Today was a very trying day, but I really learned how blessed I am to have great friends. My awesome friend, Marleen, sent the sweetest email that made so much sense over the weekend. I would like to copy part of it and share with you:
God doesn’t only give us what we need. He also blesses us with the things that our hearts desire, too. I don’t believe for a second that God would create you with all this love in your heart and deny you of a loving, loyal, wonderful man to take you as his wife - love your kids like his own - and stand by your side.
That statement really hit home and gave me something to hold on to. It went on to tell that everything happens for a reason and gave real life examples. She has a way with her words that can always cheer me up. With that being said, that's why I believe God put her in my life.
Another friend is Gracie. She's one of those people who can sense something is wrong and be there at the perfect time. I love the fact that she doesn't give up on me - if I don't answer the phone, text, or Facebook, she will find a way to get a hold of me. I don't avoid her by any means, but when I get down I find myself in this shell where I just want to hide. It's always reassuring to speak to her, she's quick to let me know that what I'm feeling is normal and natural and to remind me that I do have people who care and love me.
Dana is another person I truly treasure. She's been catching up on my blog and sent a message. I would like to share some of it with you, because she's so right! Sometimes it just takes hearing it from someone else to actually hit home.
You said how bad it hurts that Brent chose drugs over you and your family. I don't think that he chose drugs over you guys. He did choose to use once, maybe twice (really stupid!!) but after that...... the drug chose him! He was under the invisible spell of addiction. Nothing comes before addiction......nothing! He's won't ever be normal.....it's just how many days sober.
I know its splitting hairs kinda....but it's how I think of it, and its true. I am all about personal responsibility, but the addiction made Brent into a monster. I know he doesn't deserve forgiveness.....I'm not saying that.....just that he didn't choose the drugs over you.
Reading that really clicked on the light, so to speak. Casie struggles every day with the abandonment of her father. She dearly loves him and can't understand why he doesn't "just get better". I feel I'm giving her false hope by saying "all we can do is pray for him". Maybe I will take this approach and explain to her that Daddy will never get better. Once an addict, always an addict. We can pray for his sobriety but she needs to know that he chose the initial path and he will never be the same person she remembers him to be. Which in the back of my mind, I wonder what is that exactly??
The guy was always a useless bum who laid in bed or on the couch all day, besides his 5000 trips to smoke a cigarette outside. He never read to them, played games, took them for walks or to the parks, he never bathed them, or cared about if they were hungry or not. I did it and never thought twice about it because I always blamed it on his bipolar disorder. Besides the fact, I'm their mother - and that's what mother's do. He hated to go to Disney because he claimed they heard you around like cattle and steal all of your money. In fact, I remember taking Casie and Tommy to Magic Kingdom (by myself) while his ass stayed in the room. Strangers were helping me on and off the rides. Instead he wanted to push the "lake house" down their throat. Don't get me wrong, northern Michigan is beautiful and we had great times there. But, it was all about what HE wanted to do, never mind the children's needs or wants. So, why does she think of him as some hero? Why doesn't she see him for the piece of shit he really is????
That brings me to this morning. Casie has been so excited about joining the Girl Scouts since the first poster showed up on the school walls. I knew financially it would be trying, but was determined to make it happen. Not only is it a fantastic program, but it really teaches life lessons. I tried everything in my power to get the funds. If Brent would have paid me, like he was court ordered, it wouldn't have been a problem. But, I'm sure he will throw his mental card for that one. Last time I spoke to the jerk off, I said (and I quote), "Your daughter really wants to join the Girl Scouts. Please get me the money or she will not be able to do so." His response, "That's your problem! Get a job!" What an asshole. I have been to interview after interview, and even applied for positions that might as well pay crackers. Believe me, if I could get a job I would tell him to take his lousy ass money and shove it up his ass! But, this is for his daughter, not me ... how can a father be like that?!?!
I planned on coming home from dropping the kids off at school and gather some books, CD's, and DVD's to go sell to make this happen. The first meeting is today. But, unfortunately, I woke up with kidney stones. I was in so much pain. At that point, I realized I just couldn't do it. I cried my eyes out and didn't know where to turn. I finally typed this email to the troop leader. It read: