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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Taking A Break - Safety Reasons

At this time, I feel for the safety and security of my family I need to discontinue the blog. I hope that one day, I can pick back up. But, there's too much going on at this point. My apologies. I'm not sure how long it will take, but I WILL be back. God Bless each of you!!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

New Phase

A million things going on around me and a faint noise makes its presence from inside my pocket. I reach in to pull my phone out and it's a number I don't recognize. Hesitantly, I answered. It was the Center for Women and Children following up in response to a police report filed last week. Her voice was friendly and kind. I explained to her that the harassment hasn't stopped from Brent. His phone call last night was strange and didn't make sense. Despite the numerous repeated calls, he got through to one. It went from explaining that we had a lot to talk about. Then, accusations that the blog is a lie. He even went as far to say "Congrats on the Annulment, now our children are bastard's." He must have been high on crack. I was angry and kept repeating "don't call me", "we have nothing to talk about", "we pay our attorney's to do the talking", along with a few choice inappropriate words. I know it's not productive to speak to him. But, when someone hangs up calls your phone, hangs up, call back, and continues this you get a little annoyed.

I contacted my phone service provider and was basically told that without an actual number, they are unable to block these calls. The only option I have is to change my phone number. People question me why I haven't did that. The answer is simple, I have a 5,4, and 3 year old that knows that number. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but to me it does.

The lady from the Center reminded me to keep my phone with me at all times. Brent is a very dangerous person and is out to get me. She encouraged me to continue to call the police when I feel is necessary and recommended to join one of their weekly sessions. She asked again, "is there anything else he said". I thought and finally continued, "He said that it was an old friend of mine that reached out to him. He calls from her phone and pushes *67, so I won't know her number. He's very far away from home now and kept saying he's clear as a bell!" I was side-tracked by another thought and changed the conversation , "The detective is going to contact me this evening and let me know the next steps in this process. We have a Jury Trial at the end of the month for the violations of the Domestic Violence Order that is already pending. It's been pushed back several times, so I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again."

She could tell I was distracted by something else and calmly went on with the conversation. I know everything he said was a lie. What kind of women would allow a man to use his phone that often to contact his ex-wife? Besides that, all of my friends hated him. I can't see any of them reaching out to him. Also, for someone to claim they are clear as a bell so many times, is trying to prove them self, therefore another lie. I don't care what he says. It used to bother me, but he's one of those people that likes to hear himself talk.

When I hung up the phone, I thought "Omg! Instead of filling this lady in with everything that happened, I cut her off to catch the latest Days of Our Lives commercial. Seriously, what is that?" I guess deep within, I felt it was pointless to keep repeating Brent's current events. He's wasting my time and life with his ignorant tactics. Obviously, it's more important to know that Kristen is returning to Days of Our Lives than the drama in my soap opera. Yes, I fear for my life with this bozo, but do I sit around and hide out??? Hell no! He doesn't win anymore. Of course, I will always be cautious and follow the "buddy rule", but that's it. Life goes on, and obviously so does my favorite soap opera. (smile)

I had more important things going on. The Girl Scout Meeting went great yesterday. Casie is so excited about events that are planned out. I was honest with her and told her what happened - everything! Then, I talked to her about her father. She was cool with the whole thing and appreciated the help of the Troop leader. She's a sweet little girl and I know she struggles, but she's going to be fine. That kid has a good head on her shoulders and knows right from wrong.

Today was picture day at the children's school. As we sat down for breakfast, I admired how cute each of them looked. These little guys are my world and I am blessed to have them. They giggled as my Dad told them he was taking "Granny" out on a date. After 50 years of marriage, these two are good role models for my babies. I am thankful to have my parents help guide me through the "parent-hood express". Don't get me wrong, they are quick to remind me that when the children are in trouble, it's karma knocking on my door. (laughing)

Here's a toast, to a new beginning of the next phase of healing! God Bless and Much Love!!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Not All Treasures Are Gold

Guess what arrived over the weekend??? The official paperwork from the annulment. To say I was excited to have that in my hand would be the understatement of the year. It's a world of difference when you hear it's official and actually seeing the documentation. I was thrilled and couldn't wait to share the news.

