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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Nightmare City

Since all of this went down, I have a problem of nightmares. Sometimes it's reliving this whole traumatic experience and other times it's kind of the "what if" scenario. It definitely takes a toll on my rest, or lack there of!

Last night, for example, my dream seemed so real. The parts that I remember is that the order came from the judge, the decree, and as soon as I opened it - Brent called and just started laughing. I started yelling at him, "Laugh all you want you piece of shit, the children is what really matters - not your freaking money." And there it was ... I woke up .... before the alarm clock rang, sitting there wondering if that was a sign of what was to come and that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach of nerves.

Brent must have a new "flavor of the week" because he's finally left me alone (it's Wednesday, so we are half way there). If the guy doesn't want the help and wants to continue using drugs - I wish he would move out of this state. My friends always question "why doesn't he move back to Michigan?" Yes, that's where he's from originally. Unfortunately, this guy will end up living on the streets before he knows it.

Speaking of that, I have the most heart wrenching story that I had to endure with him. After he deserted his first family, they moved to Virginia. At the time, he had visitation rights to them. These children (minus their little brother that Brent never claimed) would get on a plane and travel to Kentucky by their selves. Every time we would take them back to the airport for their return home - it was so emotional and just so hard. My poor little step-daughter was terrified of planes, yet she walked right on with tears streaming down her face. Both Brent and I would cry like babies each time. I know these airlines treat these children that travel alone like kings and queens, but it doesn't make it any easier. I remember questioning him why we couldn't just drive them home. The answer to that is simple, because of him!

He made life so miserable for his ex-wife and when he never claimed their youngest child and even showed myself and his brothers a fictitious DNA test, no wonder! That poor kid would see his big brother and sister leave to go to their Dad's house, I always wondered what went through his head. What did his mom tell him? In reality, that child is better off then all six of them because he didn't meet Brent. There were times that I would literally argue with his brothers when they would try to tell me it was his kid. I just couldn't believe that someone, a father for that matter, could treat a poor, innocent child that cruel. Apparently, I was wrong. And I had to eat crow when I apologized to the brothers and told them they were right all along.

I've spent my morning a nervous wreck, so much goes through my mind I find it hard to focus on anything. Luckily, this blog is my outlet and really seems to help out. I don't want to come across as repetitive, but when I type - that's what's on my mind that second, so that's what I share. I know people around the world have much, much worse situations more difficult then mine. And I also know, that one day I will be able to look back on this as a learning tool and grow a much stronger person. I will be more choosier when it comes to anyone who enters my life. But, for now I'm still taking baby steps to get there. And that's why I'm sharing this journey with everyone because I'm hoping that someone out there that's following this blog is in a similar situation and will know that eventually there is light at the end of the tunnel. It would have been so easy to take my own life to escape everything, or even use drugs with Brent. But, I chose the better route, but I didn't. It's a struggle but one day I will get there and be the happy person I used to be (pre-Brent time).

With that being said, much love and God Bless!

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