doom and gloom feeling? Is this normal? Is something wrong? What can I do to make a change?

This weekend is extremely busy, plus it's finals week. But, I think it's important that I need to set some time aside and re-evaluate my goals. Maybe I will be able to find some answers and understand this path I'm taking.

God Bless and Much Love!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Operation Tommy

Being a parent of multiple children, it's always important to get in that one on one time with each child. As a single parent, this can be extremely difficult. However, my kids can't wait for their day. It's their time to pick what we do, where we eat, and where we go. Casie loves to sing, so it was only appropriate that when her day comes, she runs around and sings "It's Casie and Mommy day today!". It wasn't long before the other two picked it up. We do everything together all the time, so it's really special to have that one on one time!

With going back to work and school, it was hard to plan. And that one on one time, kind of got pushed to the back burner. This bothered me, more so than them. They were having fun, happy, healthy, and that's all that counted. But, I knew I needed to make sure we got back in that routine.

The work/school week started and we finally were able to make our plans. Friday was the Father/Daughter Dance and that's when Tommy and I were going to head out. Casie and Marissa were excited because their Grandpa and Uncle were taking them and they couldn't wait to show off their new dress and accessories. It would be a special night for all of us.

However, things took a dramatic turn. Tommy started throwing up, the next day it was followed by a fever. This child is normally full of energy, so we knew he must have really been sick because he was just laying around not being his self. The next afternoon, I was at work and got a call.

"CC, Tommy is acting really strange. He's hunched over complaining of his stomach." It was my mom. At first, I thought it was the stomach flu that had been going around his school, but something inside knew it was much more than that. Before I could say anything, she said, "I'm going to pick Casie up, I can meet you at the hospital with him."

I left work immediately and started making my way towards the hospital. The phone rang, it was her again. "I'm at the school - the battery is dead in the van and I'm stuck in this carpool line. Just come here."

By the time I got there, the lot was clear and AAA was replacing the battery. I picked up my little man, gave the girls a kiss, and headed to the hospital. My dad came there to help my mom, so it wasn't like I left her all alone.

Marissa stood inside the van crying, "I want to go with you, Mommy!"
"Not now baby, I'll be home real soon. We have to get our little Ty Ty better." and off I went.

We arrived at the hospital about 4pm. They immediately took him back and got a urine sample and took blood. The doctor came in and expressed concern regarding his appendix. He ordered an x-ray. When the results from that came in, he immediately walked in the room and said "We are going to go ahead and start the morphine. I've spoke to the surgeon at our downtown location and an ambulance will transport your son there for further testing."

He's only 4 years old, how can this be happening? His big blue eyes looked up and said "Am I going by myself?"

"No way, baby. I'll be here every step of the way. You can count on that!"
"I wish I had Super Bear!" he sadly said.

Super Bear came as a gift one year at Valentine's Day. It holds significant value to him and has been through everything with him. It's been washed so many times, and probably only has one eye, but none of that mattered, Tommy loves that bear. The nurse overheard the conversation and quickly stepped out of the room.

At that point, my mom, brother, sister, sister-in-law, niece, and my dear friend Gretchen were all right there at our side. They knew a million things were going through my head, so they were able to ask the questions I didn't think of. The nurse came back in and handed Tommy a bear. "Here you go sweetie, it's not Super Bear, but I'm sure he will help you out!"

My family made the arrangements to get my car home and everything in order, so that I could get in that ambulance and only worry about what was really important - my sweet baby boy. The EMT's were so sweet and promised him as soon as we arrived downtown, they would turn on the lights so he could see how cool their truck really was.

When we stepped out, one of the ladies said "Get your camera ready, Mom. If he has surgery, this will be one to put in the scrapbook." My hands were shaky and I felt comfort in their confidence that everything was going to be ok. So, I snapped the first shot ... my sweet baby with a big smile on his face. The lady said, "Here, scoot back here and get one with the ambulance in it." I'm glad she was thinking of these things, because I sure wasn't! As we walked in the door, I heard Tommy say something to the driver. He leaned down and said "What's that buddy?" And Tommy sheepishly said it again, "Thank you!"

We went inside the ER and Tommy was quickly approached my nurses doing their stuff and another one getting information from me. Soon, one of the surgeon's came in and started his exam. As he was telling me my child would be taken immediately into surgery, my brother opened the door and walked in. "They will only let one of us in at a time. Mom and Suzie are in the waiting room. Run out there - we grabbed you some food on the way down here. I'll sit with Tommy." Hesitantly, I knew he was right, so I literally ran out there and ate the food in probably less than 5 seconds and ran right back to the room."

The surgeon came in and said "Gather your belongings and follow us upstairs." This was all happening so quickly. My sweet baby laid in a fetal position crying, and I was terrified of what was to come. We were taken to a room where we met the medical staff that was going to work on my child. His temperature spiked to 103.8(F) The lead surgeon pulled me aside and inquired about a Pediatrician.

"We don't have one right now, there's a problem with the insurance, and she refuses to see us until that's cleared up."

"What's the problem with the insurance?"

"My son's father canceled it. It's in the courts now and should be taken care of very soon."

"Well, don't worry about that right now. There's plenty of options out there that can assist. Now, is there a custody agreement? Is this the father?" (She glanced up at my brother.)

"No, that's my brother. His father lost his visitation rights over a year ago because of illegal drug use. He hasn't talked to them or seen them in this time. It's not my choice, it's a court order."

For a split second, I considered calling Brent. To some, this may have been an easy call, but it wasn't. I weighed out the pro's and con's, and felt the decision I was making was with my feelings towards the man put aside and based solely on my child's well being.  Tommy hasn't seen his father in so long, nor talked to him. I didn't have time to call my attorney and get advise, so I did what I thought was in the best interest of Tommy and did not notify Brent. Despite being the father, he's still a crack addict and mentally unstable. If the court's ruled he would be a danger to the children, this situation is no different.

"We will make note of that for his records, however, we will need a copy of that order in his file. Go ahead and give your hugs and kisses. The procedure will take about an hour and a half." She turned towards Tommy and picked up the bear, "Does your bear have a name?" His voice was weak, but he was able to respond "Fuzzy". A staff member quickly made note of that.

A nurse approached while the other's were saying their good lucks and said "I will be with him the entire time. I will call and keep you posted during the procedure. Before he goes to sleep, he will remember seeing you. When he comes to, the first person he will see is you - so it will be like you were there all along. This is one of best surgeon's and your child is in good hands."

I leaned over and kissed his head, "I love you so much buddy! You'll feel better really soon!" The poor thing couldn't talk, but looked up at me puckered his lips and blew me a kiss. As they started to wheel him out, I asked "Should I take his bear with me?"

The nurse smiled and said "No, Fuzzy is going to surgery with him."

Off we were taken to a waiting room. The tears were flowing like crazy and I was terrified of what was taking place. Thank God I had my family there. About a half hour later, the phone rang. I picked up and it was the nurse, "Ms. Lyons, this is Betty. The incision has been made and everything is going as planned. I will call you back when we are nearing the end." Her voice was friendly, but that was weird to hear. My baby was just cut open. It gave me the creeps. Time passed so slowly, but I was extremely grateful for the support I had surrounding me, not only in person, but through emails, phone calls, text, and Facebook messages. Everyone was praying and I knew the man upstairs was listening. About an hour later, the phone rang again ... I ran to it. "Ms. Lyons, this is Betty again. The doctor wanted me to let you know that Tommy's appendix did rupture and you need to make arrangements for him to stay with us for awhile."

My heart dropped. What did that mean? Is he ok? Is he out of surgery? So, many questions were going through my head, but nothing was coming out. And to be honest, I have no idea what she said after that, if I were to stay there or go to his room. I was terrified. I didn't know. The phone call was disconnected. So, I tried calling back. It seemed like these moments were moving so slow, yet so quickly. I glanced behind me and saw the surgeon and another doctor heading my way holding some papers. I quickly hung up the phone and gave them my undivided attention. In her hands, she handed me pictures of what took place in the operating room. She explained in great detail that his appendix ruptured and caused damage to his intestine/bowel. They believe that they were able to suck out all the bacteria and he would need to be on intravenous antibiotics every 6 hours. Depending on his progress, he could be here 7-10 days. However, if he moves along as expected possibly 3-5 days. She gave us his room number and told us to get settled in and he would be up shortly. However, their is a possibility of the pieces that weren't extracted from the rupture, could form abscesses.

I can't explain the sense of relief I got when I saw that stretcher round the corner into the room. All I wanted to do was hold him and tell him how much I love him! His eyes briefly opened and muttered with all his might, "hi mommy". My heart literally hurt for him. I would have did anything to take away his pain. He shouldn't suffer like this, he's just a baby. But, laying next to him was Fuzzy - he had a hospital bracelet on, just like Tommy, as well as a band aide on it's belly.

That night he slept and was pretty much out of it. He was hooked to a morphine pump and received Benedryl every time he received the antibiotics due to a rash that would appear. My mom spent the night at the hospital with us. I know it was hard on her, but she wanted to be there and knew she needed to be. Bless her heart, I hope she knows what a rock she is for me and the kids! I called my work and notified them of what was going on. They were super cool about it. My co-workers, even though we've only known each other a short while, have become so close and they were so supportive. Gretchen helped out with the girls in every way possible.

The next morning, breakfast arrived. Tommy ate a pancake, but quickly fell ill. You could see his stomach blowing up like a balloon before your eyes. Immediately, his food privileges were quickly taken and turned to clear liquids. Later in the day, they removed his catheter. My dad brought Marissa from school to visit. And it seemed like the perfect medicine, Tommy perked up and wanted to play with her. But, it quickly wore him out.