Today was a very trying day, but I really learned how blessed I am to have great friends. My awesome friend, Marleen, sent the sweetest email that made so much sense over the weekend. I would like to copy part of it and share with you:

God doesn’t only give us what we need. He also blesses us with the things that our hearts desire, too. I don’t believe for a second that God would create you with all this love in your heart and deny you of a loving, loyal, wonderful man to take you as his wife - love your kids like his own - and stand by your side.

That statement really hit home and gave me something to hold on to. It went on to tell that everything happens for a reason and gave real life examples. She has a way with her words that can always cheer me up. With that being said, that's why I believe God put her in my life.

Another friend is Gracie. She's one of those people who can sense something is wrong and be there at the perfect time. I love the fact that she doesn't give up on me - if I don't answer the phone, text, or Facebook, she will find a way to get a hold of me. I don't avoid her by any means, but when I get down I find myself in this shell where I just want to hide. It's always reassuring to speak to her, she's quick to let me know that what I'm feeling is normal and natural and to remind me that I do have people who care and love me.

Dana is another person I truly treasure. She's been catching up on my blog and sent a message. I would like to share some of it with you, because she's so right! Sometimes it just takes hearing it from someone else to actually hit home.

You said how bad it hurts that Brent chose drugs over you and your family. I don't think that he chose drugs over you guys. He did choose to use once, maybe twice (really stupid!!) but after that...... the drug chose him! He was under the invisible spell of addiction. Nothing comes before addiction......nothing! He's won't ever be's just how many days sober.
I know its splitting hairs kinda....but it's how I think of it, and its true. I am all about personal responsibility, but the addiction made Brent into a monster. I know he doesn't deserve forgiveness.....I'm not saying that.....just that he didn't choose the drugs over you.

Reading that really clicked on the light, so to speak. Casie struggles every day with the abandonment of her father. She dearly loves him and can't understand why he doesn't "just get better". I feel I'm giving her false hope by saying "all we can do is pray for him". Maybe I will take this approach and explain to her that Daddy will never get better. Once an addict, always an addict. We can pray for his sobriety but she needs to know that he chose the initial path and he will never be the same person she remembers him to be. Which in the back of my mind, I wonder what is that exactly??

The guy was always a useless bum who laid in bed or on the couch all day, besides his 5000 trips to smoke a cigarette outside. He never read to them, played games, took them for walks or to the parks, he never bathed them, or cared about if they were hungry or not. I did it and never thought twice about it because I always blamed it on his bipolar disorder. Besides the fact, I'm their mother - and that's what mother's do. He hated to go to Disney because he claimed they heard you around like cattle and steal all of your money. In fact, I remember taking Casie and Tommy to Magic Kingdom (by myself) while his ass stayed in the room. Strangers were helping me on and off the rides. Instead he wanted to push the "lake house" down their throat. Don't get me wrong, northern Michigan is beautiful and we had great times there. But, it was all about what HE wanted to do, never mind the children's needs or wants. So, why does she think of him as some hero? Why doesn't she see him for the piece of shit he really is????

That brings me to this morning. Casie has been so excited about joining the Girl Scouts since the first poster showed up on the school walls. I knew financially it would be trying, but was determined to make it happen. Not only is it a fantastic program, but it really teaches life lessons. I tried everything in my power to get the funds. If Brent would have paid me, like he was court ordered, it wouldn't have been a problem. But, I'm sure he will throw his mental card for that one. Last time I spoke to the jerk off, I said (and I quote), "Your daughter really wants to join the Girl Scouts. Please get me the money or she will not be able to do so." His response, "That's your problem! Get a job!" What an asshole. I have been to interview after interview, and even applied for positions that might as well pay crackers. Believe me, if I could get a job I would tell him to take his lousy ass money and shove it up his ass! But, this is for his daughter, not me ... how can a father be like that?!?!

I planned on coming home from dropping the kids off at school and gather some books, CD's, and DVD's to go sell to make this happen. The first meeting is today. But, unfortunately, I woke up with kidney stones. I was in so much pain. At that point, I realized I just couldn't do it. I cried my eyes out and didn't know where to turn. I finally typed this email to the troop leader. It read:

Hey girl!!
I'm so embarrassed to write this email, but I'm going to have to pull Casie from the Daisy's. Believe me, I tried everything before I had to send this message. She is going to be so disappointed when I break the news, but maybe next year will work out better. Sorry for the late notice.

CC Lyons
This troop leader is another blessing that came into my life. We became friends over the summer when she reached out to offer some support of this whole colossal mess up called life. She is Casie's friend's mom and such a good person. She immediately responded to my email ... I chose not to answer right away. Then, she called. I couldn't answer because at that point I was bawling like a baby and couldn't catch my breath. And finally, she sent me a text asking why. I explained everything to her. She assured me it would be confidential and offered some other options in order to keep Casie in this program. It was mortifying and I didn't want her to think of me as some charity case. She was so cool about the whole thing and assured me that everything would work out. She's such a great person and I'm so glad it was her that I could talk to versus someone I didn't know.
Although, it would be nice to keep these things confidential - I blog. And it's only fair if I share everything. So, as Brent reads this and laughs to his buddies of this financial struggle - he's the one that looks like the douche bag father ... scratch that, sperm donor! And I have REAL friends and family who pick me up when he knocks me down and I will make it. And my children will one day figure it out and see him for the evil person he is!!!
Yes, I have to do the walk of shame into the meeting today ... but, it's ok. I did lose my cool for a minute when my phone rang with a "Blocked" caller ... I picked it up and simply said "Quit calling me, you pathetic piece of shit!!" Needless to say, he might of got the message but with his lack of brain cells he couldn't comprehend it, I'm sure!!
Be thankful for those special treasures you have in your life, I know I am!!! God Bless and Much Love!!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Crazy Days

Today was crazy. Before I start to tell you about it, I'm proud to announce that our hits for this blog has went above 18k!!! That's sweet! Thanks so much for the continued support.

I woke up at 6am, even though the children didn't have school. After getting ready, I had to go switch vehicles with my brother and off I went to a job interview. Arriving an hour early, I was so nervous and so excited at the same time. It went very well and I should know something within a week. Please keep your fingers crossed, this is a fantastic opportunity and I'm hoping that I am offered the position. My dear friend helped me get my foot in the door and I want to let her know how much I appreciate her!!!

After the interview, I had to take Marissa to the doctor because she had a few mosquito bites, one of them actually grew to the size of my palm on her neck. It was scary and I just wanted to be safe then sorry. I had my three children and my niece with me. We sat and waited in the waiting room for over a half an hour, then was finally taken back and put into a room that was about as big as my arm. Normally, I'm very calm and able to keep things running smoothly during long waits. However, after an hour - I let the kids get rowdy without even trying to settle them down. It's safe to say that it worked, within a few minutes the doctor came in and we were out of the office very quickly. She said it was an allergic reaction and called in a steroid cream to put on it.

I finished my homework and off I go for along weekend. If nothing major develops, I will check back in Monday! Have a great weekend!! God Bless and Much Love!!!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Never Ending Game

Here we go again!!! But, before I fill your ear with more ignorance from Brent, I would like to share the rest of the day. All of the children were well and went to school. It was conference day and everything went great. I am a proud mama!

Today has been one of those day's where I feel very stressed out. I have a lot to do, but not enough time to complete it. Guess it's gonna be another all nighter. Or maybe not. We'll see.

Anyway, I have a good friend that really came through for me today. It's a good opportunity that could change our future, but I don't want to release too much information in case it doesn't pan out. But, I'm super excited about that. And will share as soon as I can.

So, ding dong called today. He must be using that "Fake Caller ID" app on his phone, because although it shows up as "Blocked" on my cell, on the home phone it shows up as (502) number. When you call it back, it says it's a non-working number. Tuff guy, huh? Anyway, I answered and he started off with "Can you email me pictures of the kids?" I said, "Can't I'm busy right now. Why are you calling?" .... and on with the B.S., pull up your feet because it's getting deep.

B: I know you don't have insurance, so I decided to leave you on it for another 90 days.
Me: Hmmm, maybe you aren't the son of a bitch I thought you were, but I was reading where that is common practice to allow Cobra to reinstate.
B: No it's not. You should have been off on the first day.
Me: OK, well, where's the maintenance payment that was due on the first?
B: I don't handle my money anymore, my attorney took that over and makes the distributions when necessary.
Me: I bet. So, this insurance thing - don't think that's coming out of my maintenance, I don't need any favors from you.
B: Well, I don't need to be reading about it in your blog or hearing from your attorney about it.
Me: Whatever! So, the stuff that you were ordered to return to me. The children and I will be out of town from tomorrow through Sunday - you need to call my mom to set something up to drop it off.
B: Yeah right! That's your attorney's fault. We sent her a letter explaining that you needed to pay for a POD's Moving Truck to be delivered here. I can't help that she didn't respond. Therefore, your shit is gone! And as far as the house, you won't see a penny of that either - I'm letting it get foreclosed on!
Me: OK, friendly reminder ... you aren't supposed to call me anymore. Remember there is a DVO against you that remains in affect until 2014. Good-bye.

