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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Public Speaking

When I signed up for Public Speaking this quarter, I could feel my teeth grinding in fear. And today, as I work through the class, I'm still doing so. There's something about getting in front of a crowd and talking that scares me to death. I can share my life on this blog. And if you put me in front of my friends or family, my comfort zone, I'm fine. But, the whole idea of speaking in front of strangers is another story.

There goes that thinking process through my mind - what if I have something on my face or teeth?!? What if I forget what I'm talking about?!? I will probably use a word in the wrong context. What if my presentation doesn't come across as I mean for it too?  I hope I don't fall.

It's very scary for me. Bottom line, I'm a very self-conscious person, and believe it or not, very shy. But, this is one of those things I have to do, therefore I push myself forward. Unfortunately! I constantly remind myself, "this is for the kids; you will never be dependant on a man again" type scenario's, but that doesn't make the fear go away. At all. (smile)

What happened to life when everything was so simple?!?! Before marriage, before children .... why did that time fly by so fast? And to think I wasted so much time planning my future, when in reality it turned out nothing like I pictured. Obviously a failed marriage isn't what I hoped for, but I guess that's where that old saying comes into play "dust yourself off and try again". So, that's what I'm going to try to do. I guess my Grandma knew what she was talking about when she said not to worry about tomorrow - it isn't here yet." If only I would have listened, I wouldn't have wasted so much time day dreaming. Ha ha ha

This morning, I got the children up for school ... same routine - get them dressed, brush their teeth, do their hair, let the dogs out, and then sit them down for breakfast. As they are eating, I run around and do some last minute things, like snacks, lunches, whatever. However, this morning was really giving me a run for my money - poor Marissa starts puking all over the place. Luckily, it's nothing serious, more of a drainage problem,but I kept her home from school. These are those moments as a single parent, you wish you had the other parent to help. The only thing I could do after getting her cleaned up was hand her a bag to hold in the car while we took the other two to school.

My parents watched her as I went to a scheduled doctor visit - the Psychiatrist (the doctor that handles the medication). I parked the car and walked through the parking lot to the tall office building. The thought crossed my mind, does people in other offices think "there goes another crazy into that one" as they greet you with a friendly smile? It's kind of embarrassing, but that's another thing I have to push through in order to deal with my depression/anxiety issues, although I walk with my head hung low.

The doctor is a very intelligent man who is very easy to talk to. After he scanned through his notes, he looked up and said "How did the trial go?" I could almost feel the relief fall from my shoulders, I immediately responded "In my opinion great. My biggest thing is the kids and everything went as I hoped for." He looked up over his glasses and asked, "Do you think he will ever get visitation with them?" I shrugged my shoulders and answered "I hope for my children's sake that he can get clean and be a good father figure in their life, but I'm afraid he's too far gone. His crack addiction cost him his job, his home, and his family. I have little to no hope in him anymore."

I explained that because I won't have insurance for awhile that I would need to schedule my next appointment out a way. He agreed and discussed my current medication. Currently, I'm taking Welbutrin to help with the anxiety and depression. My goal is to eventually come off of it, but through this process I felt it was a necessity to retain some type of sanity. I've been on it for about four months and it seems to help. Although, I do occasionally notice a lot of aggravation towards certain adults, but it doesn't seem to be all the time so I will have to deal with it for the time being. I made the decision to stop going to the Psychologist (the one who does the counseling) because I felt all I did was repeat myself. She was a great help and was able to teach me how to pull through the hardest part. I'm in a much better place, but still have a way to go, but I feel that I can move forward in a positive direction without these sessions.

As I made my way down the long hallway in this building, there was a tall man strolling along. He must have been drunk or something because he was literally bouncing off one wall to the other. We briefly made eye contact and I gave him a slight smile. Inside, I kind of chuckled and thought, "it could be worse". It's funny how things work out. I wasn't judging this guy, but his actions made me be thankful that I didn't suffer other "issues" other then what I already do. Therefore, when I left I was able to hold my head a little higher and move on.

I guess that's what I'm going to have to do with this darn public speaking!!! (laughing) And just in case you're wondering, I did not receive my maintenance payment yesterday. Already notified my attorney!

Enjoy your day and conquer your fears.

God Bless and Much Love!


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