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Monday, January 16, 2012

Raising Children Is The Hardest Job Ever

Even though things started to fall into place, it didn't really make it easier. The fact was I just wanted to be married and have a bunch of children. But, accepting the whole "divorced" thing isn't as easy as it should be (even though it's not official yet). Don't get me wrong, Brent was a real monster and I know I'm doing the right thing, not only for myself, but more importantly my children. I would NOT go back to him for all the money in the world! That relationship is too far gone to ever come back! The feeling of "failure" still seems for me to be associated with the whole situation. I guess I will always wonder if I was the reason my husband turned into a crack head. And I am so damaged from this relationship, how could I even think about getting into another one? I can't, so that's why all of my energy and focus will go to my children, where it should!

I want my girls to know that not all men are unreliable ass holes.They should be loved and treated with nothing but respect. And I stress so much to Tommy how to always be kind and understanding to girls. Let's be real, if I stuck around their father any longer - they wouldn't have that chance. Children learn from what they see and know. It's so cute to see Tommy with his classmates. Before he leaves for the day, he goes around and gives all the little girls hugs and shakes the boys hands. One time he was invited to a party for a little girl in his class, he wanted me to take him to the store to buy her a flower before it started. Then, when we got there another little girl was afraid to go down the slide. He took her by the hand and said "It's ok, you can go with me." That moment made me so proud. I knew that I taught him that.

Nights seemed to get more frequent with Casie waking up in the middle of the night crying for her Daddy. Tommy would watch TV and make comments about going fishing with his Dad. And Marissa would talk about him out of the blue. I honest to God didn't understand this. Other then the fact, that when Brent was in their lives he was a part time father and his short comings would sometimes be filled with fun. They didn't know him as the one who disciplined or took care of them. For God's sake, one time they asked him to bring them Easter baskets and later that night three empty baskets were delivered to my parent's front porch! Like seriously, empty? You couldn't put some candy or something in there. The Pediatrician they had was awesome! I absolutely adored her and would seek her expertise from time to time. She told me that I needed to be honest with the children. That obviously not go into details of the drugs, but find a way for them to understand the whole situation. So, I explained to them the whole concept of consequences.  I used the example of "when you get in trouble, you have to sit in time out or lose the privilege of something you enjoy. Daddy not only is a sick man, but he's did a lot of things that got him into trouble and now he has to pay the consequences by not being around us." It works and they understand that, but it still doesn't bare the heaviness upon their heart!

Unfortunately, I had to make the grueling decision to leave that Pediatrician. She is an amazing woman and I love her dearly and so do my children. And because of that, I knew our divorce was getting ugly and I felt that if I left I would be protecting her. She knew all about Brent and it was obvious she didn't like him, but she was always professional. He was afraid of the fact that she knew so much and started nit picking on things and would threaten to have her subpoenaed and would humiliate her. I'm not really sure how he would do that, but I had so much respect for the woman I didn't want her to have such negativity in her life so I left her practice. I wrote her a letter explaining it and she responded back and said that she appreciated it and would always be there if I should need anything. I don't know if that was the right decision to do or not, but it's what I felt I had to do. 

My Mom kept telling me to go through the files on the marital computer I have in my possession. She felt I would come across some information that Brent saved. It took weeks, maybe even months, before I could prepare myself to do so. But, I opened the first document and that was enough. You see Brent was ordered to pay his ex-wife maintenance of $1500 a month. In which, he claimed he did. In fact, my paycheck and/or 401(K) made several of those payments. The document I came across told a different story. Apparently, with that divorce settlement he gave her a one time payment of $15,000 to avoid the monthly payments, in which she accepted. He told me that he gave her that amount for her not to touch his retirement. So, basically that $1500 a month would go to him. And I couldn't help but to think it probably went to his drugs and whores. I couldn't take anymore, so I quit "snooping". The reason for even wanting that computer in the first place was because I had my enormous CD collection uploaded to that computer and the speakers were awesome! Since I left all of my CD's behind, this filled the void. 

Thinking back now, I don't really know when he started with his heavy drug usage. Maybe it was before I ever met him and I was blind to the fact. And at this point, I really don't even care. It's a chapter in my life that I just want to close and never have to reopen. But, that will never be the case considering we share three children - he will be in my life forever. 

I started to finally come out of my slump and become more social. I went out with some really good friends and was able to enjoy myself, and even reconnect with some old friends and make new ones.

But, the one question still remains in my head, what is my purpose in life? And why can't I seem to focus?!? My brain still travels at high speeds round and round and I feel it very hard to concentrate on anything. I guess the whole term "baby steps" come into play and I just have to take it one day at a time. But, the fact remains my time is running short on the living situation. My parents are great and would keep us forever if they could. But, the four of us in one room isn't going to work. These kids need their own space and living area. Right now, Casie and Tommy are in bunk beds and Marissa sleeps with me. It's fine now because they are all so young. I've really focused on getting a job and furthering my education. But, I'm going to have to reevaluate my budget to be able to survive. It's important for me to keep my children at the school they are currently attending. They are happy there and love their friends. I know the teachers and feel comfortable to start Preschool next year. It's their only since of "familiar territory" and I don't want to take that away. But, the tuition is going to kill me! Especially when Brent isn't going to help! I'm hoping that our marital house sells fast or Brent buys me out and I can have a little leverage with the funds! So, I went ahead and pre-registered all three of them for the 2012-13 school year! 

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