The staff at this place is unbelievable, absolutely amazing people, who clearly love what they do. They treated my son as if it was their own family, and I took much comfort in knowing and seeing that. That night the nurse that was on duty walked in, "Mom, I'm on lunch. Would you like for me to sit with him so you can go take a break?" I smiled, and I'm sure I started crying, but all I wanted to do was stay with Tommy. So, I declined her offer. I was warmed by how a complete stranger was so kind hearted and willing to help. And at the same time, my phone was filling up with my loved one's messages of good wishes, hope, and encouragement. I read every email and text message to him and expressed how important he is to not just me, but to all of these people. Although, I didn't get that big, bright smile I dearly missed - I did get a half-cocked corner smile and knew it had to be on it's way. Throughout the night, things took a turn. He was in extreme pain and unable to sleep.

However, the next morning, the doctors thought it was the best idea to get him off the morphine pump. Personally, I agreed. I hated seeing my child on all of these narcotics. Granny and Poppy (that's what my kids call my parents) came and encouraged him to walk down to the play room. And he willingly accepted, yet did not have a desire to play. We rested most of the day.

My oldest sister and part of her family came in later that evening. Tommy loves his cousins and when he wasn't motivated to move around, I really started to fear something was more serious. That night my brother and sister-in-law brought Casie down to see him. At that point, Tommy was very irritable and just wasn't quite in the mood Casie was in, but she understood he's sick and didn't take it personal. It was so good to see my girls, I miss them so much!

Pedro, from work called and stopped in for a visit as well. He rang the doorbell to get in to see us and the nurses scurried to me to find out what Dad's name is. I giggled and said "That's not him at the door, it's my friend." This guy is freaking hilarious and I knew we needed the laugh and he would be the one to do it! He has a million different voices and one of his best impersonations is Puss from Puss in Boots.

As most anyone can relate, it's almost impossible to get good rest at the hospital. We were located in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) and between hearing children crying and alarms going off, it made it that much more difficult. Tommy was more or less in a zombie state. He stared off and still didn't talk very much. The surgeon arrived and told us his white cell count is back in the normal range and that was very encouraging. However, she was concerned because of the bowel damage that there wasn't movement. He would hardly walk, and when he did he didn't straighten his back in fear of the pain in his tummy. At this point, I turned into a ball of emotions and cried, what seemed like, every second.

My parents were greeted by teachers, parents, students, and faculty members when picking up the girls with well wishes for our little man! And friends and family were pouring in their support as well. Suddenly, there was a loud knock and the door swung open. A lady holding a bouquet of balloons asked "Is this Tommy Lyons?" I know she probably thought I was nuts, I was bawling crying with a smile on my face as I shook my head yes. I turned towards him and he looked so peaceful resting. I set the arrangement on his bed and couldn't wait for him to wake up. I opened the card and it read "Get well and back to school soon! We miss you!" It was from his friends and teachers.

One of my sisters called, "CC, you haven't left the hospital since this happened. I will come and sit with Tommy tonight so you can come see the girls off for their dance and get some personal belongings." As much as I appreciated that, I couldn't. He didn't have a good day and honestly I was uncomfortable leaving him. I know my sister would do everything I would have, but I felt I needed to be there. So, instead she promised she would get the girls ready and send me lots of pictures. I talked to both Casie and Marissa and they thought it was a good idea too, they understand everything happening. When the pictures started coming in, my heart melted. They did silly shots, glamorous ones, posed, unposed, and just simply looked so beautiful. I'm so proud of each of them. The twinkle in their eyes and the smiles on their faces really added such an amazing touch. Tommy and I waited anxiously for the next ones to come through. It was definitely a good distraction from our surroundings.

As time went by, I tried everything in my power to encourage Tommy to move around, but nothing was working. It suddenly dawned on me, I was starving. I had no idea when the last time I ate and used that to my advantage.

"Tommy, come on, you have to get up. We have to walk to the nurse's station. I'm so hungry and I want to see if they have any places around that delivers!"

I walked over to help him get out of bed. He didn't have much time to contemplate and willingly obliged. "Ok, Mommy." Quickly tears streamed down his face and fear was evidently taking over. I bent down on one knee. "I know it hurts, buddy. But, the doctor says it will help. Can you do it for me? I'm really, really hungry." And there it was, his brave face took over and one step at a time we made our way out of the room and down the hall. Our nurse saw us and jumped out of her chair cheering him on. I told her we were on a mission for food. She laughed, guided me towards a binder full of menus of nearby places that deliver and took Tommy's hand. "I'll take him to the playroom while you order something."