So, the first thing I did was laugh and look over at my dad. He shook his head and said "I don't even want to know - he's sick, CC!" I typed up a message to my attorney and explained what happened. She immediately responded and is working on things right now. After she responded, I wrote her back and said "Do you know how to tell when he's lying? When he moves his mouth!" Bless her heart, I know she wanted to respond, but she was professional and went about handling the matter instead of engaging in my thoughts.

Since that's out of the way, guess what?!?! My marriage, if that's what you want to call it, is officially annulled today. I can now get married in the church. Better yet, the church does not recognize that marriage to Brent. Yay!!!!

Ok, and as I'm typing this out a police officer showed up. My parents were walking up the sidewalk and the officer approached them and asked if they lived in this house and said he needed to speak with me over a blog. At the same time, I was getting ready to leave to take Casie to soccer practice and Tommy started shouting, "Mommy, Poppy is talking to a real live police officer." I walked to the door and automatically thought the worst. Honestly, I thought he was delivering bad news about Brent. Turns out Brent called the hotline and reported that I made a blog post that I was planning on harming myself. I explained the whole situation and told him that was totally incorrect. Several hours later, a police report was filed and Brent will now be facing more charges. Wow! Does this guy ever stop?!?! He really freaks me out!!!!! This guy needs to be locked up and throw away the key. He's capable of anything. Needless to say, Casie missed her soccer practice. I'm embarrassed to tell the coach why, but I have no other choice.

As you can see from the events that unfolded today, it's been one of those emotional roller coaster types of days. I'm overdue for some downtime. So, I will make sure I take that opportunity. I hope you do too! God Bless and Much Love!!!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Public Speaking

When I signed up for Public Speaking this quarter, I could feel my teeth grinding in fear. And today, as I work through the class, I'm still doing so. There's something about getting in front of a crowd and talking that scares me to death. I can share my life on this blog. And if you put me in front of my friends or family, my comfort zone, I'm fine. But, the whole idea of speaking in front of strangers is another story.

There goes that thinking process through my mind - what if I have something on my face or teeth?!? What if I forget what I'm talking about?!? I will probably use a word in the wrong context. What if my presentation doesn't come across as I mean for it too?  I hope I don't fall.

It's very scary for me. Bottom line, I'm a very self-conscious person, and believe it or not, very shy. But, this is one of those things I have to do, therefore I push myself forward. Unfortunately! I constantly remind myself, "this is for the kids; you will never be dependant on a man again" type scenario's, but that doesn't make the fear go away. At all. (smile)

What happened to life when everything was so simple?!?! Before marriage, before children .... why did that time fly by so fast? And to think I wasted so much time planning my future, when in reality it turned out nothing like I pictured. Obviously a failed marriage isn't what I hoped for, but I guess that's where that old saying comes into play "dust yourself off and try again". So, that's what I'm going to try to do. I guess my Grandma knew what she was talking about when she said not to worry about tomorrow - it isn't here yet." If only I would have listened, I wouldn't have wasted so much time day dreaming. Ha ha ha

This morning, I got the children up for school ... same routine - get them dressed, brush their teeth, do their hair, let the dogs out, and then sit them down for breakfast. As they are eating, I run around and do some last minute things, like snacks, lunches, whatever. However, this morning was really giving me a run for my money - poor Marissa starts puking all over the place. Luckily, it's nothing serious, more of a drainage problem,but I kept her home from school. These are those moments as a single parent, you wish you had the other parent to help. The only thing I could do after getting her cleaned up was hand her a bag to hold in the car while we took the other two to school.

My parents watched her as I went to a scheduled doctor visit - the Psychiatrist (the doctor that handles the medication). I parked the car and walked through the parking lot to the tall office building. The thought crossed my mind, does people in other offices think "there goes another crazy into that one" as they greet you with a friendly smile? It's kind of embarrassing, but that's another thing I have to push through in order to deal with my depression/anxiety issues, although I walk with my head hung low.

The doctor is a very intelligent man who is very easy to talk to. After he scanned through his notes, he looked up and said "How did the trial go?" I could almost feel the relief fall from my shoulders, I immediately responded "In my opinion great. My biggest thing is the kids and everything went as I hoped for." He looked up over his glasses and asked, "Do you think he will ever get visitation with them?" I shrugged my shoulders and answered "I hope for my children's sake that he can get clean and be a good father figure in their life, but I'm afraid he's too far gone. His crack addiction cost him his job, his home, and his family. I have little to no hope in him anymore."

I explained that because I won't have insurance for awhile that I would need to schedule my next appointment out a way. He agreed and discussed my current medication. Currently, I'm taking Welbutrin to help with the anxiety and depression. My goal is to eventually come off of it, but through this process I felt it was a necessity to retain some type of sanity. I've been on it for about four months and it seems to help. Although, I do occasionally notice a lot of aggravation towards certain adults, but it doesn't seem to be all the time so I will have to deal with it for the time being. I made the decision to stop going to the Psychologist (the one who does the counseling) because I felt all I did was repeat myself. She was a great help and was able to teach me how to pull through the hardest part. I'm in a much better place, but still have a way to go, but I feel that I can move forward in a positive direction without these sessions.

As I made my way down the long hallway in this building, there was a tall man strolling along. He must have been drunk or something because he was literally bouncing off one wall to the other. We briefly made eye contact and I gave him a slight smile. Inside, I kind of chuckled and thought, "it could be worse". It's funny how things work out. I wasn't judging this guy, but his actions made me be thankful that I didn't suffer other "issues" other then what I already do. Therefore, when I left I was able to hold my head a little higher and move on.

I guess that's what I'm going to have to do with this darn public speaking!!! (laughing) And just in case you're wondering, I did not receive my maintenance payment yesterday. Already notified my attorney!

Enjoy your day and conquer your fears.

God Bless and Much Love!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Sticks and Stones

What a long, relaxing weekend that just passed. Today, is not only the beginning of a new month, but it also starts my first maintenance payment from Brent. Have I received it yet? Nope. Do I think I will receive it? Probably not. He thinks he is above the law for some reason. If I get it by midnight tonight, I will be surprised!

Speaking of him, I want to share with you some of the immature things that I have to deal with. Is he just really that goofy or could it be the drugs? Anyway, I used to have a Jewelry Store Account, but after paying it off and closing it I stopped receiving emails - until the other day. Curiosity got the best of me and I logged in to see what the status was. Keep in mind that all of my account passwords have been changed, except this one because it was closed and I didn't really think anything of it. Brent logged in and changed my information: Address was Lard Ass Lane; City/State: Huge Ass, Kentucky; email address: *******_* (left blank to protect his identity). How do I know it was him?!?! That email address used to be mine for 10+ years. When he continued to harass me, I changed it and deleted that account. Einstein, with nothing better to do, created his own account with his information. Really dude?!?! My first thought was, I would rather be a fat ass than a crack head, but after thinking about it I feel sorry for him. For a 45 year old to do this type of thing, something is not right upstairs, if you know what I mean. Oh well.

I can do something about being heavy and I have, today I hit my 11 pound mark of losing weight. Considering I had three children in 30 months, then went through this whole crazy mess with him, I still have a way to go. But, I'm doing it - one pound at a time. So, I wonder, didn't his mother ever teach him the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never kill me"? Because guess what buddy, my friend and I laughed at the ignorance of the whole thing.

You know there was a time that it would have bothered me, but I just don't care anymore when it comes to him. I know that's sad to say, considering he's the father of my children, but that's how I feel.

Anyway, its cold and rainy here today, so I'm going to snuggle up with my babies and make it a movie night with my three favorite little monkeys! But, before I do, I would like to share a Facebook page with everyone. I don't know these people, but their story is very touching - it's about a young boy suffering with cancer. If you haven't already, show your support and like this page. It's for a good cause and it offers encouragement to an innocent child. Also, please say a special prayer tonight for this little guy!!/PrayersforLaneGoodwin

God Bless and Much Love!