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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Girl Talk

Since I vowed to be honest through my journey, I have to share this story. Although embarrassing, it holds a valuable lesson for single mothers who lose themselves in the whole story of parenthood.

Today was the children's first day of school. My parents went with me, but only my father walked me into the school. First stop, Marissa's class. I knew she would be the hardest since this was her first day ever. We entered the classroom and walked her straight to her cubby - took some pictures, hung up her bag, and then we were shooting for a quick exit. BUT, dumb, dumb me turned around and there she stood with her bottom lip quivering. I noticed that my Dad started to walk back towards her and I knew it was my place to the strong one for all of us. I looked up at him and said "Dad, come on! Let's go .... NOW!". As we made the short trip down the hall to Tommy's class, I turned around again. It was apparent my father was filled up with emotions and didn't know what to say. As my eyes filled up, I casually said "The teacher told me it only makes it worse if we linger around - it's best we got out of there as fast as we could." I must have put up a good front, but deep down my heart was breaking. My baby is not a baby anymore.

We arrived to Tommy's room. Casie ran to hug Tommy's teacher that she used to have last year. Again, same routine ... we walked him to his cubby, hung up his bag, and took pictures. The only difference was - he was the one that walked off and started playing with his friends. Not even looking back at me, he said "See you in a little while, Momma."  WHAT?!? That's it?!? This is far from the little man that I walked in last year - he was so upset and chased me down the hall begging me not to leave. Now he wasn't even phased by the fact that I leaving him. Maybe this was worse then Marissa. Whatever it was, I didn't have time to think about it. I marched on with Casie off to the cafeteria where she had to sit until the bell rang,I knew she was a little nervous so I had to continue my front. Luckily, familiar faces started to arrive and I was relieved by the reassuring look some of the parents gave me. We had a mutual feeling and those looks we gave each other seemed to have helped. I turned to walk out, as I did I felt a little tug on my shirt. There was my big Kindergarten girl staring up at me through her new glasses, "Can you stay a little bit longer?" I smiled back at her and said "Of course I can." My Dad made his way through the cafeteria and back to the car where my mother was. The school bell rang and each grade level was dismissed and headed to the appropriate classroom. I walked Casie to her cubby, hung up her bag, took a picture, and she stuck her arms out wide for a big hug. At that point, I knew she would be fine.

As I drove home to drop my Dad off, I started to think of an incident that happened a few days before. I got together with some girlfriends and towards the end, one pulled me aside. I'm not sure exactly what we were talking about, but everyone was laughing. She pulled my arm and tugged me away for some privacy and said "I'm leaving, but I'm going to tell you something that is probably going to make you mad. Just listen to what I have to say and for once in your life, keep your mouth shut! Don't call me tonight, I will talk to you when you realized what I'm saying is true because believe me - I'm only saying it because I'm a REAL friend." I remember saying "Shut up! What's the matter? Are you OK?" She took a deep breath and started ... and when she started she didn't shut up. I took every word in, but to be honest I was so in shock I couldn't say anything. Her big brown eyes stared at me like she looks at her children and she said, "I've known you forever and back in the day when I was down and out - I knew I could call on you because you're ass was so silly you could always make me laugh. THAT CC  was the center of attention, everyone loved to be around you because you had a way about you that just sucked people in. You didn't get mad over caddy stuff and you were the only person I ever knew that her Macy's card was always maxed out and you had the latest of the latest. I would call you up and say, let's go out and I knew it would take you an hour to shower and get ready. This girl now .... YOU (she pointed in disgust), I don't know who you are. While you've been off playing Mommy AND Daddy, you lost yourself. Personally, I know that playing one role as a parent is difficult enough and I can't even image being both and my hats off to you for a job well done. But,when you take those children to school on the first day, it's time you take some CC time. When you get out of the shower, don't just throw your hair in a ponytail ... fix it up like you are about to meet the love of your life. You have cuter clothes then t-shirts and gym shorts. And for God's safe, take the extra 10 minutes to put make up on. You have 3 hours everyday that you can take a vacation from being a mommy! Take advantage of it. More importantly, I know you don't have a man ... but shave your damn legs! Love ya girl! I'm sure I will talk to you next week!" And she disappeared in the crowd.

WTF! I felt my blood pressure rising and thought "what a bitch" but on that journey home from my children's school I knew she was right. But my legs, luckily being a natural blonde my hairs aren't as noticable ... or at least I thought. I meant it wasn't amazon shit, it was just a little stubble.

For so long, I put my children first; as should any parent. But, the problem is I never made time for myself. Deep down, I truly felt "what's the point - who would want a fat ass like me." But today was different, instead of feeling all Eeyore like, I started to think of the positive things. At my doctor's visit on Monday, I had lost weight and was no longer considered "pre-diabetic", it's been 2 months since I quit smoking, and I started to realize that I do have a lot to be thankful for, so I pulled up to let my Dad out at the end of the driveway and turned towards my mom. "Well, what's the plan, Stan?"; she knew I already had a plan, so it was pointless for her to even say a word. I looked at her and said "We're going shopping ... kids free!". It's wasn't anything extravagant, it was simply Target. I passed the children's clothing section, toys, and made my way to health and beauty. My first stop - the razor isle. As I reached for the brand I normally get, I noticed a bottle of Nair Hair Removal. Curiosity got the best of me, I never used this product. Does it actually work? I grabbed it, what do I have to lose, right?!?

Before I knew it, it was time to pick up the two little ones from half day preschool, they were excited to see me and couldn't wait to tell me all about their day. We ate lunch and they crashed. Poor kids must have really got wore out on their first day of school. As they rested, I made homemade Snicker doodle cookies and played around the house for a little while before I crashed out myself.

It wasn't long until my alarm started buzzing for me to go get Casie. She was so excited about her first day as well and shared something she made. It was a nice feeling hearing about her friendships, how her teacher was so nice, and how she got to go through the lunch line for the first time.

After dinner, the kids got their bath, and off to bed they went. Again, my conversation with my friend popped in my head. How could I get her voice to shut up in my head?!? I jumped up and made way to the white Target plastic bag hanging on the stairwell banister. I took the bottle of Nair out and carefully read the directions. I applied before I got in the shower just as it said to do and miraculously it worked! That was my motivation I needed. No razor burn, my legs are silky, and  ... oh shit, wait ... no more bragging on this product. I started to burn like no other. Apparently, my skin is too sensitive and couldn't handle this - why didn't I only test out one little area?!?! Now I'm dying literally EVERYWHERE!!!! What do I do?!?! If my goofy friend wouldn't have made me so damned paranoid, maybe I wouldn't have rushed the process. I looked up, took a deep breath, and questioned why!!!! When I reached for the a ponytail holder, I knocked over a bottle. Damn her! Maybe that was my sign to go dry my hair instead of falling asleep on it wet.

It wasn't long later until I started to feel some relief and luckily the irritation faded as well. I glanced at the phone and knew I needed to make a call. I dialed Brittney's number and with a loud annoying voice she answered and screamed "Well, well, well, look who arrived from the dead - I knew you wouldn't stay mad for long. Did you take my advise and doll yourself up??" I started to laugh and immediately shared my embarrassing moment with her. I'm taking baby steps, but I will find myself one day. And in the mean time,  I will take that bitches advice and focus a little more time on getting ready before I leave the house.

With that being said, be thankful for your friends! (laughing)

Much love and God Bless!

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