Of course, I quickly selected something and ran to the room to get my phone and money to place my order, then ran back to the playroom. There they were, sitting at a table playing. I was overjoyed at that point. He did it!!!! I started snapping pictures and immediately posting them for our friends and family to share in this progress. He kind of made me nervous though, he was moving in and out of those tables and I was so scared he would fall, but he didn't. The poor baby inherited the clumsy gene's from me. We found a little bike and he slowly climbed aboard and shouted "Come on, Mommy!" I opened the door and down the hall he went. We made way back to our room and when the food arrived, Tommy ate the most he has since we arrived there. Things were looking up and the pain med times were being spread out and Benedryl was no longer needed with the antibiotics.

Bright and early the following morning, one of the surgeon's arrived and expressed concern of a possible abscess. We were warned of this in the beginning. A scan would need to be ordered to determine if there is, and if so another surgery would be scheduled to remove it.  However, he wanted to check with the lead surgeon because he wasn't able to conduct a good exam due to Tommy not allowing him anywhere near his belly. Luckily, when the lead surgeon arrived she said it felt softer than yesterday and with blood counts in the normal range and no fever, she was confident that an abscess was not present. However, since he's still very weak, it would not be the day to go home.

He was finally released on a Sunday afternoon after five days of being there. When we arrived home, Tommy did not eat or drink and did not veer far from the couch or his bed. As concerns grew, I called the surgeon the following day, who immediately re-admitted him. Over the course of the next five days, he remained in the PICU and had a CT scan of his abdomen that showed several abscesses formed around the colon. He continued getting the antibiotics through his IV. Luckily, that was a success and no further surgeries were performed. I was surprised when he was released on a Saturday and able to return to school on Monday. However, he did it and bounced back rather quickly.

With the support and prayers are family and friends offered, they pulled us through a very trying time. And since we came through it, it made us stronger as a family and made me realize that life is too short. So, those Mommy and Me days will no longer be pushed to the back burner!!!! Live every day to the fullest!!!

God Bless and Much Love!!!



Monday, February 4, 2013

Plans for my Funeral, What?!?

I had a blast over the weekend. It was the 3rd Annual Girls Weekend Away. It's just a nice time for friends to get away and relax. We are all mothers', so this time is very important. Only one time a year to have just to ourselves, and we take full advantage!!

When I arrived home, my babies were so excited to see me and I couldn't wait to put my arms around all of them for a big group hug. Although I had a great time, nothing is as special as seeing those sweet little faces!

Reality took it's toll ... school work started to stress me out, I was exhausted, and started to get thing ready to return to work the following day. I tried to catch parts of the Super Bowl, but apparently other things were in store for me. Like checking the back of my eyelids. I was out cold! Apparently, my kids felt the same way, because they were asleep before me. But, I did wake up long enough to see Beyonce do the half time show. I just love her! There were a few commercials I caught that were funny, and then back to sleep I went.

Today, I guess everything caught up with me. I was in a bad mood to begin with. The kids were off school for a Professional Development Day, so they got to sleep in. I would have given anything to have curled up back in bed, but some one has to bring home the bacon, so up I went. After I got ready, my Mom was sitting at the table and handed me a little stack of mail "Here's what came while you were gone." I started to skim through it and one piece caught my eye, a letter from a company that I didn't recognize. Glancing up at the clock, I saw I had a little time to spare, so I opened it up to see what it was.

There it was, in front of me, was a detailed letter of how this company would help me plan my funeral. Obviously, this was Brent's work. I started to laugh and threw it on the table.

"What is it?" my mom asked me.
"A letter from some place wanting to help me plan my funeral! Cute, huh?" I responded.
"Well, that's scary! Should you call that detective you've been working with?"
"What's the point? I can't prove its him!"
"Regardless, that's crazy! You need to tell someone."
"You'll find me in a body bag before anything happens to that nut! Besides that, he'll be declared incompetent and get out of all of it. I gotta go. Call me later!" And off I headed to work.

I'm tired of living this way and refuse to. All I know is that dude has some serious issues and I wish he would leave them in his own little cracked out world and leave mine alone! It's not only insane, but it's annoying. Get a life dude! I mean, seriously!

Anyway, bedtime was 30 minutes ago and I hear the little pitter patter of feet roaming around. When they hear me getting up, they jump back in bed giggling. (lol) I used to do the same thing, so I pretend I don't hear it. Not sure if that's sending the wrong message or not ... I can see how this will play out in 10 years or so. ha ha ha

God Bless and Much Love.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Professional Announcement

Busy week - I'm exhausted, my homework is piled high, and my computer is almost dead and I don't feel like running to get the charger. So, bare with me.

I've pondered how I would share this experience, or "announcement" that I've been talking about. But, I figured breaking it down in sequence would be my best route. I was notified that I would be helping out at the plant I used to work at. Keep in mind, this particular plant is where I met Brent - we fell in love, got married, and near the end of my first pregnancy I officially became a stay at home mom.

