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Thursday, January 5, 2012

No Going Back Now

Oh, how I miss my father-in-law. If only he was still alive, maybe Brent wouldn’t be a crack head! Did I tell you know that when my brother-in-law’s were cleaning out his home they found the letter that I wrote to him before the wedding? He kept it! It must have meant some thing to him after all!

Anyway, at a hotel across town where Brent was staying before he was incarcerated, the maid service entered the room to clean. She came across a duffle bag with about 40 prescription bottles, $800 in cash, drug paraphernalia and crack on the table. She called the police and an arrest warrant was issued. [I didn’t know this until the first criminal trial.] Basically, when he was released from jail on his own recognizances – he was turned over again. He must have called every body he knew because it wasn’t long until my brother’s phone rang. I happened to be with Kevin in his truck, so I could hear the whole conversation. It was more or less my brother telling Brent that he didn’t want anything to do with him after what he put his sister through.

Our court date arrived and I was ready. I had tons of pictures of what the house looked like and the footage from the deer cameras. Apparently, Brent’s lawyer was a little more aggressive then the one I had at the time. Even with all that evidence, since Brent wasn’t physically abusive towards me, the EPO was dismissed. I couldn’t believe it! His lawyer painted this picture of how I was a gold digger and would do anything to make him look like a bad guy, so that I could take his money. My lawyer kind of acted unprofessional walking out of the court room yelling “That’s why attorneys tell their client’s to lie! You’ll find this kid dead because of him.” Apparently, since he violated the EPO, there was still no contact until the criminal court hearing. I didn’t know that either. So, I rushed to pick the children up and headed home. I was convinced Brent would be arriving soon and honestly, I feared what was going to happen next. I felt for my children’s sake, I needed to make a call to Brent. When he answered he was laughing. I said “Look, please don’t come here. And if you do – don’t break down the door. It will scare the children and they’ve been through so much! We all have! Are you finished yet? How could you have done this?! Am I that horrible of a person that you resorted to being a crack head?!?” That conversation was about as useful as tits on a bull!

Over the days that followed, I was so scared being in that house. I didn’t sleep and if I did, I would wake up if I heard any noise. My friend, Mandy, worked second shift and she came over most nights to help out with the kids and ease my mind a bit. I really appreciated her company and will be forever grateful.

When the criminal hearing came, Brent had basically got out of the whole thing. He had to serve a year of a Mental Diversion program, which in my opinion was a freakin joke! Supposedly, when he was completed with that the record would be esponged from his record. I guess that means, wiped clean!

It wasn’t long until Brent weaseled his way back into my life using the children as pawns. He knew I would do anything for them, even if it was at risk of my own happiness. Since I hit that point, I might as well share with you what I learned about doing that. Most parents are guilty of it. But, you’re children are never truly happy unless they see their parents happy! And boy is that true! Have you ever noticed when you are feeling down and out, your children seem to be more into mischief then usual? They are like little sponges and when you are upset, they feel the tension too! I wish I would have known then, what I do now. Famous last words, huh?

Brent started attending a rehab class at one of the local hospitals. It was an outpatient type program. The lady was so sweet to talk to and very knowledgeable about addiction. The people in that class would share similar stories and it was actually nice to relate. I attended a lot of the classes with him on Family Night and learned a lot. He seemed to be improving greatly and I thought I saw a glimpse of the man I loved. After he graduated, he moved back home. I thought it was for real. He bought me a 3.5 carat diamond ring as his way of “starting over”. I never felt comfortable in the home because everywhere I looked I wondered if that was where he and the crack whore had been. So, we decide to remodel the entire home in hopes that it would bring a new feel and we could move on. It was obvious that Brent needed more help with the cravings, so he left and attended an in-patient rehab facility in Jacksonville, Florida for 41 days and left me to handle the home front. Besides being bombarded with contractor after contractor – the work was finally finished and our new home was awesome! The basement was finished that included a storage room, living room, rec room, office, toy room, a full bath, and wet bar. I designed the bar myself. Come to think of it, I designed the whole basement myself – the contractors just did the work. Anyway, the bar had the four family emblems placed in it, a brick arch over the top, and an old world finish to it. All the furniture was replaced with brand new stuff that was so comfortable! I will see if I can post some pictures! I love, love, love our basement! And I better throw this out there as well, Brent had signed over power of attorney to me to handle his father’s large estate when he was hospitalized and if I really wanted to have been a gold digger - that was my chance. But, that’s not who I am and I didn’t take one penny that I wasn’t supposed to. I’m really not the bitch Brent portrays me to be! I loved this guy with my whole heart and I would have never took advantage or hurt him.

That February, I lost my paternal Grandma. She is truly missed and I find comfort in knowing that she is looking down on me and help guiding me through this mess. At the funeral, my family members started to talk. If there is one thing I could stress, it would be … when your family and friends are seeing something that you are not, they 99.9% of the time are correct! If only I would have taken warning to their red flags, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and pain.

I thought things were going very well and when summer came around we took our routine family vacation to northern Michigan. We would go to this small town called Beulah. Brent and his family have owned a cottage there on Crystal Lake, which is very close to Lake Michigan. If you have ever seen that area, it truly is stunning! It’s obvious why that lake got its name – you can literally be out in the deepest point (which, I THINK is about 400 some thing feet) and see straight down. This time was very special though, we had my parents (which they normally went up there with us), AND ALL OF MY nieces and nephews! It was a freakin’ blast! During the day, we spent it out on the boat and jet skies! We did a lot of tubing, fishing, swimming, shopping, eating out, and chilling. And at night, we would go to the ice cream shop and then come home and sit around the camp fire and make smores. It was such an amazing bonding experience that I know I will talk about for the rest of my life! Everyone got along and did their part at helping out. It seemed that whenever I couldn’t sleep, my two nephews were always awake. So, the three of us would go walk out on the dock a lot at night. After all, the lake was literally in the backyard. At times it was scary because it was SOOOO dark! One night, we went out there and my youngest nephew made a comment of “I bet it would scary to swim in there at night!” And his older brother said “Yeah, I bet it would … let me know.” (And pushed him in) They were very entertaining to say the least. There was eight kids in total and each of them are so beautiful inside and out! I’m blessed to have an amazing family.

When we returned from our fantastic vacation, we received notification that Casie was accepted into the school that we had hoped for. It was exciting to say the least! Finally, life was back on track! Or so we thought!

When August came around, Casie started school and loved it! However, the following month started our spiral down hill. I started to suspect that Brent was using again. If any of you know of an addict, that suspicion rarely ever leaves your head! On Marissa’s first birthday, Brent left to go get carry out. After about 10 minutes, I noticed his car was still in the driveway. I walked out to find him cut up his crack on the center console and loading it into a homemade foil pipe. He stuck it in his mouth, and while he was lighting it, he looked up and saw me. I’m sure at that point his stomach probably fell out of his ass, but I turned around, took a deep breath, and walked back in the home and locked the doors. I was angry and hurt, but I couldn’t show it. It was her birthday and I wasn’t going to let it rain on her parade. Brent remained gone and when he finally arrived, the children were asleep and I met him at the door. I told him that I saw what he did and I wanted him out. One word lead to another and he basically said he wasn’t going anywhere. The next morning I woke up and found a card from my mother-in-law addressed to Marissa. When I turned it over, it had already been open, so I pulled the card out and it was empty. I’m sure there was only $5 or $10 in there. But, that was intended for her! And he stole from his own child! Luckily, he packed his bags and left. That night when I was giving the children a bath, I heard a huge crash come from downstairs. Brent had decided to come home and when he couldn’t get in, he literally kicked the door down! I remained calm so that the children wouldn’t freak out, but that really wasn’t an option. I knew what I had to do and there was NO MORE going through this vicious cycle! I took the children and left with only the clothes on our back. Brent hid the keys from me and would disconnect something on the car, so that it wouldn’t turn on. I didn’t know a thing about cars, but I knew I had to get the hell out of there so I took the car he drove. The Explorer my parents gave to us. Also known as “The Crack Wagon” – I hated putting my children in there, but I had no other choice! The second I hit the expressway – I had an undercover police car in front of me, behind me, and a marked car pulled up next to me. I don’t know if it was coincidence or what, but they never pulled me over.

I arrived at my parent’s house the night of September 15th, 2010 and that was it. I would never live at my marital residence from that point on.

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