I left behind people that I adored and missed whole heatedly and was excited for an occasional Facebook connection, but it just wasn't the same as seeing them everyday. So, when I got the word about my return - I had serious mixed emotions. Obviously, the most apparent emotion being excitement and overjoy of seeing all my buddies. Then, my next intuition was what if Brent's friends find out and try to mess with my job? As immature as that sounds, they have tried this. Then, I wondered how will people treat me? Will they associate me as a "crack head"? And the most bazaar thing, how would I feel when I pass by his old office?

These thoughts didn't actually come into play until about 3am, and I was to report to work at 8. My stomach was a mess. It felt like butterflies, scratch that, it felt like freaking cats with very sharp claws going insane! I laid in my bed tossing and turning.

I turned the tv on and thought that would distract me, better yet, put me back to sleep for a few more hours. But, no such luck. I decided to take advantage of the time, so I got up, got myself showered and ready for work. When it was time to get the kiddos up, I got them ready, took them for breakfast, and then dropped them off at school. My mom could sense my hesitation, so we decided to enjoy a hot cup of coffee at a nice restaurant near the house and just chill. That was very cool, but unfortunately it didn't shake the nervous feelings.

After dropping my mom off at home, I made the once-familiar path to the plant. I pulled into the parking lot and luckily my phone rang. I immediately picked up and it was a co-worker, "Are you here? Meet me in the lobby and I will let you in." She probably has no clue, but that was my saving grace. Once I met up with her, things turned into a major rush to get things moving and that was the distraction I needed.

The first person I ran into happened to be my buddy that I used to always confide in. It was like we picked up immediately without missing a beat. He jumped up and gave me a hug and said "I've been keeping up with you on your blog - look!" My attention was diverted towards his computer where he had saved the link in his favorites. That meant so much to me!

As the day moved forward, if I got one hug, I got a million. It was the most amazing feeling ever. And each and every one of those people were the ones who I had and always will adore. It was inevitable that the subject of Brent arose. Here's the funny part about that, the girl I was working with happened to be with me. She was new and literally knew nothing about me. Conversations were basically along the same lines when it came to that topic "congratulations on the divorce, I always thought you could do better", "glad to see you finally got rid of him", "he was the biggest liar, and it was always about stupid shit", and so on and so on. I finally asked one lady, "why didn't I realize that" she simply said "honey, because you were in love".

Finally, the new girl said "Do you mind if I ask, what is wrong with your ex-husband? No one seems to like him?" At that very moment, I learned a life lesson. I've heard it a million times, but it never clicked until that very second. When the people you love the most are telling you something, you need to take their warnings. They are seeing something you aren't and, especially when it's more then one person, they have your best interest at heart. Steer clear!

The positive not only came from that lesson, but it was a real ice breaker and we bonded as co-workers and started to begin a new friendship. As far as his office went, I knew it was either one of two offices, but I really couldn't remember which one it was. And my feelings showed nothing. That door, which ever one it was, was just that. It had no significance on how I felt of what it once was. I was able to walk those halls with my head held high, those who know me - know who I am. And they don't let one major mistake tarnish those thoughts. When it came to his friends, or should I say acquaintances, I simply greeted them with a smile. The key focus is two things, (1) act like a lady and (2) I was simply there to do a job, therefore remaining professional was of my utmost concern.

Although the experience was gut wrenching, it helped put another little piece of the puzzle back together. I might be broken, but all wounds are meant to heal! And I will! And if you are reading this and feeling great pain, it will pass - I'm living proof.

God Bless and Much Love to All!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

A Time to Struggle

As my nose is buried in school work, I take a quick break to glance up at my kids.

Casie moves from coloring a beautiful picture for her friends, to a learning game on the computer, to finding a favorite episode of her favorite show on Netflix. She's quick to come over and tell me exciting things that's happening. I admire her attention to detail. Just this morning, she was telling me about Marissa's 2nd birthday cake? How does she remember these details?

Tommy is holding Marissa's hand, because she heard a noise that frightened her. It's amazing how he can stop playing with his Transformers to help his little sister in time of need. He quickly grabbed a box of dress up clothes (her favorite) and helped her dress up into a beautiful princess. She yells "spend me around", as she lifts her hand high in the air. He looked at me with his big, blue eyes, gave a half cocked grin, and spun her around. Her eyes twinkled and the smile took over her face. Tommy knew he achieved his goal, and back he headed to play with his toys.

Marissa was so preoccupied with what she was going to put on next, she forgot all about being scared. This has to be the happiest child on this Earth, she giggles from the second she wakes up until her eyes tightly close at night.

At that moment I realize, this is my payoff. Parenting is a scary job and I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I must be doing something right. These kids are ok - their good people. And despite the turmoil they've been through, they are happy. That's what really matters.

I needed that moment, because over the last week I shed so many tears of the unknown. At conferences, I was told that Tommy isn't progressing as well as children his age. Deep down I knew it. But, I thought I saw so much improvement, I wasn't sure. She had voiced her concern that something medically might be of concern. He's very weak and tired and can't seem to complete his assignments. She had suggested that he gets evaluated and was upfront that the cost is extremely high. Although, she believed that the Pediatrician could make some recommendations and that insurance could cover a good portion of it. Immediately, my heart dropped - Brent still hasn't reinstated their insurance. What am I going to do? Casie was with me, and thank God for that. I walked out of her classroom and the first teardrop fell. She squeezed my hand and said "Why are you crying, Mommy." I smiled at her and quickly pulled myself together. As soon as the door closed to the car, I turned around and said "I need your help!" Of course, she smiled and was eager to hear what I had to offer."We have to help Tommy get back on track. Can you help?" She quickly responded "Oh yeah, I got this." The drive home was quiet. It was obvious we were brainstorming what we could do.

When I arrived home, I had some one on one time with my little man. I didn't know if I should tell him or not, but I chose to so he would know what to expect. I let him know first hand that if there's a problem, we will work together to fix it. If he's not doing his work because he would rather play - then that's a problem. It was hard explaining that sometimes some people learn differently. But, all I can ask of him is that he's try his hardest and be aware that he may not move on to Kindergarten next year. As soon as I said that, huge tears streamed down his face. That happy smile instantly turned upside down, "No Mommy, I want to go to Kindergarten!" It was so hard to keep my composure! Grabbing him into a tight hug is all I knew to do.

Things calmed down and I was able to move about the day hiding my sadness. Luckily, my friend Gretchen is always there to lend an ear and her words of encouragement boosts me to move forward. It's hard, but I feel a little better about the situation. True friends are such a blessing to have! As she always tells me, "us Mom's need to stick together" and at that moment, I knew she was right and so grateful for her support!

I don't know what needs to happen, or what's going to happen next, but I know that I have to be patient and understanding and get to the bottom of it. It's my turn to make him not scared, like he always does for his little sister!

And for that reason, I'm closing my books and taking these kiddos out for a surprise! Let them know how much their mama loves them! And how important family is and always will be!

God Bless and Much Love

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Status Call

I was excited, thought I was feeling better and then bam - exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks! This sucks! So, here I lay with my little boy watching Tom and Jerry, as Marissa prances around in a million different princess dresses. I would die for an ounce of that energy. Casie is still at school and should be home soon. Having children is a true blessing, especially when you are feeling down in the dumps - they always know how to make you smile.

I'm sitting here thinking about Brent's mom. This is weird. She sent the children a Christmas card with $5 each. They called to say thank you and when she was finished, she asked to speak to me. In a way, I felt sorry for her because I know what I went through with a spouse - I can't imagine going through it with a child. The conversation was about 10 minutes long and really all she wanted to know was what was going on. When I hung up, I felt I would do the right thing and send her a Christmas card back along with the children's school pictures. A few weeks went by and I didn't hear anything, until the phone rang at about 9:30/10:00 at night. It was her from her cell phone. Keep in mind, this woman only uses her phone for emergencies. There was a bad connection and the call was disconnected after a few hellos. Immediately, she called back ... this went on about 2 or 3 more times. We never did talk, but the following day I left her a message wondering if she was ok.

Deep down, I wondered if she was calling me to tell me Brent overdosed or something. Whatever it was, she still hasn't called back. The whole thing was weird, but I was proud of myself. I knew that no matter what kind of news she was delivering, was out of my control. If he were to OD, my sadness would be for my children mourning the loss of their "father". It certainly wouldn't be for me losing him - those tears have shed the last tear. But, the whole situation was strange and now I'm thinking its best to completely cut ties with that whole group of people. If you seriously think about it, my children could see any of those people on the street and not know who any of them are. The only thing they would be losing is their cards and phone calls twice a year. I'm willing to live with that. And I think they are too. However, if my children ever ask I will be honest and give them any information they may be seeking.

Anyway, with all that aside - I would like to give a status update as far as the blog goes. I haven't did that in a while, and people are starting to ask. So, here's the latest numbers: 23,614 hits. The countries include United States, Russia, Canada, United Kingdom, Argentina, Netherlands, Germany, Malaysia, Ukraine, France, Australia, Austria, China, South Korea, Italy, and a few others. I hope that this story can help someone out there dealing with the same thing I am. And please know that I appreciate the support!

God Bless and Much Love!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Competency Hearing, Really?!?

When I woke up yesterday, I could feel something wasn't right. At first, I felt it was the effects of a crazy weekend. However, as the day progressed ... I learned it was the beginning of an illness. One of the guys joked and kept calling me "lumpy" because of the huge bulges coming from my neck. We had new people arrive at the office and I was doing everything I could to tuff it out, until my boss approached me and told me to go home.

Both of my parents have cancer, therefore their immune system is low. Not to mention, my poor babies just recovered from their Christmas funk of illnesses. So, I took the best approach that I knew and headed for urgent care. I don't have insurance, but I knew whatever was approaching was coming quickly and powerful and I needed to be proactive.

It seemed like slow motion as the doctor said "You have the flu," he continued talking and all I was catching was bits and pieces of what followed "The antibiotic will help your infected glands", "drink plenty of fluids", and the best of all "It's going to run its course, you will feel like you've been hit by a freight train".

Oh hell no! You gotta be kidding. I don't have time to be sick, besides that what about all of the people I have been around?!? Luckily, it was the early stages and since I had the flu shot - it shouldn't be as bad. As the night went on, it got worse.

My voice, what's left of it, sounds horrible, my throat feels like I'm swallowing razor blades, the congestion is insane, and my body is just exhausted. But, being a single mom - you get no sick days. Therefore, I have to keep pushing. However, I'm incredibly grateful for the help from my mom. Obviously, I can't return to work, but I was able to focus on updating some paperwork, work on my homework for school, balance my checkbook, among other important duties that seem to get pushed to the side during a normal work week. Then for sweets and giggles, I clicked on the following link: http://apps.courts.ky.gov/CourtRecords/, entered Jefferson County, followed by Brent's information - and there it was ..... three pending cases. The first was for the foreclosure on his home. And the other two were the charges for violating the Domestic Violence Order (DVO) for a competency hearing! A competency hearing?!? Or, should I say a strategy to get him out of these charges? I got an idea .... don't break the law and quit being such a scum bag, and life would run a lot smoother! Better yet, LEAVE ME ALONE! Again, this whole thing is comical! He will probably get out of it, I'm sure! He always does! But, I'm not backing down. They need to say "yeah, he's crazy ... now let's lock him up and throw away the key".

Like I've said before, everything I'm stating as facts can be proven in the Commonwealth of Kentucky (Jefferson County) - it's all a matter of public record. So, help yourself!

So, moving along from an obvious "ooops" his parents made, my big announcement was supposed to be announced sometime this week. However, thanks to the flu - I will make it when it actually happens. A big move with mixed emotions! Stay tuned ....

God Bless and Much Love

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Communications From "Them" Again

I'm sitting here thinking, I should be pissed, but instead I'm baffled by true ignorance. Where do I begin? The emails that I received last week supposedly from Brent's girlfriend/escort, honestly I still haven't read. However, what I did see was obvious that was the work of a crack head. And not just any crack head, him. It was later followed up with a bogus email from his "friend" ... I decided to copy and paste those. However, the one's that were sent to my work I blocked immediately. Therefore, I can't paste those. My thoughts are in red.

Sent January 9th
Hello CC, you know who this is. (Yes, Brent ... I know who you are referring to as this so called writer, but I will play along)
Let's start by letting you know Brent has no idea I am doing this. Wow, I did that in middle school. How old are you? Contact all the police you want, it's not third party contact. Already did, and yes Einstein, it is third party contact. He has begged all of us not to contact you. Really???
Just thought while I was down here in Louisville I would give you the opportunity to talk to each other like civil adults do especially when your children are involved. I don't want to talk to him or you ... that's why I deleted your sorry ass from Facebook - just sayin'.
I will not allow (sp?????) you to stir the chaos in his brain as we both know you like to. Glad you have that one figured out ... are you smoking crack with him? Because your judgement is a bit cloudy. Again, just sayin.
Tonight only I have dropped the shields on his phone Damn, what kind of phone has shields these days? Does Apple make that? so you may call and speak like an adult. To him? Um, let me think about that .. no thanks! Do not try to bully him I will not allow you to. Bully? Yeah, that's it. Move calmly and he will also I am quite sure. The only moving I'm doing is on from him! Besides, last time I saw him, he reminded me of that one song "Every day I'm shuff-a-ling!!" Because he moved slower then Christmas. Lol!
You may block your number and call him 502-###-#### There's a reason I haven't called, but don't bother sitting around waiting ... it's not happening.
Don't toy with me little girl. Little girl? If I remember correctly, you are the one 4 feet tall ... I'm 5"9.
This is between two adults BOTH wanting to put their lovely children first. Oh, are you mother of the year? Because I'm not sure I need to take advise from you.
Record it or do what ever. He did not ask me to do this so you will be blind siding him. If you were his true friend, which by the way I know this is Brent's work, then you shouldn't be contacting me.
He is asleep now, like usual with your and your children's' pictures by his side. What a freak!!!
This maybe your last chance to ever speak to him in person. You, not the children. Believe me, honey - I couldn't get that lucky.
You don't want to see what we, his closest friends, are going to let loose if you can't keep this private.If I cared what his "closest friends" thought of me, I might be bothered by that statement. But, since you are here defending a crack head, well, then ... blah, is all that registers. Lol!
This is not a threat. I don't do that kind of thing so don't take it that way. That's alright, no threat taken, I'm a classy girl and don't have time for trash bags as yourself.
You have one night, tonight, to do this. Oh shoot. Did I miss the deadline?
His shields are down so don't take advantage of him, I won't allow it any longer. Go you.
Thanks for your time sweetie !Yeah, thanks for wasting mine ... but it makes for good blog posts, so whatevs!
Hope you do the right thing for once CC!Do you know me?
 
[Today, starts round two in the never ending email game from his good buddy.]
 
Sent January 20, 2013
 
We almost have your final blog entry finished for you little girl. In my Beavis and Butt-head voice "You threatening me?"
You will have it shortly. Waiting .... clocks ticking. When?
From now on, you stop telling lies about him and we won't tell the truth about you.I blog, my life is pretty much an open book.
You are an idiot who believes her own lies.For those of you who thinks I'm lying, this is all a matter of public record. Inbox me and I will give you the case #.
I told you he documented everything yet you still continue.Remember that Ice Cube movie, Friday? "Write it down, take a picture ... I don't give a (explicit language - lol)"
You also owe him half the funds you generated from your blog of slander.Oh my gosh! This is hysterical. Um, no I don't. But, I get how crack heads would want to fight over $5 in order to fill that crack pipe. I guess every little bit helps feed the addiction, huh? Sad! Very sad!
You claimed yourself you would post all comments to your blog. Guess we will see.I've been waiting since you sent this email, and still nothing. I will post it though whenever you do ... that's when I get the most hits. Plus, it's spices it up a bit because you guys are just so stupid!
Good luck and hope you have a magical day. Ahhh, I love that saying. It reminds me of Disney. That's cute!
PS. We all saw your you tube video.  Did you mean "your"? You should really re-read your work if you are trying to be hard core. That was actually a school project. I didn't like it, but glad you spent your time googling my name. Lol! Why would you say that he looked bloated ?  I said bloated because I was getting graded on that assignment. I would have much rather of said "his face looked like someone took an air hose and shoved it up his ass and blew his head up" .. but that wasn't appropriate. You should take a look at yourself.  Personally, I try to avoid mirrors. lolYour face barely fit in the screen I know, right! and true blonds don't have to color their roots do they you liar !I've colored my hair so much, I don't even know what the natural color is anymore. You should know that since you apparently hang on my every move.
 
Alright, so whatever. I called the police - made another report and will do this every chance I get. Maybe some day, he will either quit or they will lock him up and throw away the key. But, as his Big Dummy friend always says "that's good humor".
 
On another note, I had an awesome weekend. My kids had friends over and I got to hang with some of my friends as well. Not to mention, got a lot of family time in and that's always a plus. Back to the grind with school and work, but there's a big announcement coming. So, stay tuned. (big smiles)
 
Much love and God Bless!

Monday, January 14, 2013

End of Year Wrap Up

I finally received the checks from Brent. The only problem is, they were personal checks written on 12/13/2012. So, I'm anxious to see if they actually clear. It's hard to believe considering a crack head is sitting on that kind of money and not touch it.

My attorney and I came to an agreement and parted ways. As soon as those checks clear, I will pay her and move forward. Unfortunately, things aren't that simple ... since Brent won't comply with any orders, I have decided to move forward with another attorney.

The children were very ill - two tested positive for RSV and one with strep. When we went for the follow up visit, it was round two of antibiotics for Tommy and Marrissa due to their ears. The follow up appointment was scheduled for tomorrow, but the Pediatrician's office called and said they cannot see them until the insurance is cleared up. Brent still refuses to reinstate the children and at this point, I feel like I'm at a dead end. This will a good one for the new attorney. In the meantime, if the children get any worse, I will take them back to the hospital. Messed up, huh? Can we get a father of the year award for this piece of shit?!?!

Casie went for her first sleep over and had a blast. Me, on the other hand, woke up every hour expecting a call to come get her. But, she did it. I was happy for her, but it kind of tugged at my heart strings a bit. She's growing up so fast!


I'm still working and loving it. Funny story though, two Friday's ago, as well as last Tuesday I received some bogus emails claiming they were from Brent's girlfriend/escort. At one point, she claimed to be a prominent attorney - yet couldn't spell anything right. It was obvious it was from him. Then, another one followed up as his "friend". And claimed if I told anyone of the emails they would unleash all kinds of shit on me. Um, obviously, I could careless what his and his trash bag groupie's think of me - so let it happen! My friends and I laughed our asses off at these messages. The unfortunate things is, again, he went out of his way to find out my work email address. Simple solution - block the douche bags! In reality, I didn't even read all of them .... from what I did see, it was like a broken record - blah, blah, blah spitting the same shit! When is this clown going to get a freaking life?!?

Things are still tight with the schedule, so I apologize for not posting more often. However, I'm doing my best to keep you up to date. Stay tuned. Btw, thanks for the Facebook likes. Our hits to date are 22,798.

God Bless and Much Love!